“Are you okay, baby?” she asked.
I wanted to say things to her. But I didn’t know how to get them from my head, how to speak them. So, I nodded and inhaled in her scent. Maddie leaned in as close as she could. Her stomach almost touched mine. My hands curled into fists. I wanted to touch it. I wanted to touch where our baby grew… but I couldn’t. Not yet.
We had been driving for a while, when Ash suddenly shouted, “AK. Stop!” AK quickly pulled to the side of the road. Ash was looking out of the window.
“What is it, kid? You okay?” Ash reached for the door handle and yanked it open.
“Flame,” Ash said. I moved to the door. He was looking at a house. I didn’t know whose house it was. But then I saw the trees. I saw the road. My fucking chest wanted to rip in two. “They’ve built a new house over ours,” Ash said. It was our house. My blood turned fucking cold as I thought of the underground cellar.
This house wasn’t like ours. This was white. It had a porch. It was nice, not the shithole we had lived in. Suddenly, the door opened and two kids ran out. I fucking held my breath when they ran into the yard. They were laughing… the kids were laughing. I couldn’t take my fucking eyes off them. No one ever laughed in our house—no one but my Poppa. The girl ran to a tire swing hanging from the lower branch of a tree.
Ash sucked in a breath. “That’s where I found my mama,” he said, pointing to the tree the tire swing was on.
“Asher,” Maddie whispered, and put her arm around my kid brother.
“That’s where she died, Madds. That’s where she hanged herself… where I found her, dead.” Ash lowered his head and ran his hand across his face. “Where that kid is, laughing… it’s where my mama died.”
The door of the house opened again. A woman ran out. She had short blond hair. She ran to the kids. They ran away, laughing again. I didn’t recognize what I was seeing. “Why are they laughing if she’s chasing them?” I asked Maddie.
Maddie looked at the house too. “Because they’re happy,” she said. “That’s how families should be. Happy. Free. They are playing.”
I didn’t understand how people could behave like that. I never had it. I kept watching them, wondering if they had kept Poppa’s cellar. Wondering if their mama locked them in their rooms, with no clothes or bed.
“See how she loves them, Flame. See how she loves her children.” Maddie said, and laid her head on my shoulder. I pulled her close. My stomach felt fucking weird watching them. My chest felt warm. I couldn’t tell whether or not it was the flames. It didn’t feel like them. “That’s how it will be for us.” I looked down at Maddie, at her bump. She rubbed her hand over her stomach. “When we have our child, we will be happy. We will love our baby and keep it safe.”
“We will?” I rasped.
“We will.” Maddie said, as she smiled at me and fucking stole my heart.
“It’s good,” Ash said. “It’s good that they built this on the land. It’s good that a nice family lives there now.” He nodded. “It’s good that you burned our house down, Flame. Poppa is dead, he’s fucking history, burning in hell with Pastor Hughes.” Ash sat back in his seat, keeping his eyes straight forward. “Let’s get the fuck outta here. I never ever wanna come back to this place.” Ash pushed the van door shut, taking the house away. I sat back down, and Maddie sat beside me.
“You okay?” I nodded. But I couldn’t stop thinking about the white house, the laughing kids or the mama who played with them. Maddie gasped, and then smiled up at me. “Our baby is stirring,” she said. “Our baby moved.” Her green eyes lit the fuck up. She looked perfect. “I will never get used to the feeling.” She laughed and it felt good to fucking hear. “It is a million blessings. To feel our baby move or kick… it brings me pure happiness.”
Maddie laid her head against my shoulder. Her hand stayed over her stomach. I never took my gaze from it. I watched her hand for hours, until we stopped at a motel. Even as we ate at a diner, my eyes kept coming back to her stomach. Inside was our baby. Our baby, who Maddie said I wouldn’t hurt.
When we walked into our motel room, I showered. When I came back, Maddie was standing beside the bed. “Better?” she asked. I didn’t answer her question. My blood fucking raced through my veins. The flames were there. But I let them burn. They couldn’t hurt me. Maddie had said so. “Flame?” she asked. I walked to where she stood. Water from my hair dripped into my eyes. It was still wet from the shower. Maddie’s hand came to my face. She pressed her palm against my cheek. Leaning down I kissed her. Our lips touched. You won’t hurt her, I told myself in my head. When I stepped back, I pushed the straps of her dress off her shoulders. Maddie gasped. “Flame,” she whispered. The dress fell to her waist. I moved the straps of her bra down her arms. Maddie unclasped it. I sighed when I saw her. Grasping the dress, I pulled it over her legs. I kneeled down. Throwing the dress to the side, I looked up at Maddie. She was smiling down at me. Fucking smiling. I pulled down her panties, then put my hands on her hips. Maddie held her breath. I looked at her stomach. I couldn’t look before. “Flame, you do not have to…” Maddie trailed off.
