Zach looks almost as if he is in pain, rubbing his hands over his face, but I see him smiling as his hands come down. He looks back at the girls and shakes his head. I hit his arm, getting his attention. “What’s with the face?”
He blows out a breath, trying to hide his laugh. “You’ve created a monster. You do realize that since my sister is happy all the time and singing around the house, these two”—he points to the girls—“are back to their crazy Katy Perry ways. You think it was bad listening to Haylee listen to her songs. Oh no, buddy, you ain’t seen nothing yet. They’ll start putting on two shows a night pretty soon.” He rolls his eyes so hard I think they’re going to roll into the back of his head and stay there. I know that he is enjoying this though. His sister is happy and smiling, and it makes me feel fucking awesome knowing that I put that smile on her face.
I realize this is what it’s all about. I know that I need to tell her soon how I feel, but maybe it can wait another day. Right now, I want to soak in the view in front of me and hope that when the time does come for me to tell her, she feels the same way I do or is at least open to the idea and this can be what our days/nights feel like from now on.
K yler and I come rushing out of the bedroom and into the living room when we hear Haylee’s shriek. I start to panic, rushing down the hallway. Is she okay? Is Zach okay? I can’t lose either of them, and my chest starts to tighten. I hate that my mind first goes to that, but after Emmett, I guess I just fear losing anyone else I love. We come to an abrupt stop when we see Zach down on one knee in front of Haylee holding a black velvet box in front of him. The box is open, and I can see a diamond ring in it.
“Haylee Grace Hanks, I have had the honor of knowing your love and friendship for twenty-two years. Throughout those years I have watched you go from the silly nerdy girl next door to this incredibly beautiful and charismatic woman. We had to go through an earth-shattering tragedy to find ourselves.” I look down and catch my breath since I know he is talking about Emmett. “Your love and comfort put me back together. You make me laugh, smile, and feel complete. I look a
t you and not only see my past and present but also my future. I am so head over heels in love with you. Please let me spend the rest of my life making you as happy as you make me. Hails, will you marry me?”
“Yes! Yes! God, yes!” Haylee shouts as he slides the ring on her finger and pulls her into an embrace. I realize that I am crying as Kyler rubs my back. He must think I am crying tears of joy for them, but it’s the complete opposite. Kyler walks toward the newly engaged couple, cheering and hugging them both, but I haven’t moved from my spot. Zach pulls Haylee into his arms and looks to me to say something, anything, but I say nothing. I can tell he is unhappy about my response or lack of.
“Dani, say something.”
“Are you fucking kidding me?” I can’t hold my tears back—tears of sadness, heartbreak, and pain all rushing back. Tears knowing that should’ve been me getting engaged. This Jacobs getting engaged to a different Hanks. Tears of jealousy that my brother gets his happily ever after, and anger of them moving on. That was supposed to be us, damn it.
In my rage, I don’t even notice Kyler walks back up to me and places his hand on my arm. “Aren’t you excited for your brother and your best friend?”
I pull back from him. “Are you seriously going to lecture me right now?”
Haylee has begun to cry. I’ve clearly upset her, and Zach places his arm in front of her as if to protect her from me. “Fuck, Dani! Why can’t you just be happy for me and Haylee? Huh? It’s always just about you still, isn’t it?”
Shaking my head, I run back to the bedroom and grab my purse, phone, and keys and head to walk out the door. “Oh please, love is for assholes. All it brings is pain, and anyone would be a fool to believe in that shit…that happily ever afters can actually happen.”
Kyler grabs my hand to try to stop me from walking out, but I turn and snap at him, “Don’t touch me. What, you think you can fix me? That we can just play house and live out our happily ever after bullshit? You’re nothing but a replacement. You may have replaced Emmett in my brother’s world, but you won’t in mine. This is… This is…”
I can see the hurt in his eyes; it’s written all over his face. “What, baby… It’s love? It’s real? It’s raw? Because it’s all of those things, Dani! Why can’t you just let me in?” I’ve never heard him this angry before.
My eyes are overflowing with tears. “It was a mistake, Kyler. You can’t make me happy, and you’re a fool to believe you can. I’m incapable of loving or being loved. I’m just broken.” I shrug him off before slamming the door. I run to my car, knowing that I probably shouldn’t drive, but if I don’t get out of here, they might come looking for me. I hurry out of the driveway and try to plan an escape. There is only one place I want to be, so I hop on the highway and head to the one person who can make this all better.
I t’s been almost five years since I have been here. I refused to come here because then I would be accepting the fact that he was really gone. The two-hour drive goes by pretty fast. At first, I drove in silence, but I could hear the catches in my breath as I continued to cry, so I decided to drown out my thoughts by turning on the radio and getting lost in the music.
The air is sucked right out of my lungs as I pull into the gates at Glen Ridge Cemetery. I’m headed to talk to Emmett, and oh how I wish he could respond. I park my car on the hill by the pond, knowing he is just about a hundred feet away. I somehow find the strength to open the door. I know that my eyes and face are swollen from all the crying. Haven’t I cried enough over the years?! I wrap my arms around my stomach and force my feet to move. There are fresh flowers in the vase, showing someone was here recently— maybe his mom or mine—next to the gravestone that reads:
I can’t breathe. This isn’t real. I close my eyes and remember the last time I was here.
Sitting in those uncomfortable green chairs, I couldn’t stop fidgeting with my hands. My mom sat on my right, and Haylee was to my left with her parents seated next to her. Zach stood behind me with his hands on my shoulders, and my father stood behind my mother. I looked up at Father John as he was speaking, but it was as if I was deaf. I saw that his mouth was moving, but I refused to process what he was saying, so my body chose to not listen. I had zoned out completely that I missed when Father John called me up to read the poem I had reluctantly agreed to read. Ms. Natalie had asked if I would read or say something graveside since Zach read at the service and Haylee gave the eulogy.
At first, I had declined. How was I supposed to get up there and speak? But my parents had convinced me that this was what Em would want. What he would want… What he would want was to still be alive. I felt Zach’s hand squeeze my shoulder, and as I looked up, my mom whispered, “They’re waiting for you.” I took a deep breath and stood up on shaky legs.
I took five steps to the front of the crowd, standing next to the spot that Emmett would call his final resting place. I looked over at the casket where he was laid and asked—no, begged—for strength to be able to not only get through this reading but to be able to get through tomorrow. How appropriate it was that the poem selected was “If Tomorrow Starts Without Me.”
I looked around at the crowd and then down at my paper. I began to speak:
“When tomorrow starts without me,
And I’m not there to see,
If the sun should rise and find your eyes
All filled with tears for me.
I wish so much you wouldn’t cry
The way you did today,
While thinking of the many things,