We didn’t get to say…”
I was forced to take a few deep breaths to try to fight back my tears. I still had so much left to read, but I could hear the sounds of sobbing around me. I looked up and my eyes were met with Ms. Natalie’s—a mother burying her son today. I tried to find the strength for her, for Em.
“I know how much you love me,
As much as I love you,
And each time you think of me,
I know you’ll miss me too.”
I heard the sobbing begin again, loud painful wails, crying uncontrollably, and then felt strong arms around me. I turned to see my brother holding me up, and it was then that I realized that the loud sobbing was coming from me. This was really happening. I really wasn’t just having a nightmare that he was gone.
My mother had gotten up from her seat and had her arms around Ms. Natalie. Zach escorted me to my seat and pulled me into his lap, rubbing my back while I released a fountain of tears, fisting his shirt in pain. I just wanted the ache in my chest to stop. My dad had taken the paper with the poem and continued to read it to the end.
I drop to my knees in front of the headstone and lose it.
“Why! Why, did you leave me? I’m broken without you. I’m so lost without you. I’ve tried so hard to move on with my life, but I can’t without you. Was my love not enough to keep you here? Am I being punished for us being too happy too young? Why can’t you answer me? We had plans and promises, and they’re gone.”
Pausing, I try to find the words that I have kept in for years. “I just can’t be happy for them…I can’t. That was supposed to be us. We were supposed to be getting engaged, married, having kids, living a long life together to die in our old age after we spent so much time together. Not one wintery night at eighteen, ripping you from our lives.
“I hate you for leaving me. I hate you for loving me so fucking much that without you I can’t breathe. I don’t want to be sad all the time anymore—I just don’t know how to do that without you. Please help me, baby. I miss your laugh, your touch, your kisses, your voice, your love, your everything. I miss who I was with you. How do I move on when I spent my whole life loving you? I didn’t get to say goodbye to you. Our last conversation was about boners in the library. Why did you leave me behind? We were supposed to be together forever—that’s what you promised. That was the plan!”
I pull my knees from underneath me and wrap my arms around them. I let the tears fall. I cry for Emm
ett, for the life we would’ve had. I cry for his parents, his sister, my brother, our friends. I cry until I feel like I’ve cried every last tear there is.
Taking a deep breath, I rest my chin on my knees. I replay this morning’s events: my brother’s engagement, my fight with Kyler, my one-sided argument with Emmett and God. I’m not sure how long I’ve sat here, possibly hours. I had turned my phone off on the drive. Kyler and Zach wouldn’t stop calling or texting, but I’m not surprised I hadn’t heard from Haylee. I had ruined what was supposed to be one of the best days of her life.
I hear a car door close in the distance and a female voice approach. I don’t turn around, but I know that voice that says, “Yeah, I found her, she’s okay. We’ll be home soon…love you too.” Putting her phone away, Haylee sits down next to me.
“I figured this is where I’d find you. I come here when I need a moment too.” Turning to the headstone, she places her hand to Emmett’s name. “Hey, big bro. About time she visited, huh?”
We sit there in silence. I’m not even sure where to begin with her—apologizing for this morning, ask how Kyler is doing, does he hate me, does Zach hate me, should I move out? Haylee can sense my hesitation and thoughts, I guess, so she opens her mouth and closes it a few times before speaking,
“It’s okay, Dani,” she says as she places her hand on my wrist.
I shake my head. “No. It’s really not. I’m not sure how to do this. I’m a mess. I ruined this morning, and then I said some very hurtful things to Kyler. Then I come here for the first time since the funeral and I scream. Like seriously at the top of my lungs, wake-the-dead-style scream. I’m surprised no one called the cops to haul my ass out of here. I’m just still so angry. Where do you find the strength to move on?”
Haylee ponders my question, and her grip on my wrist tightens a bit. “It’s not easy. It’s honestly a lot of work, but I take it one day at a time. Some days I am so angry that he’s not here, and others I use the anger I have that he’s not to power me through the day. I’m angry for all the big events he has missed and will continue to miss.”
She takes a deep breath. I know this is hard for her too. This was something we didn’t talk much about after the fact—all my fault, I know.
“I’m upset that he isn’t here to celebrate my big news. I hurt for my parents, for you, for Zach. I use it to make something of my life—a life he didn’t get. I was in a bad place after he died…I not only lost my brother, but I lost my best friend. I felt like I had lost everything. I mean, I did. So did Zach. He had lost his best friend and his only sister.
“Zach and I started hanging out and were just friends, but then it turned into something more—we drew strength from each other. Moving on doesn’t mean I’m any less sad or miss my brother any less. It just means I’m living.”
She continues. “Please don’t think that I’m not dying on the inside, all because I appear to have my shit together on the outside. There have been plenty of nights that I have cried myself to sleep and Zach will just hold me and let me fall apart. I cry if I see something that reminds me of him or when I see something that I think he would’ve liked. But I also know that he wouldn’t want me to be sad and not live my life. I know that I get to spend the rest of my life living for my brother and have a man next to me who I love so much.
“Through Em’s death, I found Zach. Yes, I’ve known him my whole life, but it wasn’t till we were both so broken and lost in the darkness and consumed by our grief that we found light in each other. We healed each other. It’s still a process, but we are facing it together. He would be so happy for us…well, after he thoroughly kicked your brother’s ass, of course.”
We both laugh at that thought, especially since Emmett could totally have kicked Zach’s ass. “He would want you to live too, Danielle. He would hate you like this; you and I both know it.”
Ugh, I am so tired of being tired. Haylee is clearly not giving up, so I respond with “But I feel guilty…” but she quickly interrupts me before I can finish what I feel guilty about.
She raises her hand, making sure I stop speaking. “I know how madly in love my brother was with you and vice versa. I know the dreams you guys planned and the life you both wanted together. I was there for both of you. I saw both sides of your love as his sister and your best friend. And then life stepped up to the plate and gave a big fuck-you and destroyed them, all of them—your dreams, mine, my parents’, and anyone who ever did or would have known Emmett. I know that Em wouldn’t want this for you. He told me once that all he wanted was for you to be happy—it was why he did stupid shit like the singing and dancing in public or verbally proclaiming his love for you as if he just discovered new land. He said his sole purpose in life was to make you smile. Yeah, he actually said that—big bad Emmett was pretty whipped. I never understood any of that until Zach.”
I notice that her cheeks redden, and she smiles while looking down at her new bling on her finger. Now I feel like an even bigger asshole for blowing up at them.