I squeezed my eyes closed, feeling my throat choke on guilt and fucking regret. I would do it for him. I had to. It was the right thing to do. I needed to kill, blood for blood, for the life of my best friend. Reaching into my jacket, I took hold of my gun. It felt heavy in my hand. It always felt fucking heavy, like I wasn’t meant to have it in my hands.
I knew they weren’t real, these men. I knew Slash wasn’t there. Ghosts weren’t fucking real. Yet they never left me. Every time I closed my eyes they were there. They were there to remind me of a stark truth—Slash’s death should have been mine. The fucking Reaper on my back was guiding my shooting hand, making sure I paid the penance for my friend dying in my place.
“Kill,” Slash ordered, his voice hard in its command. His was voice was deeper now than when he was alive. Now, it was laced with venom. His bloodied hand pressed on my shoulder, burning through my clothes and scalding my skin underneath. Slash’s hand took hold of my elbow and lifted my gun. He helped me aim it at the first body I saw. Placing my finger on the trigger, I fired. The shot raced out into the quiet and still forest, echoing like thunder among the leaves. Sleeping birds and flying bats scattered, taking to the night sky like rockets. I kept firing. One by one the ghosts dropped to the ground, shot down for now. But they wouldn’t stay there. They’d come back. They always fucking came back.
I took down line after line of bloodied and dead-eyed men, until the last one had fallen just an inch from my feet. As he hit the ground, disappearing into the high grass and weeds that surrounded me, I felt Slash’s hand fall away. He’d be back though, haunting my fucking dreams, ordering me to make shit right in his name.
I didn’t know how to make anything right.
A noise from my left made me roll my head to that side. I was fucking tired, but I never slept. They all came back when I slept. What was I thinking? Awake or asleep, they were always there, building in numbers every week. They were a motherfucking army commanded by my guilt.
The sound of safeties being pulled thundered around me. “Fuck me, Ash!” I narrowed my eyes trying to work out who had spoken. I recognized the voice, but my slow and whiskey-fucked brain couldn’t think fast enough to remember. Three blurry figures came into view. AK was at the front. He always was, the famed sniper ready to rid the Hangmen of their enemies. But he hadn’t killed Diego, and Diego had killed Slash. It was dark and my eyesight was shit, but I knew Viking and Flame were behind him. The three of them were always together.
“Jacking off in the woods, mini Flame?” Viking said. When his face appeared from the darkness, he was smirking. Fucker was always smirking. AK dropped down beside me and yanked the gun from my hand.
“Give me that the fuck back!” I spat, and drunkenly fell on my side as I tried to grab it back.
“Fucked again, Ash?” AK asked tiredly and ran his hand down his face. “You get that some fuckers are messing with us, right? That we’re all keeping watch in case they’re more than pissants testing their luck against us?” I pushed myself into a sitting position and looked out into the trees. I wanted to tell AK and my brother about the men I’d shot in the grass, that Slash was somewhere close, fucking with my brain, but my mouth wouldn’t work. The darkness that was growing inside me smothered my lungs and brain like a fungus, fucking taking control of everything I was. It wasn’t letting go of me. It had me shackled, sinking its talons into my chest, poisoning me with uncontrollable rage.
“The bitches are losing their shit back in the cabins. Saffie is hiding in her room. She wasn’t great after coming home from school, and now she’s hunkered up under her desk believing people are coming for her.” My stomach coiled. She was the one person I never wanted to scare. The darkness began to dig into my bones, infecting the marrow. Everything inside me was becoming tinged with blackness. But I hung on to her face in my mind’s eye. I hung on to her with everything I had.
AK kneeled down beside me. He put his hand on my shoulder where Slash’s hand had recently been. “Listen, kid, I know you’re in a bad place. Fucking talk to me, let me help—” I shrugged off his hand. That was where Slash put his. Where the damn darkness touched me, placing its heavy hand on me, weighing me the fuck down. AK was better than that. I didn’t want him to catch the darkness. I wanted him to understand that, but I couldn’t find the words, couldn’t form the sentences on my tongue. When I met his eyes, I tried to appeal for his help. Instead, I saw him give up. I saw the tired look he gave me. Like he was fucking done.