My heart fucking pounded as I moved my hands to her stomach. The flames in my blood got higher and higher, but I ignored them and pressed my palms to her stomach… and I left them there. Maddie made a soft noise. I opened my eyes to meet her eyes. She was crying. She was crying… I snapped my hands back. I’d hurt her. She’d been wrong. I fucking hurt her! “No,” Maddie said. Her voice was strained from crying. “No, baby, I am not hurt.” She took hold of my hands and pressed them back on her stomach. “It feels good.” Maddie’s tears fell down her cheeks. “It feels perfect. You, holding our child… is perfect.”
“I’m not hurting it?” I said. Maddie smiled and shook her head. Then she gasped. I felt something move under my palms. I tried to move my hands straight away, but Maddie held them on her stomach. “Our baby has moved.” Maddie laughed. “Flame, our baby has woken up to say hello.” She combed her fingers through my hair. “Our baby has woken to say hello to their papa.” Maddie sniffed back her tears. “Our baby has been waiting a long time for this, Flame. But it was worth the wait. You are always worth the wait.”
My eyes burned and my throat ached. They were strange feelings to me. I kept my hands on Maddie’s stomach. The baby kept moving. I never wanted it to stop. When the movement stopped, my flames flared. “It is okay,” Maddie said, before I could speak. “Baby Cade has just gone back to sleep.”
I looked into Maddie’s eyes. “But the baby is okay?”
“Yes, baby,” Maddie said. “I promise.”
The flames in my blood cooled. I ran my hand over Maddie’s stomach, and then I leaned in. I leaned in and kissed the soft skin. Maddie began to cry. I got to my feet and placed my hands on Maddie’s cheeks. “Why are you crying? Are you sad, Maddie?”
“No,” Maddie said and held onto my wrists. “I am happy, Flame. I am so happy.” She dropped her forehead to mine. “I am so proud of you. I am so blessed to have you as my husband. You are the strongest person I have ever known. You are a fighter. You are my heart.”
“I fight for you,” I said and kissed her lips. My hand moved to her stomach. “I want to fight for our baby too.”
“Make love to me,” Maddie whispered, and moved the towel from my waist. She walked us to the bed and we lay down. I crawled over my wife and kissed her. The flames stirred in my veins, but I let them burn. Maddie had already said if I burned, then we would burn together. But the flames didn’t seem to touch her. I kissed her lips. I kissed her neck and her breasts. Maddie’s hands combed through my hair. I kissed her stomach. I kissed our baby, who was sleeping. When I crawled back up the bed, I said, “I love you.”
“I love you too, baby.” Maddie pulled me on top of her. I pushed inside her. My neck strained as Maddie moaned, her arms wrapping around my back. She pulled me closer. I groaned as I filled her. I kissed my wife. I kissed her and started to mov
e back and forth. I locked my stare on Maddie’s eyes and never looked away. She was my everything. I couldn’t live without her. She saved me. She always saved me. She saved me from the evil, from darkness. She saved me from being alone.
“Flame,” she whispered. Her cheeks flushed red, she breathed heavier. I moved faster and faster. The flames built in my blood, hotter and hotter. Blood rushed faster and faster through my veins, until I felt fire ignite. I kept looking into Maddie’s eyes.
“The fire,” I whispered, panicking.
“It will not burn you,” she said confidently. “It will not harm us. It is not evil. You are not evil. You are goodness and light.” Maddie smiled. “And you are mine.”
“Mine,” I repeated pushing harder, and harder. My legs fucking burned. “Mine.”
Maddie’s lips parted and she moaned loudly. “Flame.”
I came. I tucked my head into the side of Maddie’s neck and came. Maddie’s hands were on my back. Her fingers ran up and down, up and down. When I lifted my head, Maddie smiled at me. “Are you okay?”
I thought of the river, of Isaiah. “Do you really believe that God saved him? That he is in Heaven?”
“Yes,” Maddie said, and I rolled to the side. Maddie shared my pillow. I kept my hands on her waist. “There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens; a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance…”
“What’s that?” I asked, a lump in my throat.
“Ecclesiastes Chapter Three: Verses One to Four.” Maddie kissed my lips. Her finger smoothed my brow. “It is time for you to heal, Flame. It is time for you to laugh, no more mourning. Think of Isaiah with love in your heart, and happiness in your soul. He is in a safe place, far away from darkness.” Maddie traced the flame tattoo on my chest. I hissed at the feeling. “He is in the light, Flame. It is time for you to step out of the darkness too.”