*****
I’d had classes all morning and hadn’t seen Saffie once. It was lunchtime now. I thought maybe she’d changed her mind and stayed at home. Zane told me he would watch out for her as he had classes close to her this morning. I hadn’t heard from him either.
Putting a smoke between my lips, I lit up as I reached the deserted bleachers. No fucker came here but for me and Zane. I ducked under the metal frame, moving behind a steel post and then stopped dead. Saffie was sitting on the other side of the post, eating a sandwich, head bowed like always. Her brown eyes lifted when she heard me. I gritted my teeth as I saw her, the sight of her stunning face slamming into my stomach with the force of a metal bar. She looked different. At least, her clothes did. She was wearing jeans and a pink sweatshirt. Her blond hair was back in some kind of fancy fucking braid. I’d never seen her in anything except for a dress and with her long hair down. Her cheeks suddenly burned bright red and she dropped her eyes again. I’d been fucking staring at her, a fucking mute as I studied how she looked.
Inhaling my smoke, I edged closer and cleared my throat. “You doing good?” I wasn’t used to speaking to Saffie.
Saffie’s eyes lifted. I swear I’d never seen lashes that fucking long or that dark before. She nodded but stayed silent. I wanted to hear her voice again. I moved closer and dropped to the ground close to where she was sitting. She looked kind of pale. The cuffs of her sweatshirt covered half her hands, like she was trying to disappear. And her eyes… they were wide like a deer’s caught in headlights. My stomach fucking caved in in sympathy. She looked petrified. What the fuck was she thinking coming here to school? I didn’t want to ask her that though. I didn’t want to make her feel like a fucking failure. I knew what that felt like. I wouldn’t bring her down in that way.
I thought I felt her gaze on mine as I stared out across the football field. I cleared my throat from the fucking shivers climbing up my spine. “Where’s Zane?”
I turned to Saffie. I couldn’t get over how different she looked. Those jeans. Those fucking jeans on her perfect legs. “He got detention,” she whispered, and my muscles tensed in an instant.
“Why? Was someone fucking with you?”
Saffie’s eyes widened. I guessed she’d never heard me speak this way. Like some overprotective fucking psycho. “No, Zane, he…” Saffie stared down at her hands. Her voice was as quiet as a damn mouse. It was still the best damn sound I’d ever heard. I wanted to hear more. But she was hesitating. Her gaze flitted around the bleachers and football field like someone would come and attack her at any second. I could tell she hated being here. Fucking hated being anywhere but in her home with her mama. “He is struggling,” she finally said. Zane and Saffie were siblings in a way. Zane was AK’s nephew, but I knew my friend saw him more as his old man. Saffie was Phebe’s kid. Z and Saff saw each other a lot. I was fucking jealous. In that moment I fucking envied Zane. He got to see Saffie every fucking day. See her blond hair and bright fucking eyes.
Then her words circled my brain… He is struggling…
I squeezed my eyes shut, wishing I knew how to fucking breathe. The fucking innate skill seemed to have jumped ship the minute Slash took the bullet meant for me. It was karma, I supposed. I was trying to breathe in air that should never have been mine to inhale.
And Zane… I knew he was fucked up too. Slash, me and Zane were best friends. He’d been there too that fucking day. And he’d been right beside me, firing bullets into the fuckers that killed our brother. I’d been so caught up in my fucking head that I hadn’t thought much of Zane. I knew he’d been fucking around in school. I wondered if he had the same anger I had. The same guilt that kept him awake at night. The fucking nightmares that haunted him whether he was awake or asleep.
I smoked the rest of my cigarette and flicked it to the ground when it was done. I rested my head back against the post and closed my eyes. Saffie didn’t say anything else. I wanted to ask her if she was really okay, but I had no right asking that of anyone else when I was fucking falling apart myself. I felt her body’s closeness, could smell her vanilla scent. Sweet—just like her. That was enough. I could protect her when she was beside me.
