“Also, no one to help.” Millie cocks an eyebrow at me. “You’ll have me, obviously, but not—”
“Don’t even say his name.” I hold up my hand to silence her. “I don’t even want to think about him today. It’s supposed to be a lovely, magical day. I don’t want it ruined by thoughts of him.”
“I know, I know. I just can’t understand why you won’t tell him. It doesn’t seem right.”
“He won’t answer the phone, and he doesn’t want to see me. I couldn’t tell him even if I wanted to. Which I don’t. He doesn’t deserve to get to know about our child if he won’t even hear me out.”
“Yeah, I get what you’re saying. I just don’t like it, you know? It doesn’t feel right.”
I fall into silence, refusing to continually go around in circles. I already know where Millie stands on this topic, and she knows where I stand. She thinks the father has a right to know about his child, and I don’t know how to get through to said father, so what the hell can I do about it? Even the idea of getting to him and listening to him yell at me about the possibility that he isn’t even the father of said baby puts tension in my shoulders.
I don’t need an argument right now. I have enough going on.
My mind drifts, and I wonder about the child when he or she is born. I know it’s a few months off no—about six, I’d imagine—but I’m still in the place of daydreaming about that moment. Will my child look like me or Brock? Is it going to be hard to disguise that he’s the father? Do I even want to? It’s so confusing.
“What’s going on, Jodi?” Millie asks, her tone softer now. “Have I upset you talking about him?”
“You haven’t upset me. The whole thing is just hard. It’s annoying knowing that I didn’t actually do anything wrong and he won’t listen to me. Now there’s an innocent victim of that stubbornness.”
“You could always try again, you know? We could see him, face to face like I said.”
“No, I don’t think so. If he can turn his back on me so quickly, then he can do the same to our child.”
“Do you honestly think he would? I mean, he isn’t that bad a person, is he? He isn’t Lucas.”
“Oh no,” I groan. “I certainly don’t want to think about Lucas right now. God forbid.”
“He’s in jail. He isn’t an issue anymore, thank goodness. You don’t ever need to worry about him at all.”
“I know. I just don’t like the memory of him. Looking after him got me in this mess. I hate him so much.”
“Yeah, well, you don’t need to lump Brock in the same category. He wouldn’t treat you the same.”
I shrug, refusing to get into it. He probably wouldn’t, but I can’t be sure. “I think I need water.”
I move over to the water cooler and pour myself a cone of water. My hand shakes as I lift it to my mouth. Some spills down over my lips and onto my tee shirt, making me curse much too loudly. I dart my eyes around, quickly soaking in all the nasty looks from the mothers who already have kids with them.
That’s something I’m going to have to work on if I intend to be the perfect parent.
/> The pressure to be perfect does weigh heavily upon me, especially since I’ll be alone. I’m sure that’s not an alien concept, that everyone goes through it, but I am making it so much worse for myself.
“Jodi Night!” the nurse calls out, smiling at me as she beckons me forward. “It’s time for your appointment.”
I flick my eyes toward Millie, begging her to come with me, and she immediately rises to follow. Everything that just happened between us, all the tension, it simply melts away. Like she always has been, Millie is the best friend ever. She slides her fingers through mine and holds my hand until we enter the room with the bluish glow.
“Okay, Jodi Night. I hope you’re ready to see your baby. Please lie down on the table.”
The machine that I’m about to be hooked up to looks like alien technology. I don’t know how I’m going to see my baby on there, but I get a sensation of fluttery excitement as I wait. I do as she commands, lying back on the bed and blinking my eyes a few times as I adjust to the weird lighting in the room.
This is going to change things, I just know it. Once I see my baby, everything that came before will be gone. All the petty bullshit, all the drama, none of it will matter anymore. This is the time for me to grow up, and I actually can’t wait for it. My youth has been a pretty turbulent time. I’m prepared for the next step.
* * *
“Oh, my goodness, this picture is amazing. It’s the best thing I’ve ever seen.”
“Oh, come on, Millie, you’ve seen an ultrasound picture before, right?”
I might be doing what I can to play it down, but I can’t wipe the giant smile off my face. It’s like I have a coat hanger spreading my mouth wide apart, and that matches the way I feel inside. Happiness explodes deeply inside of me, like an erupting volcano. It flows over, running free, heating all of me up.