Getting to his feet, he turned to Flame and Viking. “I’ll tell Madds and Phebe it was just Ash fucking around.” He nodded to Vike. “You tell Styx it was a false alarm and to hold back the fucking troops.” AK glanced at me over his shoulder. “Leave the kid out of it. No need to make the prez even more pissed at him. I’ll try and reason with Ash when he’s sobered up.”
AK and Vike walked away, into the forest. I stared out over the trees again, waiting for the ghosts to rise. I momentarily closed my eyes, resting my head against the trunk. I heard someone moving beside me. When I opened my eyes, Flame was standing over me, gaze fixed on the trunk above my head, not my eyes. Never my eyes. No, I wasn’t worthy of that yet. “You made Maddie scared,” he said, his voice lacking any kind of tone, as always. I didn’t say shit. What was the point? Flame was as fucking lost as I was. He was just doing what AK probably told him to do. Scold me. Fucking lecture me back into line.
“She’s having a baby. She’s not allowed to get scared or stressed.” Flame pushed his hands through his hair. Even fucked off my face I could see his nostrils flaring and his neck cording. He was falling toward hell, and quick. Snapping his head to me, he demanded, “You need to stop. Just fucking stop. She can’t die. I can’t let her die. This shit will make her sick.”
I knew I should’ve felt sorry for him. I knew how he was. I fucking saw him falling into a shit pit, digging his nails into his arms any chance he got. But I was already there. And I couldn’t find the energy to give a fuck.
“Great talk, Flame. Real inspiring,” I said sarcastically and as always, I saw no expression on his face in response. I knew he didn’t get sarcasm, that he took almost everything literally. Flame stopped dead, tipping his head to the side, trying to understand my response. His black eyes looked demonic in the moonlight. I had the same eyes. I wondered if mine looked that way too.
“Just fucking stop,” he hissed and fisted his hands at his sides. “Stop the fucking drinking. Go to school. Stop making Maddie sad.” I couldn’t take my eyes off his fists. “Stop making her stressed.”
He was fucking me off. His words were making me pissed. Pushing to my feet, the bark from the tree behind scraping my back, I lumbered over to my brother. Pointing to his fists, I said, “Looking just like someone we both knew, brother.” I spoke the words harshly. Flame frowned. I knew he wouldn’t understand. “You gonna hit me, Josiah?” At the use of his real name, my brother’s eyes lit with agony and he flinched. I wanted to stop, to shut my fucking mouth. The morsel of life remaining in my dying heart told me to fucking stop and just let shit go. But the darkness taking command led me on, made sure I saw this out. “You gonna fuck me up, and then throw me in a cellar? Make sure I learn my fucking lesson, huh? Is that what you’re gonna do, Poppa?”
Like I’d fucking plowed a crowbar into his stomach, Flame staggered back. My legs went fucking weak at the sight, but I kept my chin up high. I’d never cared that Flame was different. Never cared I couldn’t talk to him like normal brothers could. But right now I fucking cared. I wanted him to see that I was dying inside, that I was on the fast train to hell and I needed him to fucking realize it and save me. But in response to his silence, and as if I was being controlled by a sadistic puppet master, I lifted my shirt, showing the scars our poppa sliced into my flesh. “You gonna give me more?” Flame didn’t speak, just stared at me. But his eyes were no longer filled with fire. They were fucking blank. Like he’d shut down inside, disappeared into his head and a
way from me and my fucking lethal tongue.
I got that he didn’t think the same as most people. But couldn’t he fucking see that I needed him? That I needed more than him telling me to ‘stop stressing Maddie out’, to ‘just stop’? I didn’t know how to just fucking stop! I needed him try, just this once. Just fucking try and push past the walls that surrounded his brain and make him see me fucking dying.
There was nothing. No words of comfort from his mouth. No acknowledgment of my pain.
Laughing a cruel single laugh, I spat, “So that’s your fatherly talk to me, huh? This is you having a one-to-one, a heart-to-heart?” Flame blinked three times in quick succession. Fucking withdrawn. Maybe hurt? I couldn’t tell. He never showed emotion apart from anger… just like me. Leaning back against the tree, I kept watch for the ghosts, and said, “And you’re gonna be an old man?” I huffed a sardonic laugh. “Good fucking luck with that.” I waited for him to hit me. Flame had never so much as lifted a finger to me. Right now, I fucking craved it. I wanted him to hit me. To knock me out, beat my face so I would feel it for days. I deserved the pain. I fucking craved the pain. And at least it meant that he was listening to something I said. That he wasn’t just ignoring me and casting me aside.
