I cleared my throat and stared down at the river. A small wooden bridge was situated beside us. “I did not know you, Isaiah,” I started. Asher and Flame tensed. “I wish I had known you.” I smiled, imagining a baby with dark hair and dark eyes just like the two Cade brothers who towered over me. “I imagine you would have grown up to be tall and strong, like Asher and Flame.” I felt a teardrop from Asher hit the back of my hand. Flame remained unmoving. I prayed my words were soothing his jagged soul. The flow of the river spurred me to continue.
“You were a blessing. Every baby is.” Flame choked on a cry. I wanted nothing more than to hold him. But I had to hold Asher too. “You were loved, little one. You were loved so much by your mother, and by your brother… Josiah.” As I said his name, Flame stepped away. He tried to edge back from the river, but I held on, keeping him close. “You were pure and good. You deserved much more from life than you received.” The gentle breeze wrapped through my hair. I could not help but picture our baby in a young Flame’s arms, crying for help, its little breaths limited when that help never came. As that image hit me, the sheer severity of Flame’s trauma revealed itself to my already bruised heart. To witness such a tragedy, to have to endure it when you did not understand the world, was surely the worst. I wanted to wrap Flame in a warm embrace and never let him go, to ensure no one in this messed up world could ever get to him, to ensure he will never feel a lesser being again.
I had to finish this, I had to see it through.
“But God wanted you to come home,” I continued. “Your mama needed you back in her arms.” I felt our baby move and my face crumpled with sadness for the boy who never got to live, who never got to know Flame or Asher, who did not get to feel their fraternal love. “God took you from an evil man who would harm you.”
Flame was panting, struggling to keep calm. When I turned to Asher, his cheeks were coated in tears. His eyes were red from the intensity of his crying. But he stood stoic and strong. Both of my Cade brothers did. They had no idea how proud of them I was, or how truly miraculous they were.
“He removed you from an evil that he could not let you endure, and He placed you in His safety, and in the arms of your loving mama.” I sniffed back my tears. “But in doing so you, Isaiah, you never said goodbye to the big brother who always tried to keep you safe. Who held you, comforted you, and loved you, up until you breathed your last breath, passing from this cruel world into one of peace and light and love.” I paused, to recover my voice. “A big brother who believed he had hurt you in some way, a big brother who punished himself for it, every day. This, when all he did was try—try to love you for who you were and to pray you would never leave him.”
In my peripheral vision I saw Flame drop his head. As I looked up to him, his eyes were closed. But from the corners, tears fell. It was my undoing. Turning into Flame’s arm, I raised his hand, now clasped in mine, and kissed it. “Today we have come to say goodbye, Isaiah. To tell you that you were so loved, and you have been missed. You are missed every single day.” The sun began to set, rays flickering off the mirror-like surface of the river, casting a light that resembled the sparkle of diamonds. “I did not have the best start in life,” I admitted. Flame stilled. Looking up at my husband, I waited until he looked at me.
“Like you, Isaiah, Josiah saved me. He took me from a life of servitude and constant pain into a life so rich with happiness, I still barely believe it is real.” I made sure to hold Flame’s gaze. “He loves so purely, so deeply, and so true. And I know he loved you in the same way.” I squeezed Asher’s hand. “In the same way he loves all his brothers.” I smiled, though my lips were trembling. “Flame will cherish his child in the same way. He will never hurt her or him, just as he never hurt you.” I closed my eyes. “The purest souls may not be granted a long life.” I recalled scripture from my days in The Order. “The righteous perish, and yet no one takes it to heart; the devout are taken away, and no one understands that the righteous are taken away to be spared from evil. Those who walk uprightly enter into peace; they find rest as they lie in death.”
The warm breeze wrapped itself around us like a mother’s embrace. “You were spared from evil, Isaiah. You were spared from a man who would seek to do you harm. In death, you received protection… you were granted peace. You left this world cradled in the arms of the person who loved you most.” My voice lost strength as I added, “I can think of no better way to pass.” Taking a deep breath, trying to hold on for just a few moments longer, I said, “Goodbye Isaiah Cade. We love you. You will always be in our hearts. Watch over us from Heaven. One day, when it is our time, we shall see you again.”
