“We’ll all go,” I tell her firmly. “But I’m not going to make any decision about whether I’ll tell him or not. I’ll try and work out what sort of person he has become first. There’s no point in causing unrest if it won’t make any difference to us. And don’t worry, if I do tell him I’ll make sure everyone thinks I haven’t told anyone. I won’t let his mom know that you’ve been aware all along.”
She sucks in a breath and nods. I know she’s worried that she’s being selfish, worrying about something so petty, but I get it. I don’t want our moms to fall out over this, I’m more than willing to take all the hate.
I pause for a moment, trying to work out how it’s going to feel to really see him but I can’t work it out. I’ve numbed myself to him for so many years that it’ll be weird to have those feelings unleashed again. Maybe I won’t feel anything, maybe I’ll be completely turned off by him these days after all this time apart. I haven’t really dated anyone else because I’ve been so focused on Logan, but maybe I won’t want him anymore either. I don’t even know what he looks like, I know that I’ve changed a lot. Maybe he won’t be the guy for me anymore. Or maybe he will, maybe nothing will have changed. Either way, I need to prepare myself.
“I might need to get a new dress for the party, I haven’t really been anywhere nice since Logan was born, what do you think?” I try to keep my tone innocent, but I don’t seem to pull it off well.
“Oh yes, maybe you should.” Mom gives me a curious look. “That could be nice. I suppose it will be a posh event. You should get something new for Logan too. We should all look nice.”
Looking nice for Kade is something I haven’t done for a very long time, but if I’m going to deliver news that could be bad or good, depending on how he takes it, then I need to have everything I can at my disposal. I won’t tell Logan who we’re going to see, not yet, I don’t want him to get hurt if he isn’t wanted. It’s up to me to protect him from all that might hurt him… even if that is his dad.
19
Kade
As my house fills up with people I scarcely recognize from a time long ago, I feel really strange and out of place. Sure, I’m slowly getting into the swing of thing when it comes to the family business and I’m beginning to get used to life back here, but I don’t feel ready to be under the spotlight. Maybe I should have tried to put Mom off when she suggested this idea. I only went along with it really to keep her happy.
“Yo, Kade,” a guy who I was sort of friends with in high school comes over to me. “Long time no see, buddy. How are you doing?” We do an awkward hand shake which only makes the entire experience even more bizarre. “You know, not many of us stayed behind after school so if you ever want to hang out…”
I part my lips, ready to tell him that I’m actually not one of those who stayed behind, but I don’t quite manage to get the words out. Before I can say anything, a beautiful blonde woman comes up behind him and circles her arms around his waist. As she kisses his neck, they get lost in a moment that’s only for them. I’m jealous, I’m left out on the outside and it makes me realize how much I want that. I guess I’m lonely, and I want to finally find someone to settle down with. Only, there isn’t anyone who wants me. I’m not the popular guy in high school or college any longer, I don’t attract women like flies without even trying. I’m the loser who got kicked out college for not trying, and now has to try extra hard just to prove myself to my dad.
I sigh loudly and stuff my hands into my pockets. I don’t usually see the changes in my life as negative at all, but surrounded by a couple so in love is hard for me. It’s the one area of my life that I haven’t been able to progress in. I haven’t focused on romance since being away so I don’t know how to be that guy. I don’t want to end up lonely for the rest of my life, but I still can’t work on that area, not while I have other stuff to do. I’ve got to make sure that I’m seen as someone to be taken seriously. That’s the only way this will work.
“Kade,” Brad eventually giggles as he pulls himself away from his girlfriend. “I don’t know if you remember Talia? She was in the year below us in school. Well, now she’s my wife! Can you believe it?”
The flash of the nice diamond ring only makes me feel worse, but I force myself to smile. “Oh well, I guess congratulations are in order then! I’m very glad that you found one another and that you’re happy.”
“Yeah, and I have my own business too, which will be great for when the little one comes along.”
Brad gently rests his hand on her belly which she bats away rapidly. I hear her whispering angrily to him
that they aren’t supposed to be telling anyone, but it hardly matters. I’m not going to spoilt their news.
