“So?” she prods.
“So, what?” I ask. “Yes, I saw him. He’s …”
She watches me carefully, not saying a word. I don’t either. I have no idea where to go with this statement. I could say he’s more handsome than he was when I left. It’d be honest to say I didn’t want to leave him last night. I’d be lying if I said I’m happy he didn’t kiss me or that the look in his eye didn’t make me feel all sorts of things. All of that would be true.
But I could also tell her I was up all night worrying about it. That it’s all too soon. That I’ve been poked enough in the last year between my job and my ex-boyfriend to want to get into anything serious again. Especially with Cross. One toe in with him is as good as diving in headfirst and I don’t need that risk.
“Come on, Kal,” she says. “I know him. I know you. I know him and you together.”
“No, you don’t.” I set the computer on the table in front of me to mask the epic gulp of air I take. “I don’t even know who he is or who I am, let alone who the two of us are together.”
“That’s not true. I’ve been your best friend all these years plus I’ve been around to watch him. Maybe the part about me not knowing you two together now is kinda true, but I can imagine.” She swipes her thumb over her lips. “So, you still love him.”
“No,” I insist, swinging my head side to side emphatically. “I don’t. Stop that.”
She holds her hands in front of her, signaling she’s done with that line of questioning but the harm is done.
So, you still love him.
My feet beg to hit the floor and pace a good, solid circle to get rid of some of the energy bursting through my veins. Instead, I fiddle with a piece of fringe on the pillow next to me. It’s less panicked-looking.
I’d always hoped if I saw Cross again that it wouldn’t feel like the Fourth of July. That somehow, I wouldn’t be drawn to him like a sunset to a horizon. I told myself it would be like meeting any other man I’d known and would prove the thing between us was just a juvenile obsession.
Damn hopes, anyway.
“He’s all grown up now,” Nora says, like she needs to point that out. She laughs when I give her a blank stare. “Maybe things could work out.”
“I don’t want them to. Not with Cross, not with anyone.” My feet hit the floor and I scamper across the room. “I want to breathe, Nora. I want to not worry about someone else and their life and how their decisions might impact me. I want to just do what I want to do for once.”
“So … do Cross.”
“Nora!”
She giggles in response. “Sometimes I hate they all feel like family to me. Except Lance,” she says, referring to Machlan’s other brother. “I’d do Lance but now he has Mariah so that’s out.”
“You need a man.”
“Oh no.” She laughs, getting to her feet too. “We’re not turning this around on me. We’re talking about you here.”
Hands on my hips, I take in Nora’s amused grin. She finds this entertaining; all she can see is the happy at the end. I know better. I know the feeling, quite vividly, of the doldrums of a relationship, with Cross specifically, and that happy is a hard-fought battle to win—if it can be won at all.
That’s what really scares me. What if you have to settle in life? What if you can’t really ever be totally satisfied in a relationship? What if you never have the confidence in yourself, or them, or you together to not go to sleep with a nagging in your gut?
What if the stars never align like you hope as a little girl?
“What is it, Kallie?” she asks, her grin faltering.
“Is it fair to just be … scared?”
“Of what?”
“Of … life? Of falling in love.” I gulp. “Of trying and not getting the things I want out of life?”
“Where’s all this coming from?” she whispers. “What’s going on?”
I plop into the chair next to me and take in a long, deep breath. “I’ve been thinking a lot about things. Life, I guess. Think about it,” I tell her. “What are the odds you’ll find someone that has the same goals as you? The same dreams? Enough love for you to want to see you do the things you want to do? It’s not good, Nora.”
“People do it every day,” she says, sitting on the arm of the chair.
“No, people settle every day. Look around at the people you know. Most of them settle. They take what’s available out of fear they won’t have what they really want and they’re halfway miserable their whole life. That was me with my ex. I realized that too late and wasted way too long.”