He turns slowly, and every bit of him is seething, ready to fly into a rage. “You don’t know me, Kerry.”
“Then tell me what you’re hiding.”
“I’m not hiding anything.” His teeth are gritted, and I wonder how his emotions can swing so far so fast. There’s something here right below the surface. It’s raw and still weeping, just like me, but covered with a layer of jokes and jabs.
“Then say it. Tell me and stop pussyfooting around this secret!”
He mashes his lips together and shakes his head. “You know what? It’s not that easy. You’ll hear it and assume a bunch of shit. I don’t have time for this, Kerry. Stopping was a fucking mistake. Deal with your shit by yourself." Josh steps forward like he’s going to mow me down. I’m blocking the only exit. Looking past me, he snarls, “Move.”
“No.”
Josh lowers his gaze and focuses on my face. “I’m not that guy, Kerry.”
“Then tell me who you are.”
“Actions should be enough.”
“They are! They’re screaming that you’re terrified I'll find out whatever you're hiding and never speak to you again. Just tell me what it is before I find out from someone else.” He stands there so long, with no response, that I’m about to give up and step aside.
“You’ll run, and you won’t look back.” He breathes deeply, letting the air fill his lungs completely before exhaling.
“You don’t know that.”
“I do. It’s what everyone does when they find out. It’s the reason I can’t be friends with your friends. It’s the reason for everything.” He watches me while stepping nearer, pressing his body into mine.
“Josh…”
Desperation mingles with something softer. “Kiss me," he whispers. "I promised Beth I wouldn’t go after you. I’m not. One kiss and I'll reveal my story. This will be over and Beth won’t have to worry about anything between us ever again. You’ll run away screaming, any trust you granted gone. I knew you were like a dream that ended too soon.” His lashes lower as he leans nearer, inches from my face. “Kiss me.”
My heart is pounding and my head is spinning. Does he really think I’ll walk away? After all the shit I’ve been through? He was there for me, time after time. I shouldn’t kiss him, I promised Beth, but he seems so hurt. I can’t let him think he doesn’t matter. That’s what this is meant to be. Proof I won’t flake out and run away.
Heat rises from within my belly and travels up my chest, spreading to my arms, and flushing my face. I can’t say he doesn’t make me feel anything, because he does. I set aside all my mental issues and decide to be there for him. I place my hands on his cheeks and rise up on my toes, sweeping my lips against his. The jolt of passion is there again, lurking beneath the surface, threatening to scorch us if we don’t keep it reigned in.
His lips are soft and careful. I almost wish he wasn’t. It’s like he’s repressing what he wants to do, how he really wants to kiss me and is settling for the G-rated version. I pull back and keep his cheeks cupped in my hands. “That was nice, and you’re anything but nice, so let's try that again—and stop being so goddamn proper. That’s not you. You won’t scare me, Josh.”
His green gaze meets mine. Fear and trust mingle in his eyes, and I can’t tell which will win. When he lowers his lashes, I think he’s going to step away, but he doesn’t. Josh mirrors my stance and places his hands on my cheeks. When he lowers his lips to mine, the chaste kiss is gone, and I feel him—his excitement, his hope, his desire. Josh crushes his mouth to mine, tangling his tongue with mine, kissing me deep while pinning me to the side of the seat. His hands slip off my face and trail down the sides of my body as the kiss deepens. I gasp, breaking the lip lock, as he pushes me back onto the seat. I slip down and find myself staring up at him, breathless, wanting more.
The mindless fuck, the sex for fun, the banging to forget everything would have been great with him. He seems to sense my thoughts and shakes his head. “That’s all I’m good for now.” Josh lifts himself off of me and holds out a hand to help me up. I place my palm in his, and he pulls me up.
My lips are still tingling, and I’m not ready to let him leave, but he’s walking away. Soon he’ll be down the stairs and in the wind. “Hey, wait.”
He shakes his head. “Nope, this isn’t real. I know what comes next, so don’t feel bad about it.”
My face scrunches up as I stare at him. “What are you talking about?”
“Google me. Everything is there in black and white. Please don’t take it out on Beth, okay. I’ll stay away from now on. You won’t have to ask me.” Josh is down the steps and on the street, his hands shoved in the pockets of his jeans, walking away like we’ll never speak again.
CHAPTER 4
I’m homeless and an emotional wreck, so I don’t Google him as soon as he leaves. I’m worried, but the only thing I know for certain is that I can’t lose Josh—not today. Ignorance is more emotionally stable.
“Back to the plan,” I say to myself and start the bus. I want to do this alone, without anyone else, but I can’t go anywhere looking like this. I need to borrow a shower. I have two options. Beg Beth for help or drive to a campsite and pay for a cold, panicked shower in a public restroom while hoping no random hobo decides he needs a pet college girl.
No contest.
I pull out my phone and text Beth.
Me: Hey, r u around?