Her voice tailed off. She was right. He had known Helen. He’d known her well and respected her. She would never have deliberately lied. Even to be with her beloved Sawyer. Deep down he’d always known that.
But that threw all his beliefs out of the window.
No, that threw all his excuses out of the window.
Finally, he had to stop blaming Sawyer. He had to stop pushing the blame onto someone other than himself.
He slid down the wall and put his head in his hands.
“Evan?”
He could hear that Violet was confused. He could hear by the tone of her voice. The way it had quieted. The way her anger had quickly dissipated.
He felt her hand on his wrist. She was kneeling down next to him. “Evan, what is it? What’s wrong?”
Violet started babbling. Filling the air around about them. “No one knew, Evan. No one knew that Helen was pregnant. It was horrible. And I’m sure it must have destroyed you all. Knowing that if you’d been back home, chances are that Helen would have been fine. But it was one of those things you couldn’t have known. It was one of things that no one could have predicted.”
Her words cut him to the bone. She had no idea what she was saying to him. Her warm fingers were wrapped around his wrist. Her other hand was on the top of his knee. He had to tell her.
He couldn’t keep quiet anymore. The guilt was going to eat him alive.
But telling her would destroy any chance of them having a relationship. Any chance at all. How could she have a relationship with the man responsible for her sister-in-law’s death? The man who could have made a difference?
Things could be so different for Violet’s family. Sawyer would still have Helen. Violet wouldn’t have experienced an estranged relationship with her brother for the past six years. She wouldn’t have had sleepless nights and days fraught with worry.
All because of him. All because he should have paid attention. All because he should have uttered a few words, asked a simple question.
It could have made the whole world of difference.
If only he’d done it.
He raised his eyes to meet hers. This was the most painful thing he would ever have to do. “I knew.”
“What?”
This thing with her brother was never going to go away and she was getting tired of it. She was getting tired of pretending not to be relieved she finally knew where her brother was and what he was doing.
Her heart was singing for her brother right now. He’d finally met someone to put a little light into his life and she was very happy for him. What’s more, he’d met someone she liked and respected. She couldn’t have wished for anything more.
Except for Evan.
She’d finally moved on. She’d finally taken the step of having a relationship again. And for the most part, it was good. No, it was great.
Her stomach flipped every time she saw him, every time he looked at her. His smile made her think impure thoughts. His touch drove her wild.
And for the first time in a long time she felt good. Good about herself. Good about the world around her.
Hopeful.
Hopeful that there was still a life out there worth living.
It didn’t matter that this thing with Evan might not last. It didn’t matter that chances were they were using each other as a distraction while they were in Africa.
So, why this? Why now?
She just didn’t get it. She didn’t get the animosity he felt toward her brother. She didn’t get any of this.
Her skin prickled. The hairs on her arms stood upright. There was something about what he’d just said. The way he’d just said it.
“What do you mean, Evan? What do you mean, you knew? Knew what?”
She could feel herself instantly building a wall around herself. Her self-protection mechanism was kicking in. Telling her to run. Telling her this couldn’t be good.
His eyes were hidden under his heavy eyelids. Struggling to look at her.
She couldn’t breathe. She couldn’t swallow.
“About Helen.” His voice was so low, so husky. He struggled to get those two words out.
A horrible sensation went down her spine. She instantly pulled her hands back, drawing away from him. “You knew what about Helen?” The thoughts were starting to form in her brain. She was trying to rationalize what she’d heard. “You knew she was pregnant?” No. He couldn’t have. It wasn’t possible.
He shook his head.
“Evan. Look at me.” She couldn’t stand the way he couldn’t look her in the eye. This wasn’t the man she knew. Evan Hunter didn’t shy away from anything. So why couldn’t he lift his head from his hands to look at her?
The frustration was overwhelming her. She reached over and yanked at one of his hands. “Look at me!”
He raised his eyes. They were laden with regret and guilt. What had he done? Had there been some cover-up at the DPA? Was that why no one was talking?
She couldn’t bear the thought of that.
“Helen. She told me she wasn’t feeling one hundred percent.”
“What?”
He stopped to swallow. “While we were getting ready for the mission. I was packing up equipment and checking the inventory. She told she wasn’t feeling great.”
“And what?”
He shook his head. “That’s just it—and nothing. I wasn’t paying attention. I had too much on my mind. I didn’t think anything else about it.”
“Let me get this straight. A team member tells you they aren’t feeling great before you leave and you didn’t ask them anything else.”
The words were obviously sticking in his throat. He nodded. He ran his hand through his hair. One of Evan’s signs of frustration.
“What else did she say?”
“Nothing. She said nothing.” He squeezed his eyes shut. “But I should have asked her. I know I should have asked her. If I’d stopped for a second, if I’d thought about it. Helen never complained. It was unusual. I should have asked her to think about it. Why she was feeling unwell. What exactly was wrong.” He was wringing his hands together now.
Violet was running through things in her head. “What difference do you think that would have made? Helen didn’t know she was pregnant. She’d already reported as fit for duty. She hadn’t even told Sawyer she didn’t feel well.”
“Don’t you think I know that?” His voice carried across the compound. “She didn’t tell anyone! Anyone apart from me! And I did nothing!”
Violet flinched back as he shouted. This was turning into a living, breathing nightmare. He stood up and started pacing around, his feet kicking up the dust around them. She shook her head. Her brain was spinning. She couldn’t understand all this.
“What difference do you think you could have made, Evan?”
He stopped pacing. “What?” His head was shaking, ever so slightly.
“She mentioned, in passing, that she didn’t feel great. How could you, by asking her questions, have made a difference? I don’t get it.”
His face was becoming redder and redder by the second. In her heart she would have loved it if anything in the world could have made a difference to her sister-in-law’s outcome but the reality seemed very different.
He held up his hands in frustration. “I should have stopped. I should have paid attention. I should have asked her if there was any possibility she was pregnant!”
“Why would you ask her that? Why would you even think that?”
“Because if maybe I’d considered it a possibility, she might have considered it a possibility!”
The words hung in the air between them. There was so much on the line here. He was exposing everything about himself to her. He was exposing his failings. His failings as a team leader and
as a person. What man ever wanted to do that?
She tried to push her family loyalties aside but could feel herself torn. Was there even a shred of possibility that could be true? Would Helen really have stopped to think she might be pregnant if Evan had asked her a few more questions?
She needed to step back. She needed to step out of this situation. She needed time to think.
She lifted her head. It was hard to look at him right now. There was too much conflict here. The rational part of her brain came into play. “Did you ever stop to think that if you’d asked Helen if she could be pregnant, she might have thought you were being sexist? She wouldn’t have thanked you for asking that question, Evan. If you knew Helen as well as I did, you would know she might even have been angry with you.”