“I have, but not one that belongs to us. I mean, one of us is going to have a baby, which obviously and effectively means both of us. This is the happiest I think I’ve ever been.”
“Don’t start crying again. You’ll set me off, and we’ve already cried all our makeup away.”
“Okay, you’re right. Let’s go and do something to take our minds off this extreme happiness.”
“Like what? What did you have in mind? A coffee and a cake or something?”
“No, let’s go baby shopping. I mean, it’s time, right? You need to spruce that apartment up anyway.”
I gulp, trying not to think about all the unpaid bills and the lack of funds in my bank account, trying not to get myself all worked up again that I might damn well be homeless before this baby comes. Without a job and a regular income, I still have no way of covering the medical costs of this baby, never mind anything else. But at the same time, I want to go and look at all the cute stuff in the baby shops.
It might actually make me feel better to see what life is going to be like if something magically changes.
“Yeah, you know what? Let’s do it. I can plan out what I want when my baby comes.”
“And I need to decide what I’m going to get you as a baby shower gift.”
I almost tell her that I don’t need anything for a baby shower gift, but I snap my lips closed just as quickly. I might well need everything bought for me as a gift since it’s unlikely that I’ll be able to afford it myself.
“Come on, give me a look at that picture again, then we need to decide on names.”
“I can’t pick a name! I don’t even know if I’m having a boy or a girl yet.”
“That doesn’t matter. We can pick names for both. What about Cole for a boy?”
“Ooh, Cole. And Louise for a girl? Do you like that?”
“Louise? No, I don’t like that. You can’t call a baby Louise. What about Ariel?”
“Like the mermaid? No way! Now you’re acting crazy. Remember, the name is for life.”
We laugh together, a giddiness rolling through us as we head toward the shops. Everything else might be crashing down around me, but I have so much to feel good about, it doesn’t really matter. I know that somehow I’ll come through and make it all okay. Hopefully, this is what growing up looks like.
* * *
I flop onto my couch, my head spinning through everything. What a day it’s been!
“I can’t believe you did that.” Millie laughs. “You landed yourself a job at the baby store.”
“I know! It’s awesome, isn’t it? But it makes a lot of sense, doesn’t it? They are in the business of babies, so I know they’ll be great when it comes to maternity leave and things like that. I’m sure they’ll even take me back once my little boy or girl is born, so I’ll have that to fall back on when it comes to it.”
“It doesn’t pay that great though . . . nothing like your last job . . .”
“I know, but this feels good. My last job isn’t an option anymore. It’s never going to happen, so I have to move forward. This is good, this is what I need. Now, at least, I can support myself.”
“Will it be enough? I don’t want to put a damper on things. I’m just concerned about you and the baby.”
It won’t be enough—I don’t even need to do any mental calculations to work that much out—but it’s better than nothing. Right now, I have no money coming in and too much going out. This is an improvement.
“You don’t have to worry about anything, I’ll be fine, Millie. Honestly. I appreciate you caring, but it’s okay. Haven’t I proved to you today that I’m kicking ass at this?”
She smiles and nods agreeably. “Yeah, I suppose you have. I’m sorry . . . I can’t help worrying.”
We chat for a little while longer before she leaves so I can get some rest, which I really appreciate, but today has stirred absolutely everything up. Now all I can think about is money, and I know I can’t bury my head in the sand any longer. In a few months’ time, this baby is coming, and I’ll need some money to finance that.
I grab my cell phone and stare at Brock’s name, wondering if I can get him involved in this. If he doesn’t want to be a father, that’s okay, but he could at least help me out financially. I’m sure he won’t want his child to end up in the welfare system, so he might give me the money. I don’t even need to speak to him. I can just leave a message, let him know what’s going on.
I’m sorely tempted, just for the baby, but my pride can’t take the rejection just yet. I might have to resort to this, but I’d much rather try everything else first. There has to be another solution—I just need to find it. I’ve taken positive strides today, and I can keep going down that track. I just need to keep thinking smart.