“Mommy?” I hear the little lovely voice call me from the other room. “Mommy!”
Every time he calls me, my heart swells with love and pride. Giving up my place at college to take the rest of my classes at home was the hardest decision that I ever had to make. But the best too, because it gave me Logan. It was a scary decision at such a young age, but it was the right one. I thank my stars every single day that I found the bravery inside of me to make that decision. If I didn’t, I don’t know where I would be.
My parents helped, of course, my mom has been very supportive from moment one. She came to get me from college as soon as I found out that I was pregnant and she took me to a doctor. Then she took me to every single one of my appointments. It took a while, but eventually I told her the father’s identity, which is when I learned the truth. Kade got kicked out of college and sent away by his dad. He’s been out of the country ever since. I don’t know what that means in regards to what me and him could have been, but it doesn’t matter.
“Yes, sweetie? I’ll be in there in a second, I’m just sorting you out something to eat. Can it wait?”
“Where’s Nanny?” he yells back, probably searching for my mom. I know that we should probably move out of my parent’s home at some point, but right now we have enough space and it suits us all. Mom and Dad want to see Logan all the time, and it gives me a much needed rest too. It’s the perfect set up. “Is she here?”
“She’s just popped out to the shops, baby.” At least it isn’t important. “I’ll be there in a moment.”
I grab his lunch plate and take it into the living room. As my boy turns to face me, I’m hit with how much he looks like Kade again. He’s a spitting image. I’m surprised Kade’s mom, who see’s Logan a lot, hasn’t clocked. My mom wanted to tell her at first but I begged her not to because I didn’t want him to find out. Of he was off in another country doing his own thing, I didn’t want this to change things. I didn’t think it’s work.
I hope that wasn’t the wrong thing to do, I query it every day, but I can’t come up with an answer.
“Hey, Logan. Here’s your food,” I tell my boy wearily. “Where do you want to sit to eat it? On the couch?”
He doesn’t take it from me, I can see by his quizzical expression that he has something that he wants to ask me, so I pause and wait. Sometimes it takes him a few moments to get there but he always does in the end.
“Mommy, on the TV the said ‘Father’s Day’.” My heart sinks, I forgot about that. It’s the one day a year I try
to avoid. “Where is my Daddy?” He cocks his head to one side and waits for me. “Do I have a Dad?”
I try to be honest but it really isn’t easy considering the situation. I don’t want to hurt Logan. “Of course you have a daddy, everyone does, honey. It’s just that your daddy is away on business. He has to do a job.”
“When will he be back so I can meet him?” He always asks this, ever since he was able to string sentences together and it breaks my heart every single time. “Some daddy’s live with their family. Like Abe’s does.”
Oh God, again with the heart break. I know that Logan doesn’t understand what he’s saying, but it gets me every time. It’s almost like he can sense my biggest regret and he’s just going for it, trying to break me.
“I know, darling, but every single family is different. We will have to see what your daddy gets home, okay? Now, eat your lunch and when Nanny is back maybe we’ll go to the play park or something.”
Much to my relief, he does as I ask and takes a seat to eat. I feel bad every single day, I hate the way I feel about keeping Kade in the dark. If he does happen to come back, it’s going to be really messy, but I felt messy at the time. I didn’t know what I was doing, I kept thinking I would do something at the next step. But pregnancy was hard, giving birth was really difficult, then having a new born was impossible, it never got any easier so I didn’t change my mind. Then, I had left it too long and it was too hard. There’s a small part of me that lives in terror every single day that I’ll get found out. I get scared that he already knows and that he doesn’t want to ever see me again because of it. I would like to think that Kade isn’t a coward, but I guess I don’t know him really. I kept thinking that I did, but that was childish of me. Basically, I was an idiot. I convinced myself that I was in love with someone that I didn’t even know, just because I wanted to know him.
When I think about myself, mooning pathetically over him, it makes me cringe. No wonder he ran away without saying goodbye, who would want to stay for that needy mess? Anyway, I couldn’t ever regret it all because it led me to have Logan. Whatever mess I made, I still have the best thing in my life. I wouldn’t change my baby for the world, he’s the light of my life now, my absolute everything. Again, that’s why I feel so bad, because he could be the same for Kade too, but I suppose that’s a pointless thought.
The door clicks, I hear Mom walking back in her house so I move to the front door to greet her. She looks tired and worn down, which I suppose is because Logan was up a lot last night. Luckily, she really doesn’t seem to mind or I would move out in a heart beat. She adores Logan more than anything, it would be cruel to take him away from her. I grab the shopping bags from her and set them on the side.
“Hey, Mom, is everything okay?” I ask her curiously. “Was it alright at the shops?”
“I have something to tell you,” she says in a quiet tone of voice. “I don’t know if you’ll like it.”
I stop what I’m doing and I stare at her in shock. “What is it, Mom? You sound… scared.”
This could be anything, absolutely anything in the world, but I can just tell from the reservation in her eyes that this will be the topic I seriously don’t want to discuss. I mean, ever. I freeze, my blood runs icy cold and a sickness swirls inside of me, I couldn’t move even if I wanted to, I’m a raw mess.
“Is it Kade?” I ask her quietly. I wring my hands together in terror. “Has he… come back?”
She bites down on her bottom lip and nods slowly. I cannot believe it. On Father’s Day he has decided to resurface, when our child is four years old and asking about him. It’s almost as if he’s done it on purpose just to complicate my existence even more than it already is. My head spins fast with this knowledge.
“I’ve just seen his mother and she said that he’s come back from the business trip that his dad sent him on. Apparently now, he’s grown up a lot and he’s changed so much that he’s going to be in charge of the company.” She gives me a desperate look, trying to work out how I feel. Unfortunately, I don’t know the answer to that myself. “She’s having a party for him on Saturday night and she wants us to go.”
Of course we have been invited, why wouldn’t we be? As far as Kade’s mom is aware we are all friends. Yes, we’ve had bumps in our friendship, but that’s nothing. If she knew the truth, I’m sure she wouldn’t be so keen as to have us there. It’s going to be horrific to see the man that I loved, the man that I betrayed, the father of my child in a room with so many other people… but maybe that will be easier because it won’t be one on one. I can try to figure out how he feels about me without even asking.
“Right.” I gulp noisily. “I see, so we should go, right? It’s only right for us to go.”
“If you don’t want to, we don’t have to. It’s going to be very difficult with you know who,” she of course means Logan by this. “Especially since he’s invited too, and it’ll be weird if we don’t take him.”
The idea of Logan being in the same room as his father fills me with dread. I’m sure that even if he mom doesn’t realize it, he will. He’ll see himself in Logan right away. He knows that we slept together so he’s sure to work it out. I’m really going to have to work out my excuse for not telling him. It needed to be good.