I didn’t want to trust just anyone with my heart. I wanted to give my heart to Bodie.
It was already his.
Right then, I knew I would do whatever it took to get him back. Even if it didn’t work and even if there was no way back to him, I had to try. I had to fight for him.
The sweet relief of decision knocked all the weight off my shoulders so I could breathe again, and that pilot light in my ribs fired up, igniting me with purpose. And as an idea came to me, I only hoped he would give me one last chance.
Bail
I dropped my hands into the ocean on either side of my board to wet them and ran them through my drying hair. Jude and I had been waiting on a decent wave for long enough that I was ready to call it.
I sighed and glanced down the line of surfers — all sitting on their boards off Rockaway Beach looking bored — then at the beach, dotted with sunbathers. It was my first session in New York, and if things had gone differently, Penny would have been one of those dots on the beach. She would have been my dot on the beach.
I imagined her letting me teach her how to surf, imagined her on a board laughing, and my mood sank even further.
“Ugh, man. Quit being so fucking mopey.”
“This sucks. Let’s just go.”
He rolled his eyes. “Quitter.”
“Bro, this is bullshit. We rode the subway for an hour to get here with boards and wetsuits, and it’s nothing but closeouts. I told you to check the fucking reports, man.”
“I did,” he said with a huff.
“Liar. Nobody’s getting a decent ride today. It’s not happening, so why the fuck are we still sitting here? I mean, I appreciate you trying to cheer me up and all, but the longer we sit here, the more pissed I am.”
“You’re just bitchy because of Penny.”
I narrowed my eyes at him.
He held up his hands. “Look, I’m not judging. I’m just saying.”
“I’m not calling her, dude,” I said for the hundredth time.
“I don’t see why not. We were busy before, but we did it. It’s over, so now you can figure out what you want to do about her. It couldn’t hurt to just talk to her.”
I rested a hand on my thigh and turned to him, making a face. “Seriously? Because if I talk to her and she says the right thing, I’ll be right back where I started.”
“Why’s that a bad thing?”
“Because I don’t know if I can trust her. Don’t you think I want to call her? Don’t you think I want to go right back to the way things were? Because I do. I want to so bad, I can’t even stand it. But the problem is that there is no going back, and I don’t know if Penny’s capable of going forward.”
“What if she is and you just don’t know it?”
I sighed and shook my head. “I dunno, man. I don’t know if I’m ready to put myself through that again. I’m scared of her. I care too much not to be scared. Maybe I just need a little more time. Space.”
“Yeah, because that’s going so well for you.”
He wasn’t wrong. I’d been reserved and in my own head ever since the concert, even worse since she’d come over with tacos.
I ran a hand over the smattering of stubble across my jaw. “I almost call her every day. I just don’t even know what to say or how to handle her. I don’t know what she wants from me or if I can even give it to her anymore. Because if she wants to pretend like we don’t care about each other, I’m out. I want her. I want her for keeps, and I’m through playing games.”
“Then you need to tell her.”
“Man, you don’t fucking get it. I can’t just tell her. I can’t guide her through this; she’s got to figure it out and let me know. If I tell her what I want, who’s to say she won’t agree without really understanding what I’m asking of her? I can be patient, but I can’t teach her this. I can’t tell her what to do or what she wants.”
“Don’t you think she deserves the chance? She’s waiting on you.”
“Yeah, well, she shouldn’t,” I said, my throat tight as I lay on my belly and paddled away, angling for a wave that wouldn’t last more than six feet, but I didn’t care. I didn’t want to talk. I didn’t want to participate. I just wanted it all to go away.
I popped up onto my feet and rode the wave until it folded in on itself. When the barrel disappeared, I bailed, diving off my board and into the ocean, opening my eyes underwater to watch the wave roll away from me upside down, taking my hope with it.