When I get back inside, my mom is walking out of the bathroom in her robe with her hair wrapped in a towel. “I was thinking we could still go to…” She sees the tears falling down my cheeks and her words trail off. “What’s wrong?”
I cover my mouth with my hand as my tears turn into a loud sob. I’m not mourning the loss of the father I’ve never known, but the loss of the mother I never had. The mother who spent my entire life waiting for a man who was dead within hours of driving away. I should’ve looked him up sooner. I might not have been able to afford it at first, but the last several years I could’ve.
“Celeste, talk to me.” She pulls me down onto the couch. “You’re scaring me.”
“I found him,” I choke out through a loud sob. “I found my father.” My mother’s eyes widen and her teeth bite down nervously on her bottom lip. “He died, Mom.” More tears glide down my cheeks. “I’m so sorry.”
“When?” she asks, her voice wobbly.
“The day he left here. He was hit by a semi who fell asleep at the wheel.”
She nods a few times slowly, the rims around her eyes turning red. “You found him,” she says.
“I hired a PI,” I admit. “I should’ve done it sooner. I’m so sorry.”
“Oh, Celeste,” she murmurs, “I knew there was a chance something happened to him. I could’ve asked you to find him. I think I was just too afraid of what I might find.” Her fears mirrored mine.
“I was too,” I tell her truthfully.
“I only had him for a couple of months,” she says softly. “Only a couple short months. But I loved him so much.” She looks at me, her eyes assessing my features like she’s just now seeing me for the first time. “Oh, Celeste.” She weeps. “I was so focused on wishing he would return to spend our life together, I forgot to live my life. I’m so sorry.” Her hands come up to her mouth, and she shakes her head. Gut-wrenching sobs wrack her entire body as she stares at me.
She stands and walks toward the kitchen, then stops and twirls in a circle. Her eyes find mine. “What did I do?” she whispers. “What have I done?” She spreads her arms out. “This shitty trailer. My shitty job.” She sniffles. “All I had from my love with Snake was you, and instead of taking care of you, I abandoned you.”
I want to argue, tell her that’s not true, but we both know it is. She may have been here every day in body, but in mind, in heart, she was gone.
“It’s not too late,” I tell her. “You can still start your life over.”
A fresh flood of tears gush down her cheeks as she walks back over to me. She kneels in front of me and cups my face with her hands. “Start over?” She cries. “I missed it all! We were living under the same roof, but I missed everything. Every milestone in your life. I was here yet never present. Now you’re thirty years old. I don’t want to start over, Celeste. I want to go back in time.” Her lips tremble as she cries. “You must hate me.”
“No, Mom.” I reach up, and removing her hands from my cheeks, entwine our fingers. “I don’t hate you.”
“It’s why you never came back,” she mumbles. “I didn’t give you a home worth coming back to.”
“Mom.” I choke on the word, unsure of what to say. She’s right, but I’m not about to kick her while she’s down. She might’ve been a shitty mom, but I still love her.
“How do I fix this?” she pleads. “Tell me it’s not too late.”
“Move to New York with me,” I blurt out. “Move into my condo with me and we can get to know each other. I can help you start over…please.”
More tears fall down her face as she nods. “Okay, on one condition,” she tells me. I nod once, and she continues. “You stop running from love, and you don’t use me to hide from it anymore.” Her tone is pleading. “I messed up…bad. But I can’t sit by and watch you miss out on love and life because of what I did to you. You deserve it all, pretty girl.”
“I-I’m not…”
“Yes, you are.” She looks me dead in the eyes. “The scariest part of finally getting what you want is the fear of losing it. When you have nothing, there’s nothing to lose, but once you do, once you’ve gotten what you’ve dreamed of, you now have everything to lose.”
“I don’t think I could handle losing them, Mom,” I admit.
“I would give anything to have more time with Snake. Don’t you dare waste a second being without the people you love because you’re scared. I might’ve failed you while you were growing up, but I still know you. The last ten years, I’ve watched you from afar work your way up the fashion ladder. And I know damn well that you didn’t get to where you are by being afraid. It’s time to be brave, pretty girl. It’s time for you to live and love.”