My eyes closed in mortification as my breathing started to falter. You can breathe. Your body is playing tricks on you. You can breathe.
“That’s right,” Tommy whispered gently, making me flinch as he reached out to touch the back of Cecilia’s head gently. “Tastes good, doesn’t it, sweetheart?”
My stomach clenched in revulsion.
“I loved when Trish nursed our babies,” Tommy told me as he moved his hand to wipe the milk off my arm with one finger, then brought it to his mouth to suck it off. “Breast milk’s so fuckin’ sweet. Like candy.” He reached forward again, and I held myself still by sheer force of will as he pressed down gently and slid his hand down my breast, making it leak even more.
“Trish never had much to spare, only got my taste after the kids were done. Looks like you got plenty to share, though,” he commented with a tender smile, making my stomach roll as he ran his finger over and around my nipple.
“Look at those pretty nipples, Cam,” Tommy called into the backseat, never taking his eyes off me. “Perfect for feeding babies and men.”
Oh God. Oh God.
Cecilia’s mouth went slack on my nipple, and I knew what that meant, so I leaned her up on my chest and started to pat her back gently. She let out a large belch and immediately started rooting around again as Tommy laughed like a hyena.
As I moved her face toward my still leaking nipple, Tommy stopped laughing and his eyes zeroed in on my newly freed breast, red and wet from her mouth.
“Lean up here, Cam,” he called, waving his hand lazily.
I saw Cameron move out of the corner of my eye, but I couldn’t take my eyes from Tommy. I wasn’t sure what he was going to do, but I ached for the poor boy who was moving as slowly as he could toward the front of the car. At least Cecilia had no idea what was going on; Cameron was living it all in vivid Technicolor.
“You see that?” Tommy told Cameron, using his hand to press Cameron’s face toward me. He met my eyes before dropping them to glance at my breast, and then immediately raising them to me in mortified apology. That was when my eyes filled with tears for the first time since the whole thing began.
It’s okay, Cam, I tried to tell him silently. Everything’s going to be okay.
“Beautiful, huh?” Tommy said teasingly, pushing Cameron back into the backseat. “Looks like she’s done.”
I glanced down to find the baby asleep at my breast, and my heart thumped. Shit, now what?
Then it dawned on me.
Chapter 45
Casper
I paced the apartment that I’d covered hours before in wildflowers, waiting for Farrah. I’d been a dick last night—shit, I’d been a dick for months.
I’d had a long talk with Slider the night before, and he’d made me really think about the things I’d done over the past seven years. We’d talked about everything, even the shit that I hadn’t wanted to discuss. It had felt like some sort of biker version of Dr. Phil, but I couldn’t pretend that it hadn’t helped.
He’d been right when he told me that I’d done everything I could. I had. I’d always done everything I could to make sure that my family was safe, even if had never been enough. That was the part I had to come to terms with, and I think I was figuring it out, at least a little.
I couldn’t control everything that happened. It was fucking impossible. What I needed to do was control what I could and learn to let the other shit go, but that was easier said than done.
Dragon and Grease had come in at some point and added their stories to the mix, things that they’d done to protect their families and brothers, and times that they’d fucked up big and had to move past. All of us talked about shit that we would have never spoken of otherwise, and I couldn’t help but be thankful that the guys who’d just seen me acting like a pussy and yelling at my woman seemed to know exactly where I was coming from.
We’d eventually moved to the stuff that went down in Portland, and all the guys had given me shit for my guilt over Carmella. They’d yelled and cussed and slammed their hands down on the table as we’d debated, but at the end of the conversation one truth remained.
If I hadn’t shot her, she would have pulled the trigger again and one of us would have died.
I might have never met my daughter. Slider might not have ever fixed his relationship with Farrah. Dragon might not have gone home to his daughter and newborn son. The effects of that night if I hadn’t made the split-second decision to pull the trigger were endless and far reaching.
I knew that the decision I made was the right one, and now I just had to find a way to forgive myself for it. The first step in my plan was to tell Farrah everything without freaking out on her like I’d done the night before. I’d been such an asshole, and I needed to come clean if I ever wanted to make things right with her.
Slider had told me one last thing as he’d left early that morning.
“You can’t control everything,” he’d said, “and you can’t live this life keepin’ shit separate. That ain’t never gonna work. You wanna build somethin’ with Farrah, you have to be willing to let her take some of the shit ridin’ on your shoulders. She’s your soft place, son. A man needs a soft place to land when life gets fucked.”
I thought more about what he’d said as I paced, and fuck it, but the man made sense. Running a hand over my head, I glanced at the time on my phone.
It was already noon, where the fuck was Farrah?