I’m going back to Dartmouth. Alone. I’m going to show you all what I can be. I’m going to show you all what I’m truly capable of. I’m going to make something of myself because I want you all to be proud of me. I know that you already are, but I want to make sure I’m deserving of it. You’ve done so much for me. All of you. It’s time for me to do what I can for you. And that starts with myself.
And so I did. I stepped out of the shadows of myself. Has it been perfect? Of course not. Seeing those you love on a monitor rather than in person sucks. I’d turn to tell Bear something and he wasn’t there. Just empty air, and by the time I did talk to him, days later and pixelated, I was just so relieved to see him that any other thoughts I had would be forgotten.
Bear, I know this is going to be hard for you. It’s going to be hard on me. Out of everyone, it’s been you who has been there for me. Every day. The good ones and the bad ones. And the ones where we didn’t think we were going to make it. But we did. Somehow we did.
Then there’d be some old sci-fi movie on TV as I flipped through the channels and I’d find myself about to call out to Otter, to tell him to come watch it with me so we could make fun of the special effects, the overacting, but each seriously digging the vibe of black-and-white post-Cold War paranoia in the form of giant spiders attacking New York.
Otter, you’ve done more for us than anyone. You protected us. You sheltered us. You held us together when everything else threatened to break us. I don’t know if we would have made it without you. Or, if we had, if we would have ever known happiness like we do now. We are who we are because of you. No amount of thanks could ever show how much that means to me.
Then there was him. Always him. Every little thing I saw or did or heard reminded me of him. It was my first months in New Hampshire all ov
er again, when I was just a Kid harboring a bright and longing crush on a best friend who I knew would never be mine. Four years later, though, he was mine and that crush had long since evolved into something deeper. More mature. More wonderful. Dominic Miller was loved by me in a way that I’d never loved anyone before. But it wasn’t enough. He didn’t deserve just to be loved. He deserved to be cherished. And I wanted to be the one to cherish him.
It hurt. Misguided? Probably. Selfish? Yeah. That too.
Necessary?
I think so.
Dom, I—
Bear. Otter. Can you give us a minute? He did nothing to disguise his anger.
Bear had looked to protest, but Otter led him away.
Dom argued with me then. In a way I’d never seen from him before. Fiercely. Bitterly. He told me I was running away again. That I was running and this time I wouldn’t come back. I probably wouldn’t even look back. I would leave them (him) all behind and I would forget about them (him). I probably never even really needed them (him). I understood his words were born of desperation, that they weren’t what he really thought, but they still hit me like a hammer to the chest. Dominic, my big, solid Dominic, was scared.
As if I could ever truly doubt how he felt about me. As if I could ever think anything but the truth ever again.
Dom, I said. It’s not going to be like that.
It will.
No. Not this time.
How is this any different?
Because I know now.
What?
That this is my home.
It’s always been your home.
Maybe, I said. But you are too.
The anger left him as quickly as it had come. What was left was a defeated resolve.
I can’t do this again, he said finally, and my heart stopped in my chest.
What?
Lose you. Not again. Not ever. It would kill me. His voice broke and I had to stop myself from collapsing. It almost did. I can’t let that happen again. I want you to go. Because it’s for you. It’s the right thing to do. It’s the only thing to do. And it’s not fair, I know, but I’m standing in front of you now, telling you that I want you to stay. Because that’s for me. I can’t lose you, Ty. I can’t.
I stood on my tiptoes and kissed him briefly. You won’t lose me, I told him. Because I’m not lost. Not anymore.
Then why?