After a little bit, Josh clears his throat and says, “I can kick his ass if you want.”
I smirk and shake my head. “It’s not a him. Well, not entirely.”
“So it’s, like, a hermaphrodite or what?”
That makes me laugh. “No, it’s my mom.”
I tell him what happened, leaving nothing out. I realize it’s like inviting an elephant into my tent, and once he’s in, there’s no getting him out—but I trust him. I don’t know why, but I do. When I finish my horrible story, I don’t look at him. I stay where I am, staring at the seatback. “I can’t undo any of this. I’m not the one who broke it. If it was just Matt, fine—couples break up—but add in Mom and I just can’t…” The word hangs in the air. I can’t accept it. I can’t deal with it. I can’t condone it. I can’t believe it. I just can’t—to all of it.
Josh shifts his weight under me, sits up, and looks at me. I mean really looks at me. When he speaks, my eyes drift and lock with his. “Then don’t. The ball is in their court. You said your piece. Leave it alone. Let it simmer and wait for the embers to die.”
“And then what? Take Mom back like nothing ever happened?”
“Life’s not that easy, Kerry, but anything worth having doesn’t come easy, does it?” His perfect hair is styled away from his face, and I notice a scar above his eyebrow—like there had been a piercing there at one time. His eyes dip to my lips before flicking back to lock with mine. He watches me carefully, moving slowly. My heart is hammering, and I feel trapped. I wanted a committed relationship when I met Matt. Now I don’t want a relationship at all. I need someone to hold me and fuck me hard—I had that with Nate, but he ran off again. Then there’s this ass of a man always there, openly wanting me from day one—and I keep blowing him off. He’s an arrogant asshole who’s just trying to get laid. He said that. I know that. At the same time, he’s the only person who’s been truthful with me from the beginning. That’s just my luck. The self-professing ass is the one I end up in a relationship with, spilling my guts.
Josh leans in, slowly, carefully, like I might spook and run off. Right before his lips are on mine, he stops, watching me from beneath lowered lashes. I feel his breath on my skin, and it’s hard not to touch him.
There’s one thing holding me in place, keeping me from moving forward. Beth. I can’t do this to her.
Josh seems to be fighting the same battle. He suddenly tips his head, making the possibility of a kiss non-existent, and laughs bitterly. “Why didn’t I meet you first?”
“If you had, I wouldn’t have spoken to you, never mind admitted I was attracted to you.”
He flashes a smile at me as he lifts his face. “Really? How attracted?”
“Enough to consider doing something I shouldn’t.”
His smile falls. He presses his eyes closed and sits back, slamming his head against the high-backed bus seat. “I promised her I wouldn’t, and I don’t break my promises.”
“I like that about you.” The words tumble out thoughtlessly. “You should lead with that instead of the lines you usually use.”
He’s not listening to me anymore. His gaze is unfocused and locked on the side of my face. He’s breathing ha
rd like he’s trying to control himself. My skin prickles and I resist the urge to lean into him.
“You like me,” he says, with the confidence of a middle schooler. He seems shocked, almost incredulous someone could genuinely like him. What’s that about?
“Yeah, I guess I do. I like that you always try and make me laugh. I know you piss me off to distract me from whatever’s bothering me. You use misdirection, slight of hand—but with words—to make me forget how messed up my life’s become. Your over the top actions make everything about you. I can’t thank you enough for that. You've walked into some painful conversations and caught me at my lowest lows. You didn’t judge. You didn’t try to fix it. You listened. It’s weird. You project this tough guy image like you want me to think you don’t care.”
“I don’t,” he says casually. “I only care about me.”
“Whatever.” I shake my head slightly, tucking a lock of hair behind my ear and spewing what I’m thinking. “Maybe you started out that way, or maybe it’s all an act, I don’t know, but it’s obvious you care about your family, and you’d kill someone before letting anything happen to Beth.”
“They’re family.”
“I’m not.”
He glances over at me, his gaze lingering, wistful. “No, you’re not.”
“Yet here you are, spending your weekend on a burnt-out school bus fighting off campus cops with ego issues.”
“Kerry, I’m not some white knight.” His tone is sharp, but I don’t think he means to be.
"I disagree." I don’t get it. “Why hide it?”
“Why hide what?” He bristles and I can tell I kicked the sleeping ogre in the nuts. “You don’t know me, so don’t act like you do. You have no idea what I’ve been through or why I do anything. You’re so frustratingly—” he growls and then jumps up and tries to pace the aisle, but the raccoon hisses at him.
Josh pauses, mid-rant, and stands with his back to me. I rise and pad over to where he stands, placing my hand on his shoulder. “You’re a good man. You can’t convince me you’re not.”