I glance at Isaac, just to see his face fall. It makes me feel terrible, but then he nods in an understanding way. He’s a good man. He’s kind to me in a way that I’m not sure if I deserve.
“Of course. You go. Thank you for all you help tonight. I will see you tomorrow.”
I nod sadly and smile as much as I can. “Yes, of course you will. I’ll see you then.”
I pull away, hating that I need to, but it’s all I can do. It’s for Jane, and that’s all I need.
Chapter Twenty
Isaac
Where are you going? I want to scream. Why do you keep leaving me like this?
I have always known that she’s had a secret, even before the moment I started sleeping with her, but now it’s killing me. The more I fall for her, the more I need to know what that secret is. It’s driving me crazy. The more time that passes without her telling me, the more fearful I become that it’s something that will cause me to get my heart broken. I’m only just letting my heart out of its cage a little bit and I don’t want it to be damaged. Sure, I know that it’s a part of life and I shouldn’t be allowed to get through without it, but it’s the first time I have ever felt anything for anyone, this is terrifying.
What if it’s a husband and she’s married? Something along those lines…
I gulp the thick ball of emotion down, but it doesn’t shift. The idea that Lexi might be playing me for some reason just sticks. Sure, she doesn’t seem like that kind of person, but my judgment might be off. Plus, she might be in a desperate situation and that’ll make people do anything.
“I need to know,” I tell myself seriously. “I need to do something to make this okay again.”
I know it isn’t the right thing to do, I’m aware of how crazy this is, but the urge to see if Lexi really is the woman that I want her to be is clouding my judgement, making me feel like it’s the right thing to do. I grab my jacket, throw it over my disheveled clothing, and I head down the stairs, practically creeping as I go. I don’t know if she’s fully left the building yet, although she was in a hurry, and I don’t want to be caught.
“Am I really going to do this?” I pause by the door and hold the handle, blinking desperately, willing some rationality to go into my brain. “Am I really going to make this happen? This is too much.”
But I already know that my mind has been made up. I’m going to follow Lexi, to see what she’s doing. I know how it sounds, I know it also goes against the idea that I’m just waiting patiently for her to be ready… but I can’t help it. I’m scared for myself, and for her as well. There must be a reason that she is keeping it from me. We’re close enough now for her to share anything by now, I would think. She might be keeping it from me to protect me. But I want to be the one to protect her. For anything.
“I need to help her,” I tell myself, convincing myself. “In case she needs me. She might even want this…”
Whether that’s true or not, the crazy decision has been made and it’s time for me to follow through. I push the door open and lock it behind me, my pulse pounding wildly the entire time. Maybe I am in love, I have heard before that love makes you do crazy things… and clearly that’s what’s happening to me right now.
I stuff my hands in my pockets and dip my head low, feeling like an idiot as I walk. I can see Lexi in the distance, walking with her eyes on the floor, and I follow where she’s going, hiding in the shadows. The person that I am right now isn’t me, but I’m electrified, on edge, knowing that I can’t stop. The need to know is more powerful than anything else.
I’m a freaking addict. Lexi is more potent, more overwhelming than I’m sure any drug could be.
Lexi walks fast, wherever she’s going she needs to get there quick. That’s what always concerns me about her. She’s desperate, whatever is going on really troubles her hard. I try to keep the same pace as her without getting caught, which isn’t easy. Thankfully, it’s dark, and there aren’t other people around or I would probably end up locked away in jail for stalking, or something equally crazy.
God, I can just see the shit storm that would cause right now. My father would disown me, even my mother who’s the best peace maker we have, not that she can really do a lot for us, wouldn’t be able to do anything. All the people at work would think I’ve lost my mind, and Lexi would turn her back on me. Because I’m untrustworthy, not allowing her to tell me when she’s ready… it would be hell. So, why am I here?
“Oh fuck.” Lexi senses something. The rate that she spins around is rapid as hell. She’s definitely felt my presence. I’m right by an alleyway so I dart inside, and I grab onto my knees to get my panting breaths in order. The craziness of this hits me so hard it hurts. If she caught me, it would fuck up everything that we have between us. Is knowing really that important? Should I turn around and go back?
But as I peek around the corner, I notice that she’s continued walking, I realize that I’m not about to get caught. She hasn’t seen me, and if I want to, I could just keep following her. But do I want to? Or should I be smart?
My feet take off, doing what my brain secretly wants to but doesn’t give permission for yet. I guess that I’m not doing the smart thing after all. I’m continuing to follow her. Finding out where she’s going.
The directions are weird, I don’t quite know where we’re headed, every time I think I might be able to work it out, it changes again. That makes it all the more intriguing. My imagination annoyingly keeps going to dark places, thinking the worst thing possible. I don’t need that, I would rather just focus…
“What the hell?” My voice murmurs, the shock completely evident as I see where we’re headed. The hospital. Not what I was expecting at all. I don’t know what I really thought, but this isn’t it.
I freeze, watching her go inside as I recall the conversation that we had over dinner. She told me that her mother died when she was young. I never thought to ask what of, but what if it’s because she was sick? It could be something hereditary and now Lexi has it too. She might be about to break my heart, not because she wants to. That idea makes me panic so hard that I clutch onto my chest, the pain evident.
I want to run inside, to go with her to her appointment, which must be important because it’s so late at night, but I can’t. There’s no way that I can explain this to Lexi. She will kill me. She obviously doesn’t want me to know for a reason, she isn’t ready to tell me, and now that I know I can see why.
“Oh God, fuck, this is bad. This is really bad.”
I lean down and place my head between my knees, gasping desperately. I’m dizzy, this information too much for my brain to take in. This is the woman that I’m falling for, that I want to be with, that I want to have a future with… I don’t want her to get sick. I don’t want to lose her. I want her for my own.
The intensity of my feelings is too much. I really like her, more than I care to admit. More than I have allowed myself to believe, and now I’m utterly fucking terrified. I need to go back in time, I need to be back in that office, oblivious to all of this. It wouldn’t change things, but it was better not knowing.