Flying here wasn’t planned, but after leaving Harrison’s that day, I knew I was going to do something drastic. I just didn’t know what. After returning to my apartment to find Sam with a list of nanny’s and a baby catalog already out, I knew I had to get out of there. When she mentioned the word marriage I packed a bag, grabbed my passport and fled before she could ask me the question I knew I’d say no to.
Sam and I are okay now. We’re not great and we’re not going to be parents, ever. She miscarried at her two-month mark. I wasn’t there to hold her hand or comfort her, and I had to convince her that it was for the best. I wasn’t going to make a good dad. I didn’t want to marry her and she really didn’t want to be a mother if she was already thinking about nannies.
She asked me to come home and I told her I would, once my head was clear. I’m not sure if it is or not, but Harrison needs me. He called this morning, frantic, asking me to come back. For him, I will. For Harrison I’ll leave my little slice of paradise and return to the concrete jungle known as Los Angeles.
I’m not the same Liam I was when I left. I’ve spent hours learning how to surf, running on the beach and lifting weights. In the time I’ve been here, I’ve cut down on my drinking severely and stopped smoking. I feel good and there’s only a slight fog in my mind. I have a feeling that it’s always going to be like that. I’m empty and I know that’s from missing my grandma and her. It’s been over three years and I still can’t say her name.
I look down at my chest. My reminder of the pain I’ve caused her has been freshly retouched. The black ink is no longer faded. On my shoulder I now sport a barrage of art. There’s a skull, a flower and an eagle that took two days to do making my arm almost a full sleeve. I never thought I’d get another tattoo after the one I had put on my chest, but the pain helped me feel again and feeling was the key to get me to write. I have a pile of songs that I’m eager to put music to.
Harrison and I are ready to get back into the studio and I’ve told Sam that we need to revisit what 4225 West is about. We want a new record and she told us to lay down the tracks and she’ll send them out. I thought she was going to fire us as her clients after the stunt I pulled, but she didn’t. In fact, she forgave me, not that I was looking for her forgiveness. I know she loves me, but I’ve told her I’m not worthy of anyone feeling that kind of emotion for me.
Harrison and I also talked about adding a third member. It’s time, but we want to hold auditions. As much as we like Way, he’s a floater and doesn’t care where he plays as long as he does. We need someone who is going to be devoted to the band and willing to contribute with their own piece of artistic flair to get us to the top.
I take one last look at the ocean and bid it adieu. It’s time to go home and face the music, so to speak.
Despite the jet lag that is kicking my ass, I head straight to Harrison’s. I’m hoping, for the sake of my sanity, that Sam is not in my apartment. I never asked her to leave after she moved herself in, but I would like to think she knows we're over. I’ve been happy and drama free for months and the last thing I want is to start in with her about why I’ve been gone so long and why, when Harrison said jump, I asked how high. It’s hard to make a woman understand that you don’t want them without destroying their self-esteem. I’ve said this from day one, she’s a good-looking woman and I care about her, but I don’t love her and it’s best that we keep everything professional. Whether she’ll be able to do that or not will be the test. The last thing I want do is fire her, but I will if I have to.
I knock on Harrison’s door and a pang of regret surges through me. He still shouldn’t be living in this dump and had I stayed around or figured my shit out quicker, we could be on the road to success. We’re not and that’s my fault.
The door swings open and his mom greets me, enveloping me in one of the biggest and best hugs I’ve had in a long time. It’s funny that you don’t think about the people in your life when you’re gone, until you realize how much you’ve missed them. I’ve missed Mrs. James and everything she represents in my life. She’s the one person that I know who knew my grandma the way I did.
I pick her up off the ground and twirl her around.
“Put me down before you break your back.” She play
fully slaps me on my shoulder and I do as she says. I give her another hug before letting go. Maybe she is what I need – a mother figure to fix me. I wouldn’t dream of doing that to my own mother, but hugging her like that felt good. “I’ve missed you, young Liam.”
“Sorry I was gone for so long.”
She places her hands on my cheeks and her eyes start to water. “You look healthy. Your grandma would be so proud of you.”
I shake my head and my lips go into a thin line. I’d hate for my grandma to see me like this or like I was. “I don’t know about that. I lost myself for a bit. I’m hoping to change that real soon though.”
“I have faith,” she says, taking a deep breath. “Might as well go in and see what’s been happening in our family.” She nods toward the inside of the house.
I look around the door jamb for anything out of place or for something that might jump out of at me before looking back at her.
“Everything okay?”
“Everything is perfect.” Her smile is infectious and lights up her face. She pats me on the back, pushing me into the apartment. When I enter the living, I stop dead in my tracks. The thoughts that run through my head are enough to make my stomach turn because sitting on the floor is Harrison and between his spread out legs is a baby. Now, I’m not doctor, but the baby looks brand new.
“Is that… did she…”
“This is my son, at least I think he’s my son.”
I sort of stumble onto the couch, in a less than graceful manner, unable to take my eyes off the baby. I glance at Harrison. I look at the baby. Back and forth my head goes.
“What?”
Harrison plays with a lip ring; he does this when he’s deep in thought. It looks like both of us made some changes in our life. His is probably outweighing any of the drama I had going on.
“I don’t know much. A couple of days ago this girl shows up and she’s carrying this car seat. She sets it down in the middle of the floor and says it’s mine and walks out.”
“What the fuck?”
“Language, Liam.” I shrink back when I’m scolded.
“Sorry,” I apologize to Mrs. James. “So is it yours?”