Does it matter?
I don’t know.
My eyes close.
It feels like a few seconds, but when I open them again, bright sunlight fills the room.
It’s daylight. Morning… and I’m still in Paul’s arms.
He’s still holding me like he was when I fell asleep.
I gaze up at the sharp chisel of his jaw, at the beauty of his face, and I want to touch him. I want to trace the outline of his handsome face and watch him wake up, ready to make love to me again, but I stop.
I hold back as that thing I feared works its way into my mind.
Truth.
Truth accompanied with reality.
He ended our beautiful relationship for whatever reason he had, and I was left deeply hurt, worse than I’ve ever felt in my life. No one should have power like that over me.
I know he didn’t know I was pregnant, and there was little point telling him when all was said and done. But in my mind, the person I trusted most left me at my lowest, and I had to find my way back to myself. It feels like I’m still looking for that person, and clearly, I’m not doing so good if I’m lying in the arms of the man who hurt me the most.
I don’t know what last night with him meant. I don’t know what it can be. Right now, I know what it can’t be.
I don’t regret it though. That’s probably the only good thing about it. Maybe it was the closure I needed, although it feels far from it.
Careful not to wake him, I shuffle out of his arms and slide off the bed.
I look at him one last time and take in the beauty of the boy I once loved so much.
He was forbidden to me.
He still is.
It’s just a different reason this time.
My heart forbids the heartache it will cause if he hurts me again.