My heart was pounding from the words I’d fired. Like cheap shots from a semi-automatic, each one rebounding into me leaving a gaping wound full of regret. Adrenaline surged through my body like ignited gasoline. I couldn’t control my mouth. I was lashing out at the very person I needed to make shit right.
Flame was as still as a statue. His eyes were still focused on the trunk above my head. But his face was pale. Even in my drunken state, I saw that he had lost color—it was the only reaction he displayed.
It was a punch straight through my heart.
Silently, he turned and walked away. His shoulders were bunched as he trudged slowly through the high grass. With each receding step my anger subsided, only to be replaced by a gutting pit so deep it became an abyss of endless pain. When Flame finally disappeared, my legs gave away. My ass hit the cold ground, and I stared out at the darkness. I wasn’t lucky enough to feel numbness this time. I felt it all, every ache and tear and splitting of flesh. My regret felt as though my organs were shutting down, one after the other, causing my body to blaze with fire and agony. Flame’s blank stare lodged in my brain and I replayed my words, making sure I remembered the gravity of what I’d just done… You gonna fuck me up, and then throw me in a cellar? Make sure I learn my fucking lesson, huh? Is that what you’re gonna do, Poppa…? I didn’t know what Flame felt inside, if he even had feelings, but I’d seen him flinch when I’d called him by his birth name. And the way he walked back to the cabin—shoulders slumped, feet weighing ten tons. And you’re gonna be an old man… good luck with that…
I suddenly felt real damn lonely. So fucking lonely that I didn’t know how the fuck to breathe normally. I was chasing everyone away, because I believed it was better than letting them in. Better they didn’t see my growing darkness. Better they didn’t witness the evil consuming my flesh. Anger. Resentment… the fucking hell-risen ghosts that never let me sleep.
Out of the corner of my eyes, I saw the ghosts rising to their knees, reappearing in amongst the trees. This time they were gathering for a different reason—not to attack, but to watch me, to remind me that they didn’t sleep. That they’d always be in the shadows, waiting for the moment they could drag me with them to hell. As I stared at them, at their soulless eyes and sunken features, I felt wetness on my cheeks. I didn’t wipe the tears away. I let them crash like bombs into the earth beneath me, burning my skin in their fiery wake. Flame would now hate me. AK and Maddie too. But I supposed it didn’t matter in the end. Because no one hated me more than I hated myself.
Chapter Four
Flame
I gripped Maddie’s hand as the truck stopped in the parking lot of the clubhouse. Music was coming from inside. Hush and Cowboy’s truck pulled up beside us. Sia jumped out and waved at Maddie. Maddie waved back with her free hand. I wasn’t letting go of the one I was holding. Hush and Cowboy followed Sia inside. The door closed behind them. Shadows of my brothers moved inside. I stared at the doors. I didn’t wanna go in there. I didn’t wanna be here. I wanted to stay at the cabin with Maddie, and not fucking move.
“Flame?” I turned to face Maddie. She smiled at me, but it was different to normal. All her smiles were different now. I struggled to read the new type. I didn’t know what they meant. I shifted on my seat when my veins began to ache in my arms. I couldn’t stand it. I couldn’t fucking stand it. “We do not have to stay long. Just long enough to celebrate Azrael and Talitha.” Maddie squeezed my hand again. But the ache in my veins grew worse, her touch was no longer making it better. Maddie pressed her forehead to mine. I tried to pull back, but her free hand came up to my cheek and stopped me. I listened to Maddie breathe. When she slept every night, I listened to her breathe. Made sure her chest went up and down. Made sure her heart still beat in her chest. I didn’t sleep much. Whenever I did, I saw her dead. Saw Maddie’s eyes closed and the baby inside her dead too. I never wanted her eyes to be closed again. I needed them open and looking at me so I knew she was okay. She said nothing was going to happen to her. But I knew it would. The flames were going to make something happen to her. The evil inside me was going to destroy her. Like it had everyone else.