Bringing Asher and Flame’s hands to my eyes, I cried. I cried for the innocent baby who never lived. I cried for the brothers beside me who had yet to find peace. “We shall all see you again, we shall see your mama and Asher’s mama… and we shall all love in peace.”
Please… I found myself praying, hands still clasped in Asher’s and Flame’s. Help them both heal. Help Flame to be free from the burden that bleeds joy from his soul. Enable Asher to understand that he is wanted and loved. Please bestow peace on my Cade boys. Allow them to feel love… allow them to finally feel free.
Chapter Twelve
Flame
I couldn’t stand it. I couldn’t fucking stand it! Maddie… my Maddie was crying. Asher was fucking crying. I felt water on my cheeks. Was I fuckin crying too? My chest felt like it was caving in, claws fucking pulling in my gut, trying to tear it apart. Maddie’s words started circling my head. You were spared from evil, Isaiah. You were spared from a man who would seek to do you harm. In death, you received protection… you were granted peace. You left this world cradled in the arms of the person who loved you most… You never said goodbye to the big brother who always tried to keep you safe. Who held you, comforted you and loved you, up until your last breath, passing from this cruel world into one of peace and light and love… A big brother who believed he had hurt you in some way, a big brother who punished himself for it, every day. This, when all he did was try—try to love you for who you were and to pray you would never leave him…
Maddie said I didn’t harm him. Maddie said that God took Isaiah away from me, because Poppa would keep on hurting him. Isaiah was taken away from me to be with mama. So that she could love him. So that Poppa wouldn’t abuse him, like he had me and Asher. I looked to Asher. He was still crying. His head was fucking bent to hide the fact that he was crying. Because Poppa hurt him too. Poppa hurt Asher… like he hurt me. Like he would’ve hurt Isaiah when he got older. My heart beat too fast. I pulled my hand back from Maddie.
“Flame?”
My feet had to move. I had to move. I paced. I looked out over the river. Isaiah had been out in there. I pushed my hands into my eyes. Isaiah had been crying before he’d died. His crying hurt my ears. He didn’t stop. He never stopped crying because he was in pain. Maddie’s words came back to me. You were spared from a man who would seek to do you harm. In death, you received protection… you were granted peace…
Poppa said that I’d killed Isaiah, that my flames had killed him. My demons had taken him from me. Maddie said something different—God took Isaiah so Poppa couldn’t do to Isaiah what had been done to me. Poppa left us alone. He left us both in the cellar. We were hungry, we were thirsty, but Poppa never came back. Isaiah’s breathing changed, but I couldn’t touch him. I told Isaiah I couldn’t touch him. I can’t touch you… I’ll hurt you…
I stared down at my hands. I’d picked him up. I’d picked him up and cradled him, like Mama did. I stopped walking and just looked at my palms. My vision went burry. I could see Isaiah in my arms. He was breathing badly. His skin was red. He was hot. His eyes were funny, glazed over. I rocked my body back and forth like Mama used to do… “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star…” I heard a gasp and I lifted my head. Maddie was watching me. She was still crying. My hands were still up in the air. I could still see Isaiah in my arms. “How
I wonder what you are…” I kept singing. My throat hurt. I thought I was hurting Isaiah. But Maddie said I didn’t, that the flames in my blood weren’t evil. They were bursts of light. They existed to lead me from the darkness—away from my Poppa. Maddie said God had put them there, not because I was evil, but to chase away evil, to chase away Poppa and Pastor Hughes, and the snakes they put on my skin. Maddie said Poppa was a wicked and cruel man.
“He hurt me,” I told Isaiah.
“Baby,” Maddie whispered.
I looked down at Isaiah, who was still cradled in my arms. “He hurt me. He always hurt me. He pushed inside me. He made me cry. He brought snakes to me. He made me release the flames.” I looked at the scars on my arms under Isaiah’s little body. Maddie said the flames didn’t have to be released anymore. That I would feel better with them inside. If I let them, they would scare all the badness away. They were flames of good, not bad. Like Moses. Like Moses and the burning bush. My mama used to tell me about that story. Maybe she knew too? Maybe she knew the flames weren’t bad.
