She slumps forwards, her body language screams out in pain, but I’m frozen in the seat, unable to help.
“No, you never told me anything about anyone called Jane. Would you… like to talk about her now?”
She nods but doesn’t say anything for a while. The tension clings thickly to air, it could be cut with a knife, but it isn’t my place to shatter it. I have to be as patient as I can manage, and let Lexi break the silence.
“Jane is my sister,” she finally announces. “And she’s sick… just like my mother was. She inherited the same thing. The reason I don’t talk much about her is because it’s so hard. I… I want to think of her as the strong beautiful woman that she was, I don’t like people to only know her as the sick person she is now.”
“Sick?” So… she was visiting her sister, not going for herself? “So, it’s…”
I don’t know how to ask her how bad it is. I probably shouldn’t, it might not be an appropriate question.
“She’s having some new experimental treatment. It’s… well, it’s expensive. That’s why I needed the job here. For the salary, to make sure that I could afford it for her. To give her a chance.”
Guilt crushes down on me. Now I feel even worse about my suggestion. She agreed to sexual favors for the extra cash because she wanted to give her sister a chance at life that her mother didn’t have. If I’d known, then I wouldn’t have abused her position at all. I know that she might like me now, but still… it isn’t right.
“So, she’s started the treatment, but it seems to be affecting her, badly.” Lexi’s head falls into her hands. “She is sick all the time. They keep telling me that it’s normal and I should be alright with it, but I’m not. It doesn’t feel right. Plus, seeing her like that is horrible. It isn’t her, and I’m… I’m scared.”
I gulp. There are no words to this. I’m blown away. Lexi has been carrying this massive weight on her shoulders and I never would have known it. She’s even stronger than I ever could have known. All it does is makes me fall for her even more. She’s a freaking saint.
“Then I went to see her tonight after being here, like I do every single night…”
I keep it quiet that I followed her, for her sake more than mine. She doesn’t need this on her shoulders as well.
“And she wouldn’t let me in. She got the nurse to tell me that she doesn’t want visitors, to send me away. All I want to do is see her, to help her, to make this better for her, but she’s convinced that I need to get a life, and that I shouldn’t be with her all the time because it isn’t right.”
Everything clarifies in my brain, I start to
see what’s been going on. That’s why she’s been so distant, so distracted. Because she’s obviously had her mind on Jane. Especially since her mother lost her life to this, it must hurt. I am lucky enough not to have any experience with grief, so I don’t know what to say.
“But shouldn’t it be my decision?” she sobs. “I’m the one living this life and I want to be with her. I want to spend as much time with Jane as I can, and I want to help her. I just think it’s selfish to send me away.”
Shit, this is heavy. Sibling rivalry, especially in a situation like this, is not a territory that I want to get involved in. But Lexi is looking at me expectantly, she wants me to jump in and say something.
“Maybe she’s scared that she’s being selfish having you around all the time?” I offer, hoping that this is the correct thing to say. The last thing I want to do is set her off crying again.
“I know Jane, and she probably does think that, but it isn’t true. It’s what I want.”
I bite down on my lip, needing to offer her anything. “You know, you can have all the time off work that you need, so you can be there for your sister. It won’t change anything, I will still pay you the same.”
“Thank you, I appreciate that offer, but I can’t see her during the day anyway because of the treatment. Plus, I have no God damn idea when she’s going to let me back in again. Nurse Amy suggested tomorrow, but I have been on the receiving end of Jane’s stubborn streak before and I’m not convinced. I think she’ll assume this will force me to get a life and not worry about her all the time… but it will make me worry more.”
“Have you tried communicating that to her in another way? A message perhaps?”
“I don’t know. I haven’t tried, I don’t know how well it would work out. It might make her dig her heels in deeper.” She shrugs her shoulders in a blasé manner, but I can see under her shell and I can tell how much this hurts her. “I’m not sure what the best thing to do is. I really wish I did. It sucks.”
All I can do as she collapses into sobs again is hold her. I bring her to my chest and let her weep, knowing that it’s hopeless. She doesn’t even know if this experimental treatment will work or not. She has no idea if her money is even going to anything useful, and that must be horrible.
I need to help her now, to do what I can to make her life easier rather than harder. I will do whatever I can to take the weight off her shoulders as much as I can. Tonight, that means not leaving her alone.
“Come on, let’s get you out of here. You need some rest. I know it won’t be easy, but you can’t just sit in the office.” She nods doubtfully. “I will walk with you, make sure that you’re okay.”
She won’t be though, with everything going on, she might not be okay again. This isn’t something I can fix, nor can I really comfort her. Being there is about all that I can offer… if she’ll let me, of course.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Lexi
As we walk, I fold my arms across my chest, feeling vulnerable and exposed. I never allow myself to be open like that, I haven’t told anyone about Jane because it isn’t my story to tell, and I also don’t want anyone feeling sorry for me, but tonight it just got to be too much for me, and Isaac was there, warm and open.