“Oh, I think my mom wants me.” I make a fake gesture at my mom as I make my escape. “But it’s been good catching up with you guys. We’ll have to do it again really soon.” But not really. I don’t think I can stand to be around them and their intense happiness for even a minute longer. No way, thank you very much.
“Are you okay?” Mom asks me as I get close enough to her. “You look a bit stressed out.”
She spends a few moments straightening out my suit and I allow her to do while I peer over her head to see who else is at this party to celebrate me. I’m grateful for everyone who has made the effort to come out, but I find myself growing weary with the thought that I might have to speak to any of them. They don’t spark any interest in me at all, I don’t want to learn their news or share my own. I guess the party boy inside of me is long gone and I don’t feel in the mood like I used to. Maybe this is growing up, maybe being grumpy is a part of that. Wow, now that’s a sentence that I never thought I would say in relation to myself!
“I’m okay, Mom, just trying to remember who everyone is. Who else is coming?”
“Oh, come on.” She smacks me playfully. “It’s only been five years, it isn’t like you’ve been gone forever. You know who everyone is. I don’t know who I invited, just everyone, I suppose. Why is there someone in particular that you want to see, because I did ask you to give me a list of people and you refused to do so…”
“No, Mom, it’s fine,” I chuckle. “I’m just wondering, that’s all. Working out who to expect.”
There is someone I want to see, but there’s no way I can tell Mom that. She’ll get carried away and excited which is dumb because it might get really ugly once we see one another. I might find her with a husband too, people have certainly got married in the last five years so it makes sense that she might as well. I don’t want to end up embarrassed, with egg on my face because I’ve spoken too soon. No, silence is best.
“I suppose I better go and get a drink and work the room anyway.” I pull back from Mom. “Try and see if there’s anyone here who’s up for a good time. Not too good a time, of course, don’t you worry.”
I might be grumpy and boring these days, but Mom still looks proud of me which is something. I do want to be someone that she can respect and be happy with. It’s fine, honestly, I’m all good really. Having a moment.
“Okay, Son, well I’ll be about if you need me at all, okay? Have fun.” She leans in to whisper the next bit into my ear so no one else can hear us. “Your dad is really happy with the work that you’ve done this week. He knows that you’ve done an amazing job and that you’ve really grown up. Just know that you deserve this party.” Her words fill my chest with warmth, it’s nice to hear that I’ve done so well. “So, have fun.”
I leave Mom’s side and wander awkwardly around the room. I clutch my drink close to my chest but I don’t sip it much. I don’t want to be out of control tonight. As far as I am concerned, I’ve been an embarrassment to my family for the very last time. Tonight, I will be the man that I’m supposed to be.
I talk to my parent’s friends, discussing my journey and everything that I feel like I’ve learned along the way, I see people who I went to school with, where I learn mostly how far their lives have progressed, and I even end up speaking to people who I don’t quite recognize. I think I know them, but I can’t be sure. It’s fine, quite fun some of the time, but there’s something about it all that leaves me a little empty. Maybe it’s because I haven’t seen any of the Smith family which is incredibly suspicious. Mom will definitely have invited them, and there’s no reason for none of them to come… it’s strange and puts me on edge.
Eventually I excuse myself to go to the bathroom, but that isn’t where I head. Instead I wander into my bedroom and I slump down onto my bed. I might have been living here again over the last week, but I haven’t bothered to do anything to change it so it still looks like it did before. The last time I lived here was during high school, so it’s like a memory to the old me. I glance around at the photographs, spotting people in the images who are here tonight, but eventually I find the one that I’m searching for. Me and Lucie riding horses on that very first time, both grinning like idiots. This just reminds me that I won’t be able to meet anyone like her, however hard I try. Our chemistry partly derived from our history together and that is something I won’t be able to recreate again. In a way, she’s the only one for me, even now. She’s the one person that I definitely haven’t forgotten, but I am aware that I need to move on. She won’t want me now.