'Well, a bit of that, sir. Sacharissa calls them human interest stories.'
'About vegetables and animals?'
'Yes, sir. But at least they're real vegetables and animals.'
'So... we have what the people are interested in, and human interest stories, which is what humans are interested in, and the public interest, which no one is interested in.'
'Except the public, sir,' said William, trying to keep up.
'Which isn't the same as people and humans?'
'I think it's more complicated than that, sir.'
'Obviously. Do you mean that the public is a different thing from the people you just see walking about the place? The public thinks big, sensible, measured thoughts while people run around doing silly things?'
'I think so. I may have to work on that idea too, I admit.'
'Hmm. Interesting. 7 have certainly noticed that groups of clever and intelligent people are capable of really stupid ideas,' said Lord Vetinari. He gave William a look which said 'I can read your mind, even the small print', and then gazed around the press room again. 'Well, I can see you have an eventful future ahead of you, and I wouldn't wish to make it any more difficult than it is clearly going to be. I notice you have work going on... ?'
'We're putting up a semaphore post,' said Sacharissa proudly. 'We'll be able to get a clacks straight from the big trunk tower. And we're opening offices in Sto Lat and Pseudopolis!'
Lord Vetinari raised his eyebrows. 'My word,' he said. 'Many new deformed vegetables will become available. I shall look forward with interest to seeing them.'
William decided not to rise to this one.
'It amazes me how the news you have so neatly fits the space available,' Lord Vetinari went on, staring down at the page Boddony was working on. 'No little gaps anywhere. And every day something happens that is important enough to be at the top of the first page, too. How strange-- Oh, "receive" takes an e after the c...'
Boddony looked up. Lord Vetinari's cane swung around with a hiss and hovered in the middle of a densely packed column. The dwarf looked closer and nodded, and took out a small tool.
It's upside down to him, and back to front, thought William. And the word's in the middle of the text. And he spotted it.
Things that are back to front are often easier to comprehend if they are upside down as well,' said Lord Vetinari, tapping his chin with the silver knob of his cane in an absent-minded way. 'In life as in politics.'
'What have you done with Charlie?' said William.
Lord Vetinari looked at him in nothing but innocent surprise. 'Why, nothing. Should I have done something?'
'Have you locked him up,' said Sacharissa suspiciously, 'in a deep cell, and made him wear a mask all the time and have all his meals brought by a deaf and dumb jailer?'
'Er... no, I don't think so,' said Lord Vetinari, giving her a smile. 'Although it would make a very good story, I've no doubt. No, I understand he's enrolled in the Guild of Actors, though of course I realize that there are those who would consider a deep dungeon a preferred alternative. I foresee a happy career for him, nevertheless. Children's parties, and so on.'
'What... as being you?'
'Indeed. Very risible.'
'And perhaps when you have some boring duty to perform, or have to sit for an oil painting, you'll have a little job for him?' said William.
'Hmm?' said Vetinari. William had thought that Vimes had a blank look, but he'd been wreathed in smiles compared to his lordship when Lord Vetinari wanted to look blank. 'Do you have any more questions, Mr de Worde?'
'I will have a lot,' said William, pulling himself together. The Times will be taking a very close interest in civic affairs.'
'How commendable,' said the Patrician. 'If you contact Drumknott here I'm sure I will find time to grant you an interview.'
The Right Word in the Right Place, William thought. Unpleasant though the knowledge was, his ancestors had always been amongst the first to get to grips in any conflict. In every siege, every ambush, every stricken dash against fortified emplacements, some de Worde had galloped towards death or glory and sometimes both. No enemy was too strong, no wound was too deep, no sword was too heavy for a de Worde. No grave was too deep, either. As his instincts wrestled with his tongue, he could feel his ancestors behind him, pushing him into the fray. Vetinari was too obviously playing with him. Oh well, at least let's die for something decent... Onward to death or glory or both!
'I am sure, my lord, that whenever you wish for an interview, the Times will be quite prepared to grant you one,' he said. 'If space allows.'
He hadn't realized how much background noise there was until it stopped. Drumknott had closed his eyes. Sacharissa was staring straight ahead. The dwarfs stood like statues.