Paul
She left. I don’t know how long ago.
I have no idea.
I can’t remember the last time I slept until so late in the fucking day. It’s just after one. As in lunchtime.
Without my alarm waking me, some days I’m a goner.
The last time I was up all night, I was on a mission in Iraq to escort some journalists who were doing an interview with a militant leader.
That was four months ago.
Last night wiped me out in a good way. I came to The Dark Odyssey for a drink, and look at me here today, contemplating my night with Jia.
There’s only one answer for me.
Only one, and it’s the thing I wasn’t brave enough to do years ago.
I want her back. That’s what I want. Everything that happened this week pointed the way to this decision. The answer for me when it came to her.
Yes, I regret being a fool and letting her go, and yes, I know I fucked up beyond measure when I walked away.
I walked out on a relationship that was the best thing in my life. When you grow up in a dysfunctional family, it fucks with you in ways no one can understand or imagine.
The crux of the matter is, I let my father get to me the way he used to get to Mom. At the time, I hadn’t seen him in years. In his drunk-out-of-his-mind, drug-induced states he used to call me worthless. He used to tell me I ruined everything just being me. He used to blame me for ruining his life because he chose to be a husband and a father instead of playing pro-ball after college.
He blamed me for everything, but worse… he used to tell me I was just like him, no different.
He was so awful to me that I felt nothing when I heard he died. It wasn’t just the way he died that made me feel nothing, it was the past too.
The years of being with Ethan might have been great and softened the blow caused by my hellish childhood, but hearing what my father did stopped me in my tracks from going any further with Jia.
She doesn’t know what happened. I’m thankful for that. Ethan kept it quiet out of respect for me and Mom. The only people who knew what happened, to my knowledge, are Ethan, Mom, and James.
I told James because I needed to talk to someone. As I sit here, thinking about what Dad did makes me so sick I have to push the thoughts out of my mind.
I’ll have to if I want to find the strength it will take to get Jia back.
If I want her back, I have to push the shit from my mind.
Last night with her gave me hope.
The only difference between us years ago and now is time. That’s all. She’s still the same girl, and I’m still the same guy who wants her to be mine.
The thought moves me.
I get dressed, head home to clean up, then I make my way to her place.
Her little black Porsche is parked on the drive, so that’s a good sign she’s home. What I don’t know is what sort of mood I’ll catch her in.
I don’t want to ring the bell then have her look out through her peephole, see it’s me, and avoid me.
Fucking hell. This isn’t like me. I’m nervous as fuck. Nothing makes me nervous, but she’s the exception to every rule.
Pulling in a breath, I ring the bell and wait.
The wait feels like forever, and I guess she must have seen me and is deciding if she wants to talk to me or if she doesn’t want to see me at all.