“Ana, you don’t have to tell me.” Maybe it was me being a coward, trying to give her an out. But I should’ve known better. My Ana was strong and didn’t back down.
“No, it’s okay. It’s you, and I’ve always been able to talk to you. I’ve always felt safe with you.” She swallowed and continued. “He was appalled when I told him I wanted to be spanked, or held down and forced. I was too nervous to look up at his face when I told him, that when I heard silence, I just kept going, laying it all out there in front of him. When I looked up, I knew I’d made a mistake. He looked me up and down and asked, ‘You want to be raped?’ I was shocked, because I hadn’t expected him to assume that. I didn’t know what to say, and he just kept going. He said I wasn’t the lady he thought I was and that I was disgusting. I tried to cut in and correct him, but he just got angry, and—”
She choked on the last words and I had to bite back the growl in my throat. I wanted to figure out his name and go to Nashville and ruin his life. Fucking end him. I wanted to pull her into me and hold her and beg her to stop, because while she sat there brave, I felt weak and unable to listen to more. I wanted to go back three years and change everything about how we got to this point.
“He got so worked up,” she continued. “He ended up saying he’d give me what I wanted. By that point, I didn’t want to do anything. I wanted to get out. And when he came at me, I fought him off. He just laughed and said it was what I wanted. Kevin,” she choked out my name and it shattered my heart. “It wasn’t what I wanted. I said no and I meant it.”
Ana began sobbing, and I was fucking done with distance. I moved my chair right next to hers and pulled her into my chest, letting her get it out. Had anyone known? Was this the first time she’d talked about it? “Did you tell anyone?”
She shook her head against my chest. “No. What would I have said? I admitted I liked rough and forceful sex and my boyfriend gave it to me. They would have looked at me the same way he had and said I deserved it. And in a way, I guess I did.”
“Shut the fuck up,” I growled, pulling her head back from my chest and making her look at me. “Don’t you ever say that. There is a difference between consensually agreeing to those things and being forced into them. What he did was wrong, and I don’t ever—ever—want to hear you say you deserved that again.” She nodded and I shook her shoulders. “No. Say it. Say you understand.”
“I understand.”
I wiped her tears and she looked at me the same way she did when we danced in her bedroom after what Sean did to her at prom. Like I was her hero.
She gave me a tight-lipped smile and turned her head to kiss my palm that was cradling her cheek. I laid her back out on her chair right next to me, but didn’t let go. I linked my pinky through hers and let her get herself together. At the same time, I had to get myself together. Hearing her say she deserved it wrecked me and my eyes were on fire with the effort to hold back tears.
“Needless to say, I haven’t tried with anyone else since. Not even a date.” She breathed out a laugh that held no humor. “After a while, I decided I wanted a normal life. I didn’t want to want that anymore. I refused to acknowledge that side of myself. I thought, I’m going to be a teacher and god forbid anyone find out about that. I wanted normal. A normal man I could be happy with.” Each of her words hit me like knives in my chest. My Ana. My person who I’d always shared this with, was telling me she wanted normal, and I didn’t know what to do with that. It hurt and felt like I was losing something important. “But then my mom was diagnosed, and I made the decision to move back here. I didn’t get a chance to even try normal. But being here, I want to focus on her and not take anything too seriously.”
I wasn’t sure if she was just talking, or if she was warning me that she was different, and not to get attached or expect too much from her. I didn’t ask. I let her fall into a silence and kept my pinky linked in hers, squeezing to let her know I heard her and supported her. Even if I didn’t understand it.