I could enroll with Josie, but I don’t want to play football and I know that would be expected of me and that’s my fault or my parents with their stellar communication skills. I also don’t want people asking me why I’m not playing. What do I say, I hate it? That all the pressure you had me under last year and the years prior finally took their toll? That I made the biggest mistake of my life when I chose the same school that Mason chose because I wanted to continue playing with my friend, but he bailed? I had the world at my feet and now I have nothing to show for it. Surprisingly, I’m okay with that.
Going to Los Angeles is an option. Betty gave me an open invitation. I’d like to introduce her to Josie. Maybe that will help her understand my parents better. I know talking with Betty gave me a different perspective. I’ll never end up like my father and I’ll never ask Josie to give up her dreams for me. I’m the one who doesn’t know what the hell they want out of life, except for Josie. She’s the only part of my life that I know is definite. I can see us lying in the sand with the waves crashing around us. I can find a job that’ll keep me going until I know what I want to do, and she can go to college. We’ll be together living the life that we want. My parents won’t be there to interfere and remind me how much they don’t like her. It will just be us, living in a fast paced city and enjoying life. The thought of her and I together in Los Angeles brings a smile to my face.
I’m going to whisk her away just like those many rom-com movies she’s made me watch over the years. Chicks dig that, apparently. I’m going to make a grand show of it. I’ll show up at her dorm with roses in my hands and tell her that we’re destined for each other. Convincing her might be hard, but she’ll come. We’re in love and want to be together.
I speed down the highway toward Josie’s school. While I hope she’ll be excited with my decision, I know she’s also going to be disappointed in me. There’s no sugar coating why I’m showing up at her school like this, but she’ll be happy. I know it. I’ll make everything okay. We’ll be okay. I’ll find a way to make sure she can continue with school so she can get her education. For years she’s been my cheerleader, it’s time that I’m hers. I can do this for her. I know I can play, except…
The smile I was sporting is now gone with the sad realization that Josie doesn’t support my music. It’s not like I can blame her. I didn’t give her time to really accept it. I played for her once, without warning, and never brought it up again. I blindsided her with something she had no clue about. She doesn’t know how music makes sense in my jumbled up mind. Playing my guitar allows me to escape my life and I need that escape. I need to be able to shut my mind off and just play. I want to play for people. I’m not naïve in thinking I’m the next great singer, but if just one person likes what they hear from me, I’m complete. What if Josie doesn’t understand that?
The hours pass and before I know it I’m pulling into the parking lot where her dorm is located. I shut off my truck and watch the other students as they walk by. I spot Josie, laughing as she walks into her dorm. It hits me straight on that she’s happy here. She’s happy and I’m not. Josie’s living her dream, or at least she thinks she is. The thing is I can’t continue to live like this. I can’t. I can’t pretend anymore, to her, to my friends, and to myself. I feel like my head is under a pillow and I’m unable to breathe. I’m suffocating and I don’t know how to stop it.
I can’t do this. Not to her. Not to me. I’m the biggest fucking joke of a boyfriend on the planet. We had this dream and when I was sixteen it sounded fucking fabulous but right now I want to throw a rock through the window and shatter that dream into a million tiny pieces. I don’t want to play football anymore. It’s not for me. Seeing her in this moment, laughing and joking with her new friends, I know that I can’t do this to her. Taking her to LA with me, asking her to give up her dreams just so I can pursue something other than the plan we had, would make me just as bad as Sterling. I’d be pushing her to do something she doesn’t want to do. Even if she doesn’t know what’s out there in California, it’s not cheerleading and it’s not football. It’s not her idea of us.
She’s going to hate me.
I get out of my truck slowly. My feet feel like concrete blocks are tying them down. Each step is heavier than the last. The common room of her dorm is bustling with students. Some are watching TV and others are playing pool. None of them look at me as I start to climb the stairs to her room. How I know where to find her is beyond me. I know nothing about this school, yet everything seems so familiar. Maybe it’s because she’s been so descriptive when we talk or maybe it’s because I’ll always know when she’s near.