I remembered my mama’s voice. “Moses saw that though the bush was on fire, it did not burn up.” The sound of mama’s voice in my head made me feel better. She always made me feel better. I looked down at Isaiah. “I thought I had killed her,” I confessed, thinking of when I held her hand. “She died. I thought I had taken her away from us.” I felt the flames in my blood, bubbling under my skin. My jaw clenched. But I let the flames burn. I let them burn. I breathed and I waited for the pain to come. Maddie said I didn’t have to release them…
… it did not burn up…
I gasped and dropped to my knees. The flames. I felt them. They were rushing through my veins. “They’re not evil. The flames are good.” I studied the veins in my arms. They burned, but they didn’t hurt. I breathed easier. They didn’t hurt. The flames carried away the evil from Poppa. God took you away, so you were spared from poppa’s evil. You were spared from a man who would seek to do you harm. In death, you received protection… you were granted peace…
My body felt weak. My arms ached. My legs throbbed. Isaiah was looking up at me. “I’m sorry,” I rasped. A teardrop fell on his chest. “I’m sorry,” I repeated. Isaiah began to disappear. “Goodbye…” I whispered. My chest felt too tight. I saw my Poppa’s face in my mind. He hurt me. He hurt Isaiah. He hurt Asher... He even hurt Maddie. “Goodbye,” I repeated, and Isaiah completely vanished. My body shook. It vibrated with fucking rage. Hot anger filled all my muscles.
Throwing back my head, I screamed. I fucking screamed and sank my hands into the soil. Poppa did this. Poppa fucking hurt us all. Isaiah left us, because Poppa was bad. I was fucked up, because Poppa was bad. Ash… my head snapped to the side. He was watching me. He was fucked up too. Then all the rage left me with one single look at Maddie. One hand was over her mouth… and the other was over her stomach. Her baby—our baby… like Isaiah. I turned my head to look at the river. Isaiah was put in there. Poppa and the pastor scattered his ashes into the water.
I pushed to my feet and walked to the edge of the water. Isaiah was out there somewhere. God received Isaiah’s soul, but his body was in this water. “Isaiah,” I whispered then walked into the edge of the water. I dropped to my knees. I pushed my hands into the water, then into the mud beneath. “Goodbye,” I whispered. I cupped the water in my hands and poured it over my face and head. “In death, you received protection… you were granted peace…”
Isaiah would no longer be red hot and in agony. He was happy with mama. He wouldn’t be crying, he’d be laughing. His breathing would be normal, and he’d be with mama. She would be happy too. There would be no blood on her wrists. I poured the water over my head and face and arms. She would be at peace too. Isaiah and mama would be granted peace. They would receive rest.
Suddenly, I saw someone next to me. Ash dropped to his knees beside me. He stared out at the water. “Goodbye, Isaiah,” he said and, cupping the water, poured it over his face and head. “Bye, Mama,” he hushed out and his facial expression changed. Ash’s hands pushed into the riverbed and his back started shaking. He was crying. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what the fuck to do! I looked for Maddie. She was watching us from the riverbank. Ruth had her arm around Maddie’s shoulders. Maddie was crying too. I squeezed my eyes shut. Lifting my arm, I looked at my veins. What if your Poppa and the church were both wrong? What if the flames were not devil-cursed, but instead were beacons of good awarded to you by God… Maddie said the flames weren’t bad. Maddie never lied to me. What if the flames are keeping back the darkness? What if they are not to be extinguished, but fueled?
I felt the flames, but they didn’t burn. Ash cried harder. “Bye, mama. Bye, Isaiah.” He choked on his words. The flames didn’t hurt Isaiah. Maddie has always said my touch didn’t kill Isaiah. Then, right now, they wouldn’t hurt Ash. It would hold back the darkness. Swallowing, I placed my hand on Ash’s back. I wanted to pull it off. I wanted to tear it away. But I kept it there. Ash froze. He looked up at me. He wiped his tears away and sat back. I kept my hand on his back. I didn’t know when to take it away, so I just left it there.
