I just gape at her.
"Dammit, I'm serious--maybe it really is over. But if it's surmountable, then for god's sake start climbing that mountain. Haven't you two lost enough time?"
We have, I think. We really have.
But I'm not sure how to get past this.
I'm still not sure when I wake up late in the morning, or when I go back to sleep, too sad and frustrated and lost to care about the fact that it's a gorgeous day and I'm missing all of it.
When I finally drag myself out of bed around eight Sunday evening, I'm still not sure what to do. I'm still numb. I'm still lost.
I haven't magically healed, and it's my life that is still a nightmare, but not the kind I can wake from. And the truth is, I'm starting to wonder if I truly understand what is at the core of my pain. Is it the difference in our beliefs? Or is it that he kept such a huge secret from me.
I don't know, and the question is still on my mind when Liam shows up at my doorstep Monday morning.
"You writing me off, too? Or can I come in?"
I frown, because I'm not. I hadn't even thought about calling Liam to chew him out. To tell him our friendship was on the outs. Honestly, except for the shock of seeing him on that video screen, I hadn't thought of him at all.
"It's different with Dallas," I say defensively as I let him in, then head to the living room.
"Because you're sleeping with him?"
I whip around to face him, surprised.
"Because you're in love with him?"
"I--he told you?"
"If he hadn't, you just did. Do you really think that matters to me? I've known you two should be together since you handed him that damn bunny."
I drop onto the couch and put my head in my hands, my elbows on my knees. "I'm all screwed up,
" I say to the floor. "And I'm so pissed off at Dallas."
"I get that," he says. "But you're not angry with him because of what he does. You know he's not like Benson. That Deliverance isn't like Benson."
I nod. I'd never believe that he or Liam would so callously put victims at risk in order to make a buck. "But that's not all of it. What you do--this vigilante bullshit--"
"You don't agree with it," he says. "Understood. But you don't agree with a lot of things people do and you don't write them off."
I lift my head to look at him, because his words are a mirror to my earlier thoughts. What he did or what he kept secret? Which is really at the heart of my pain?
"Take a hard look at Colin," Liam continues. "Tax fraud. Insider trading. And we both know he was into more dangerous stuff than that. Your arm didn't get broken back then because he fucked up his accounting. Smuggling, drugs, I don't know. But I do know he's done some messed up shit, and you know it, too."
I can only nod. He's right.
"Even your dad. He may not be part of Deliverance, but he did exactly what you say you're against. And yet here you are in this nice house from the family trust. And you love him and he's your father, and I don't think you've even thought to bring it up with him."
"No," I say. "I've thought about it. I just haven't said anything."
"Why not?"
I shrug. "Because he's my father. Because--because I love him and he did what he thought made sense and it's just easier to stay quiet and not tell him why I think he was so, so wrong."
"Funny, I was under the impression you loved Dallas, too."
I lick my lips. "I do," I whisper. But the truth is, Dallas matters more. It's not like it is with my father. I can't just stay quiet. Not if I want to be close. Not if I want there to be an us. And I do. God help me, I really do. But I don't know how to get past this wall.