I shake my head, trying to block out all of these thoughts, trying to get rationality back to me, but it’s gone. The only place in the world that I can think to run to is back to the office. Things were clearer there, I knew what was happening between me and Lexi… or what might happen anyway. Now, I’m stuck.
I turn and practically run away, as if escaping the situation will somehow make it better. I don’t think about where I’m going, I just walk. My head pounds, my heart throbs, my stomach churns with sickness. I’m afraid that the bile swirling around inside of me might fly out of my mouth at any given moment.
“How can this be? How can this be? It isn’t right. It’s a fucking mess…”
I pass a bar, almost darting inside for a drink to try and numb some of this, but I stop myself at the last moment. Alcohol isn’t the best idea, especially in a situation like this. My head is already cloudy as hell. I don’t want to make it worse. I need my thoughts to be clearer, not worse.
I continue walking until I somehow end up outside the office. Without considering what I’m doing too much, I head inside. My feet carry me all the way to my office where I can still smell me and Lexi in our more innocent time. Or not innocent, I just didn’t know what the fuck was going on.
“This isn’t right!” I yell. “This is fucking karma and then some. I don’t deserve this, do I?”
I might have broken a few hearts in my time, maybe, but I have always tried to be honest with my intentions. Maybe some women mistakenly assumed that they could change me, but I never gave that impression… Lexi definitely gave me the impression that she was into me, and a relationship was happening.
Okay, so she never actually said it, she hasn’t told me that she loves me or anything, and I never asked her to be my girlfriend in the end, but the intentions were there all along. I’m sure of it.
I pace up and down, the time that I have shared with Lexi racing through my mind. Her date with the boring guy that I ruined on her behalf, the moment she came into my office for a job interview and my heart skipped about ten beats, her first day when we had a real laugh together, the kissing, the sex – arranged and otherwise – all the times that I’ve got distracted, thinking about her, the way that I defended her against my father…
God, I love her. It’s so damn obvious that I’ve loved her for a long time. Whichever asshole said that it’s good to love and lose, or whatever, I don’t know the exact statement, was an idiot. This hurts like hell. It w
as much better before, just screwing around and not giving a damn about anyone. Parting, throwing money around, having fun with women… it was easy. Work didn’t matter, I barely cared about my father’s opinion, and I wasn’t obsessed with anyone. It was a much simpler life, that I would give anything to go back to.
“I need to erase her,” I tell myself angrily, just trying to find a new way to vent my emotions. “I need to get rid of her. Pretend that she never existed. That’s the best way.”
Of course, it doesn’t feel that way. But it’s anger or sadness and I can’t deal with fucking tears right now. Plus, if I open the flood gates over this, there might not be any shutting them back again. I can’t have that.
Chapter Twenty-One
Lexi
There’s a small smile playing on my lips as I arrive at the hospital. Yes, I’m later than normal, but I’m sure that Jane will see this as a good thing. Especially when I share my new story with her… some of it anyway, not all the gory details. She told me to get a life and that’s what I’ve been doing now. She’ll love it.
There’s almost a skip in my step as I go, and I can feel my hips swinging. Jane will notice it right away. She’ll tell me that something has changed, and it’ll give her plenty of distraction. Maybe I might even tell her that I think I might be falling in love… I wonder what she’ll say about that. Will she be pleased that I am having a good time? And with the guy that she recommended no less. Or will it highlight her own loneliness? I haven’t forgotten about her need for a boyfriend. When she gets out of the hospital, I will help her find that.
“Hi, Nurse Amy,” I smile at another nurse I recognize. “I’m here to see Jane.”
“Oh right.” Her face falls which instantly makes my blood run cold. “Erm, well Jane has actually asked for no visitors today. The treatment is making her sick and she just wants to rest.”
She’s being awkward, I can see it in her eyes, but that doesn’t make me feel any sympathy for her at all. I’m just pissed off. “Jane wouldn’t have meant me being a visitor. I’m her sister. She always wants to see me.”
Although, if I’m honest with myself, I don’t know if Jane has other visitors aside from me. She did in the beginning, when she was first brought into the hospital, but she played it down, telling people that she didn’t need them to come in, using her usual strength to hold her high… and as normal, people got on with their lives and eventually stopped coming. I don’t know how many people are aware that she’s still here.
“She actually said that applies especially to you. I know this sucks, and I hate to be the messenger here, but I think that Jane just needs some time to recover. Maybe come in tomorrow.”
I rake my fingers through my hair, a sense of desperation overcoming me. “No, that’s not right. Please, just let me see her. Just for a moment. This is because… well, she told me to get a life because I’m here so much, but that’s my wish. I want to be here, I want to take care of her. I need to see her.”
Hot tears burn behind my eyes, this is making me feel like shit. The urge to see my sister, to just know that she’s okay, is overwhelming. Any good feeling I had before is just sucked the hell away.
“Lexi, I can tell you now that Jane is fine. She’s doing well, she’s not falling apart, she just needs to rest. Unfortunately, I have to respect her wishes and do what’s best for her…”
“And what’s best for her is not seeing me?” I angrily brush a tear away. “That’s not right.”
“I’m sorry, Lexi, I don’t want to be the bearer of bad news, but this is how it is.”
She isn’t going to let me in. She really isn’t. This is fucked up. I have come all the way here and she isn’t allowing me to even see her. I can see that Nurse Amy feels the same way. After everything that I do for Jane, all I want is to be there for her and she won’t let me in?
“Is it because I’m later than normal? Is that why she doesn’t want to see me?”
The nurse shakes her head sadly. “No, she said it earlier today. It has nothing to do with time.”