“It’s time to go,” I rasp to myself, staring at myself in the mirror. Or a woman that looks like me anyway. But I don’t see myself there at all. Just an empty shell with nothing there but a hollow numbness. “Go home.”
It’s with a heavy heart that I leave the hospital, and the tears continue to drip down my face as I go. The cold air hits me hard, causing the tears to turn in to sobs. Racking sobs that shatter through my whole body. My shoulders shake hard, a howl bursts from my chest, I want to collapse. It takes every part of inner strength that I have to keep going. I want to fall down and cry, I just don’t want the humiliation.
I walk and walk, barely even paying attention to where I’m going. I’m following routes that I vaguely know, but I’m not sure if they take me home. I can’t be in between those four walls just staring at them while I die inside. My organs are shriveling, my heart is turning to stone and my stomach is falling out. As the tears soak my face and my insides shrivel up, I want someone to reach out to, someone to hold on to, someone to understand, but I have no one. I’m all alone.
I collapse outside the office, leaning by a wall, knowing that I have a little bit of safety here. I will soak it up, just for a moment, before I move on again.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Isaac
What the…? I don’t know how the sound manages to reach me, but it soaks into my ear drums and alerts me to danger. Or not necessarily danger, but someone who needs my help. I race to the window and look outside to see a shocking sight. Lexi, leaning against the wall, sobbing like her life is falling apart. I have never seen her like this before, she’s always so strong, she seems to push her emotions down. The fact that she’s letting them out now just proves how bad all of this is. This must be even worse than I thought.
“Fuck, fuck,” I growl while I rush towards the stairs. The fact that she’s just been to the hospital, the worries that I’ve been having about her dying, all flood me painfully. “Lexi, fuck sake.”
My heart thunders in my ears, sickness swirls, I stamp so hard against the floor that my hips hurt. But the need to comfort Lexi, make this about her rather than myself, overshadows everything else. I push the door open and race in front of her, only stopping when I’m in her eye line. I pant, trying to get my breath back, trying to find out what she wants me to do, what she needs me to say. I want my words to be the right ones.
Speak, I practically scream inside my brain. Say something. Help her, make her feel okay again.
“Lexi,” I gasp. “You’re…” I trail off. There are no words, not when I don’t know.
Her eyes dart upwards. As soon as they meet mine, they snap away again. She can’t even stand to look at me which only confirms everything that I have already suspected. She’s slipping away from me like grains of sand. I’m losing her, minute by minute, second by second. The only woman that I have ever loved…
Not that I can tell her now, it would be awful to do so. For both of us. I just need to stuff those feelings down, bury them hard, and pretend I never really felt them in the first place. That’s the only way to keep sane.
“Lexi, what’s wrong? Tell me, please.” I ask with an edge to my voice. “Let me help you somehow…”
She takes a step forwards and collapses against my chest, my shirt soaking wet from her tears in seconds. I wrap my arms around her and hold her tight, wishing that I could do more. This doesn’t feel like enough. But as her arms snake around me too, I feel like this is all I can do, it’s what she needs.
“Oh, Lexi,” I whisper. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what’s happening, but I’m sorry.”
She cries harder, wailing like there’s no tomorrow. People around us glance over, wondering what this poor woman is sobbing for, but since I have no idea I have to keep looking away.
“Come on, let’s go inside,” I whisper into her ear. “Let’s get some coffee.”
I don’t know if that will help, but I have to try and do something. Thankfully, she follows me inside, not resisting coming back to work. I’m sure she’s sick of this freaking place.
“Right, let me get you a seat, and I will get some drinks for us.”
I make her sit in the waiting area, where I leave guests and potential clients when I want to impress them, because it’s comfortable and serene. I hope that does something to calm her down a little. At least enough to tell me what’s wrong, because the not knowing part is crushing me. I keep darting my eyes over to her as I make the drinks, and the sobs do seem to be cooling themselves, but I don’t know if they’re going to stop.
This whole thing just highlights how much I like her; how much I love her. This is the exact reason why I don’t fall in love. Why I don’t get into feelings, because it’s messy. And now I’m in the biggest fucking mess in the world, my heart spinning desperately with need. I just want to climb out of this hell.
“Here’s your coffee,” I say as I hand her the drink. She takes it, but I don’t let go for a couple of moments, because her hand is shaking too violently. She’ll spill it everywhere. “Are you okay?”
She nods and takes the smallest sip. Just a tiny little one. Followed by another and another. I keep my eyes on her the entire time, ready to jump up whenever she needs me to.
“Lexi, please let me help you if I can,” I plead. “Please let me know if there’s something I can do.”
“There is nothing anyone can do. This is… well, it is what it is. There’s nothing I can do. Or you.”
Shit. Those words make it even worse. This is the worst news ever. It has to be. Her life is crumbling, and I’m going to be left here… fucked. This is why people don’t get feelings…
“Well, except for Jane,” she bites out, completely confusing me. “She could do something.”
“Er… Jane?” I ask curiously. “Sorry, who is Jane? Have I missed something here?”
She gives me a bit of a look before continuing. “Oh right, I never told you about Jane, did I?”