“Children are a good thing, baby,” she whispered. “It is joyous to celebrate them coming into the world. They are the living embodiment of love, of the parents who created them out of such fierce love.” Maddie pulled back. Her eyes were shiny. My stomach clenched. When they were shiny, it normally meant she was sad.
“You’re sad,” I said. Maddie dropped her head. It’s because you’ll be a fuck up of a papa, and she knows it. I squeezed my eyes shut, hearing my poppa’s voice in my head. And you’re gonna be an old man… good luck with that… Ash’s voice came next. He thought I was going to hurt him in the woods. Thought I was going to give him more scars on his stomach. Maddie was sad because she knew I would end up hurting her and our kid, just like Ash thought I would eventually hurt him too.
Maddie’s hand came back onto my cheek. She lifted my head. “I am not sad, like you think,” she whispered. I didn’t know why else she would be sad, if not for thinking I was letting her down. “Flame,” she continued. “I am sad that you believe you are not worthy of being a father.” Maddie traced her finger around my face. I loved her touch. I always wanted her to touch me. But her words didn’t make sense to me. “I am sad that you believe you could hurt us.” Maddie’s hand left my face and dropped to her stomach. My heart started beating fast. Inside of her was our baby. I didn’t want to hurt the baby.
Maddie took hold of my hand and tried to put it on her stomach. I ripped my hand away. “No!” My lungs squeezed tight. My heart beat too fucking fast. I couldn’t touch her stomach. I couldn’t ever touch the baby.
“Flame…” Maddie whispered. “I am scared too.” My eyes flicked to hers as her voice sounded strange. Cracked. “You are not alone in that. But with you by my side, I am strong. Ever since I met you, I have found a strength in me I never believed possible.” I closed my eyes. She made me stronger too. I couldn’t live without her.
“Touch me, Flame. Do not pull away.” Maddie leaned in. “Kiss me. I need you to kiss me.” I wanted to. My eyes flicked to her stomach, but Maddie leaned in again until she was all I could see. Her green eyes were huge. She was so fucking beautiful. The flames in my blood were too hot, too fucking strong, but I gritted my teeth and pushed past the pain. I kissed Maddie on the lips. I growled when the demons inside me told me to pull away. But she was mine. I couldn’t lose her. And I wanted to kiss her. Her kisses made everything better.
“Come,” Maddie said, pulling back to release my hand. “Let us go inside.” I jumped out of the truck and hurried to the passenger side door. Maddie smiled her usual smile when I opened her door and lift
ed her from the truck. I fucking loved that smile. That smile made it so I could breathe.
As we entered the clubhouse, kids were everywhere. The door shut behind us. We were trapped. Maddie began to pull us forward toward her sisters when a baby started screaming. It was like a knife to my fucking skull. The baby screamed again. I shut my eyes as the sound echoed round my head. I was in darkness. The dirt was beneath me, around me. And he was beside me, red and screaming… he wanted me to pick him up, but I couldn’t pick him up. I had just killed mama with my touch. I didn’t wanna hurt him too… but he kept screaming, kept crying… I didn’t know what to do. He was all I had. My baby brother…
“You are safe here.” Maddie’s voice cut through the darkness. When I opened my eyes, she was in front of me. “Azrael is not hurt, he is just a baby crying for his mama because he is hungry.” I looked to Lilah who was walking away with Azrael. “He is safe. See? All the babies here are safe and happy. No one is hurting them.” I nodded, but I felt like I was coming out of my skin—my veins, and blood, and bones all trying to crawl out of my body, to get the fuck away. I was hot. I felt too fucking hot, and I couldn’t stand still. “Let us sit down.”
I gripped Maddie’s hand and sat down at a table. I pulled her onto my lap when she tried to sit on the seat beside me. I was keeping her close, real close. I kept my hands away from her stomach. She said I wouldn’t hurt her, but I knew I better. I had to protect her. Maddie leaned in, laying her head on my shoulder when I struggled to sit still. I breathed in her scent. I wrapped my hand in her hair and let her calm me. Maddie started talking to Mae. When she spoke, the sound vibrated from her back against my chest. When she laughed, my fucking lungs stopped being so damn tight and allowed in air. I had to keep her here. If she stayed with me, I wouldn’t hurt any of the babies with my flames.