“Don’t.” She fought against the cable ties that secured her wrists to her ankles. “Stop.”
We hadn’t established a safe word yet, but when a woman told me to stop, I stopped. I wanted to keep going—more than anything else in the fucking world. My cock wanted to ignore her protests and suffer the consequences later. But the decent man inside me took control. I undid both of the cable ties so she could be free.
She immediately moved away from me on the bed, covering her chest with her arms like she didn’t want me to look at her. Tears were in her eyes, and she pulled her knees to her chest, hiding her figure even more.
It killed me.
Naturally, I wanted to wrap my arms around her and protect her from all of her fears. But there was nothing I could do when I was the one she was terrified of. I grabbed my boxers and jeans and pulled them on, not wanting her to know that I was still hard for her. It would take me at least half an hour to come down from the high she just gave me.
I sat on the other side of the bed and waited for her to speak first, giving her the opportunity to say whatever she needed to say. I was devastated she’d pulled away from me. Did I hit her too hard? Did I do something to frighten her? Didn’t she trust me enough not to take her somewhere she couldn’t handle? “Sweetheart, talk to me.”
“Why do you enjoy hurting me so much?” Her voice was heavy with impending tears. They didn’t fall from her eyes, but they were bubbling under the surface. “Why am I not enough for you? Why do we always come back here?”
That was too many questions for me to answer at once. “You liked watching Jet and Cynthia. I thought you would understand that the relationship is beautiful. It’s passionate. It’s sexy. I want that with you.”
“I thought what we had was already beautiful…”
“It is,” I said quietly. “And I do cherish what we have. I just want more sometimes. I thought if I showed you what it was like, you might feel differently. And you did. We can argue all you want, but you were soaked before I even touched you. Explain that to me, Rome.”
She held her tongue.
“Rome,” I pressed. “Don’t deny it.”
She opened her mouth to speak but closed it again. Minutes trickled by, but she still didn’t say anything. “I did like it. I did think it was sexy. But when I was on the bed…and you were hitting me…it made me feel worthless. It made me feel weak. It made me feel like someone you could abuse because I’m inferior to you. And it reminds me of…a lot of things. The fact that you enjoy hurting me so much just breaks my heart.” She sniffed, and a tear finally came loose.
Now I regretted bringing her here.
I scooted to her side of the bed and wrapped my arm around her. “It’s more than that, Rome. It’s about trust. It’s about you allowing me to do these things. I would never truly hurt you. I would never give you more than you could take.”
“But why does it have to be this way at all?” she whispered. “Why can’t we just be a normal couple that makes love? Why can’t we have rough sex sometimes? Why do we have to go to this dark and disturbing place? I love you, Calloway. I just want you.”
I pulled her into my chest and pressed my lips to her hairline. I wanted to tell her I felt the same way, but I just couldn’t do it. She’d been so patient with me, but I couldn’t cross that line. “I’m sorry. I really think if we tried a few times, you would realize it’s a beautiful relationship. It doesn’t make you weak. It’s the opposite, Rome. It will make both of us strong. We don’t have to do it all the time—just sometimes.”
“I don’t want to do it at all, Calloway.” Her tears stopped, and her voice became stern. “I’m sorry. I know this is something you want, but I just can’t do it. It goes against everything I believe in, everything I stand for. A woman should never have to put up with a man laying a hand on her—”
“It’s not like that. Don’t paint me a woman-beater.” I wasn’t like Hank and knocked her around because she said something to piss me off. “I spanked you so you would feel good. If you really fell into the moment with me, you would feel that pleasure.”
She shook her head like her answer would never change. “I don’t want this, Calloway. If this is something you can’t live without, then…” She couldn’t finish the sentence because it was too painful. “I understand.”