“I didn’t mean it,” Ash said. The river was slow. I kept my eyes on the ripples. “You’re nothing like Poppa,” he stated. I froze, and something in my chest lifted. A heavy weight I’d there seemed to disappear. Asher wiped his eyes, then he leaned into my hand on his back. “You’ll be a fucking good father, Flame.” I felt my heart beat faster and faster, pushing the flames harder and harder through my blood… it did not burn up… “I didn’t mean what I said. You’ll be really fucking good papa.” Ash’s face went red. I no longer felt his eyes on me. “You’ve been a fucking good dad to me, Flame. Since you took me from Poppa… you’ve…” He sniffed. “You’ve been more of a Poppa to me than he ever was.” I didn’t know how to respond. I didn’t know what the fuck to say.
Ash spoke again. “I’m just fucked up.” Ash hit his head with the heel of his hand. “In here. I’m all fucked up.” A sob left his throat. Ash leaned to the side, and his head hit my chest. His arms wrapped around my waist. He fucking cried against my chest. I clenched my eyes shut. I almost pushed him off. But I saw Maddie on the riverbank. She nodded at me. Pushing past the lump in my throat, I put both my hands around him. “I’m sorry, Flame. I’m so fucking sorry.” I breathed through the heat of the flames. I kept my eyes on Maddie. I saw her bump, our baby… our baby.
I didn’t know how long Ash cried for. Eventually, he pulled back and wiped his cheeks. Maddie told me last night that Ash didn’t think I wanted him as a brother as much as I did Isaiah. She told me I should tell him he was wrong. “I want you as a brother,” I said. Asher looked right at me. I dropped my eyes to stare at the water, running my fingers through the stream. “I didn’t love Isaiah more. I want you as my brother too.”
Ash exhaled. “I’m glad you’re my brother too,” he said eventually. I nodded and climbed out of the river. My clothes were wet, but I didn’t fucking care. The weather was warm. The water wasn’t cold. I wouldn’t have cared if it was.
I walked up the riverbank. My legs were weak. But I breathed easier now. I could fucking breathe. Maddie came forward. She was wearing a purple dress. I could see her stomach under the material. The dress clung to her bump. I hadn’t noticed what she was wearing before. Her long black hair hung down her back. Her face was red from crying, so were her eyes. “Flame,” she called and came toward me. She held out her hand. I took hold of her outstretched hand and pulled her into my chest. Maddie made a sound that sounded like a sob. I quickly looked down. I didn’t understand what it meant, if she was hurting.
“It has been so long since you held me this way,” she said, “With your arms around me, holding me close.” I thought of her in the hospital, of her unconscious in the fire. I shut my eyes, trying to push those fucking images from my head. “Flame?” Maddie’s voice brought me back right now. She always brought me back. I opened my eyes and l
ooked at my wife. She smiled, which knocked the fucking air right out of my lungs. “I love you,” she whispered.
“I love you too.” My eyes lowered to stare at her bump. Our baby, our baby was in there. Like Isaiah, Maddie would want me to hold our baby, like I did with Isaiah. You did not hurt him, Maddie’s voice repeated in my head.
I did not hurt him. I did not hurt him.
“Asher.” Maddie let go of my waist and hugged Asher. He hugged her back. “I am so happy you came.”
“So am I,” Ash admitted, meeting my eyes.
I turned to see AK and Viking approach. “You okay brother?” AK asked. I nodded.
“Shit!” Viking said, whistling low. “You back? We got our Flame back?”
“I don’t know what you mean,” I said, confused.
Viking smiled and rubbed his hands. “There he is. There he fucking is!” I still didn’t understand what Viking was saying—I often didn’t. Maddie took hold of my hand. “A motherfucking phoenix from the ashes,” Viking said, shaking his head. Viking looked at Rider’s mama. I didn’t know why she was here. I didn’t remember her being here on the journey. “See that Ruth! I can be all poetical and shit.”
“Yeah, a real motherfucking Wordsworth,” AK said.
“Who’s that?” Viking asked. AK grabbed hold of Viking’s arm and walked him back to the van. I was tired as we followed. Ash walked behind us. Maddie climbed in the van. So did Ruth and Ash. But I looked back at the river one last time.
“Rest well, Isaiah,” I whispered, and then climbed into the van beside Maddie. I pulled her to my side and wrapped my arm around her shoulders. I needed her close. I needed her more than fucking ever. I stared down at her face when the van pulled out onto the road. She was fucking beautiful.