“It’s something to me.”
“Easy,” he said. “You’re easy.”
I snorted. “Thanks. I think.”
He shook his head. He was frustrated, opening his mouth, no sound coming out. I waited for him to find the right words. He said, “This.” He waved his hand between the two of us. “This is… not. Right.” He picked at the frayed edges of the blanket. “I’m not… good. In my head. I can’t focus.” He scrunched up his face, sticking out his tongue between his teeth in concentration. “You think. You think you come here. For something. For me. But don’t need this. Don’t need you. Better off somewhere else. You go. I stay.”
I leaned forward. “I’m only going to say this once more. And then I’m never going to say it again. Listen to me. Okay? Really listen to me this time. Can you do that?”
His head jerked up and down.
“Good. I’m not leaving. You don’t need me, fine. You don’t want me, fine. I’m not going to… force. Anything.” My palms were slick with sweat. “I don’t even know how… that works. Like. At all. So. And even if I did—I mean, I’m constantly surrounded by all the homo in our pack, so you would think I’d have some idea, and it’s not like it sounds bad, I just… okay. It’s like—are you laughing at me?”
The rusty, broken sound crawled up from his throat, and he was huffing out his nose, but he was smiling, and I understood then what Joe had seen in Ox, why Gordo and Mark were always going to find their way back to each other, why Kelly never stopped searching for Robbie. It was warm like a summer day. It was candy canes and pinecones, it was epic and awesome, it was dirt and leaves and rain, it was grass and lake water and sunshine.
It was a forest so alive, so untouched.
The surge of affection I felt for him was wild and unexpected. I wanted to reach out and put my hands on him, to press my face against his chest and hear his heart up close.
I stayed where I was.
But he laughed.
Ah, god, he laughed.
waiting for you/because i am
The days passed slowly by.
I was dreaming.
I wasn’t dreaming.
I was awake.
I wasn’t awake.
I was slipping.
I wasn’t slipping.
I was building toward something I couldn’t name.
I was terrified.
I was exhilarated.
I was losing my mind.
HE STAYED HUMAN in the cabin more and more. He’d disappear into the woods, and though I’d consider following him, my cowardice kept me inside. Livingstone didn’t come back, but I felt him in the surrounding woods, a darkness that pulsed like a dying heart.
Gavin would be gone for half the day, and I’d wait by the window until he returned.
He always did.
On one such day, he stumbled out of the trees as a wolf, his gait uncoordinated. He nearly fell outside the cabin but managed to catch himself at the last second.
I rushed out the door without thinking.