She pulled open the door, and the smell of tortilla chips and greasy meat hit me like a wall of savory deliverance. I wanted to be with Bodie. I wanted to beg and grovel and get him back. And this was my last chance to do it.
“Okay,” I said, standing up a little straighter. “I’ll do it.”
Ramona smiled, big and genuine and relieved. “When?”
And I sighed against the mounting pressure in my chest. “No time like the present. I’ve got a few hours — I’ll swing by now. And maybe I’ll bring tacos as a peace offering. He can’t be mad at me if I’m holding tacos. It’s a physical law of the universe.”
Veronica laughed, and I only wished tacos were a guarantee.
The game glitched. Again.
I huffed and raked a hand through my hair, opening the code to comb through it. Again.
I’d done nothing for three days but work, sleep, and eat. My phone had stayed in my nightstand where I left it, and though I was fully occupied with the game, a little piece of my mind was always on Penny.
I was grateful for the distraction work provided.
Sorting through how I felt was too hard.
Numbers were simple. They didn’t play games or lie — it was fact. You couldn’t argue with math. It was unfeeling and logical and right.
It was a shame hearts didn’t work the same way. They were the exact opposite of facts and reason. Hearts wanted what they wanted, regardless of the truth. And mine wanted Penny.
The sensible part of me — my brain — told me to just let it go. For the most part, I had. And the truth was, even though I wanted Penny, I didn’t know if I wanted to be with her. Not at the status quo.
And that left me straddling the fence of her corral with no idea which way to go.
In any event, I had no time to expend on the decision. And that lack of time was a blessing, a bridge to put space between us that I desperately needed. So instead of thinking of the fight or how I missed her or how she’d hurt me, I filled my brain with ones and zeroes, a buzzing hum of logic that comforted me.
Well, not at the moment. At the moment, I was wrestling with the same string of code I’d been fighting since I woke up.
A knock rapped at the door, and when Jude answered and I heard the voice on the other side of the threshold, I spun around in my chair, stood numbly, and walked toward the sound.
The first and last person I’d expected to find on my welcome mat that day was Penny.
She stood in the hallway, sneakers turned in, shoulders rounded, red bottom lip between her teeth and eyes uncertain. She looked beautiful, sweet and beautiful and dangerous, with a bag stamped with the name Taco Town clutched in her hands.
Jude and I exchanged places at the door, and rather than moving to let her in, I stepped out and closed the door, leaving us alone in the hallway.
Somehow, she shrank into herself even more.
“Hey,” she said simply.
“Hey,” I echoed.
And then we stood there in the hallway with a thousand words hanging in the air.
She broke the silence. “I brought you some tacos.”
Penny held out the bag, and I took it, opening it to look inside, not knowing what else to do. Five minutes ago, I’d been starving. Now I didn’t know if I’d ever eat again.
“Thanks.” I rolled the bag back up. “What’s up?”
Her eyes were down, and she slipped her hands into her back pockets. “I … I’m sorry to just show up like this, but I hadn’t heard from you, and …” She took a deep breath and met my eyes. “I’m sorry, Bodie. For everything. For bailing on you. For taking you to that stupid show. For hurting you. I’m … I’m sorry, and I was wrong.”
I pulled in a deep breath through my nose and let it go. “Thank you.”
Everything else I wanted to say piled up in my throat.
“I didn’t want to go to the show, and I tried to argue, but I … I just wanted to see you so badly, and I didn’t want to upset you any worse than I already had, not until I had a chance to talk to you.” She took a breath and looked down again. “I know I don’t deserve you, and I don’t deserve another shot, but I need to know if I have one. Is there a way to go back? To fix things?”
I ran my fingers across my lips and tried to put the words together the right way. “Penny, I’ve gotta be honest. Right now, I am just … I’m so done. You’re right; you hurt me, but I can’t even blame you. But this isn’t about the other night. This is about us. I can’t keep up with you like I thought I’d be able to. You were always honest — you told me from the jump what you wanted, but I didn’t listen. I thought … I thought I could tame you, convince you I was worth keeping. But I didn’t think about what it would cost me. Play with fire and get burned, right? And, Pen — you are fire.”