Her door is decorated with a white board and multiple paper flowers full of color. I raise my hand and knock twice. My heart starts racing, worse than when I first asked her to homecoming. Thinking back to that seems like so many years ago. Josie and I haven’t had enough time together, not in this life. We’re supposed to create greatness together and I don’t think that’s going to happen.
Standing before me is my girl. Her hair is down and she’s wearing one of my t-shirts. When I look in her eyes I see happiness and confusion. She doesn’t know why I’m here and now that I’m in front of her, neither do I.
“Liam, what are you doing here?” she asks the most obvious question. Yes, what am I doing here?
“I needed to see you,” I tell her, unsure of my own words. Do I really need to see her, yes, but the calm I feel with her isn’t there. And I can’t figure out why.
“I’m glad you’re here, you must be tired.” Her hand finds mine, she tries to pull me into her dorm room but I’m not budging. My concrete feet won’t move.
“You don’t want to come in?” Her voice breaks. She knows something’s wrong.
I do, but I can’t. If I go in I’ll never leave and nothing will change. My life will be the same pattern over and over again and if I don’t change it I’m going to go nuts.
I shake my head just slightly but it’s enough to peak her attention. “Something wrong Liam?”
My throat starts to close, my heart… it feels like it’s about to burst out of my chest. I know I’m doing the right thing, but why does it feel so horrible. What if I’m wrong? What if she doesn’t care about football and the life we thought we wanted years ago?
“I dropped out of school”
The first look of what is about to be a hissy fit spreads across her face. I have this face memorized from when we had our fight about Candy and me smoking. What she doesn’t know is that I’ve been smoking more and more. It gives me something to occupy my time with instead of thinking about how much I hate my fucking life right now. She comprehends the words I just said to her. She’s thinking about the plan. The plan I just deviated from. The all-American plan where I become an NFL football player and we live in a quiet neighborhood raising our two children, a boy and a girl, and she travels to my games and never misses one because she’s my personal cheerleader.
“Okay, why?”
“I… um… I can’t –”
“Can’t what? You’re scaring me, baby. Come in and we’ll talk about it. We’ll call your coach and fix this.”
I feel a sense of relief wash over when she says we’ll call my coach. That is exactly what I don’t want and I know I’ve made the right decision. I don’t want to play football anymore and she’s tied to football.
“I can’t be with you anymore, Josephine.” I don’t look at her when I say these words. I turn and walk away, ignoring her voice as she calls my name. I run down the hall, my feet suddenly free, zigzagging through the people that just witnessed my girl and I break up.
I stand by my truck waiting for her to come out. I keep telling myself that if she comes out, I’ll throw her in the truck and take her with me. The sound of hurt and anguish comes from her building. I turn and stare up at her window, it’s open and her curtains are blowing in the wind. She’s crying. I can hear her crying and it’s killing me. I try to go to her, but I can’t. I’m frozen to the ground. If I could just move, I can go back in there and pull her to me and make everything okay. Or I can get in my truck, drive away and never look back. I love my girl. I love her so much. Hearing her cry is killing me, breaking me. When my eyes become unfocused and watery I realize I need her. I can’t do this. I can’t go to Los Angeles without her. I take a step toward her when I see Mason running toward her dorm. She called for Mason, not me. She didn’t follow me out of her room when she could’ve. She could’ve come after me, chased me down the hall, but she chose not to. She could be standing in front of me, pounding on my chest and telling me how much she hates me, but she’s not.
She chose not to follow me.
Chapter 26
Betty meets me at a diner once I hit the city limits. I stumble into her arms the moment I step out of my truck. I know my eyes are bloodshot and for the first time in my life, I feel like a girl. I broke my own heart two-days ago and there’s nothing I can do to fix it. I know Josie would take me back if I asked her to, but why should she? I wouldn’t. I deserve to be alone and without love for the rest of my life. I’ve done the unthinkable.
I follow my grandma into the diner and we take a booth by the large window. I’ve never seen so much traffic and so many lights before. It’s late, but the city isn’t asleep.