I concentrated on her body heat wrapping around me. It was like she was warmer or some shit than everyone else I’d ever met. She wasn’t even sitting right beside me and I felt her heat as much as I would the fire from an open furnace. I was cold. I was always fucking cold these days. She was the fucking sun. I couldn’t explain it more than that. My body just seemed to know she was there.
I sighed, holding my breath when I began to feel calmer. My eyes snapped open and I looked across to her. She’d been watching me. The minute our eyes met, her cheeks burst with redness and she ducked her head. My stomach tightened just looking at that blush… and there was no sign of my anger. I closed my eyes, keeping my face turned toward her and I breathed. I fucking breathed, not feeling like there was an iron cage around my lungs. I was tired. So tired. Like this, with Saffie beside me, I could sleep. I didn’t know why it was different around her, but I wasn’t going to question it. My head ached all the fucking time. Right now, it was as if I’d just taken ten Advil.
Suddenly, the sound of the school bell rang across the field to greet us. I rolled open my eyes and Saffie was on her feet, dusting off her jeans. Her legs. I’d never seen her in anything but a dress that covered her whole body. She was… she was fucking everything. I was eighteen. Saffie was a couple of years younger. And she was fucking beautiful. I’d thought it the first time I ever saw her. Thought it even more now. But she was pure. Innocent. She was good.
Wasn’t sure I had any good in me anymore.
Jumping to my feet, I nudged my head in the direction of the field. She walked toward the school like a death row prisoner would walk the fucking green mile. I wanted to pick her up and put her in my truck, take her the fuck home and question her sanity at why she would put herself through this when she clearly wasn’t ready. But this shit was her choice. I figured she’d had most of her choices taken from her in life by men. I wasn’t gonna add myself to that list. It was her right to do whatever she wanted even if I hated every damn minute of it.
So, I stayed right beside Saffie, keeping my fucking mouth shut. I concentrated in holding on to the feeling of calm she brought with her. Enjoyed the break from the rage that strangled me all day every day. We walked across the field in silence, but it wasn’t awkward. I knew she preferred silence over anything else. It was nice not having someone on my back for once, trying to make shit better. Nothing would make me better. I knew it. I’d accepted it.
I caught the stares of other students as I opened the door to the hallway and Saffie followed me inside. I felt the tension roll off her in waves, motherfucking tidal waves, when she saw the other students looking from her to me. Must have been wondering why the new girl was hanging out with the biker brat. I glared at any fucker that dared meet my eye.
“Where’s your next class?” I asked Saff. She handed me her schedule. “This way,” I said, and she followed me to the classroom. Stopping at the door and eyeballing the football players that checked her out, I said, “I’ll meet you in the entrance after school. Go straight there. Anyone gives you shit, you tell me. Yeah?”
Saffie gave me a flicker of a smile that fucking destroyed me, nodded, and then entered the classroom. That fucking smile imprinted itself in my brain. In fact, as the day droned on, I thought of nothing else. Gradually, the anger crept back, talon by sharp black talon until it regained its hold. Until I was shifting back and forth in my seat during final period, needing to get the fuck out. I thought back to Saffie, and how I felt being near her. Calm. Peaceful. I needed it back. I was coming out of my skin thinking of her pretty face, her legs in those jeans, her flushed cheeks… and how I could breathe around her. When the bell rang, I made my way to the entrance to find Zane and Saffie already waiting. I moved close to Saffie, not close enough to scare her or mak
e her uncomfortable, but close enough to feel the darkness begin to fade. And it did. It really fucking did. She was the perfect drug.
“What did you do?” I asked Zane, inhaling Saffie’s vanilla scent, letting it sink into my bones to numb the constant aches.
“Told Mr. Wallace to fuck off and shove his Sharpie up his ass,” Zane replied, shrugging. I smirked at Zane and he laughed back. “He wouldn’t get off my fucking back.” He ran his hand through his dark hair. “I can’t fucking deal with pricks like him anymore,” he admitted. “Not any-fucking-more.” He met my eyes. I read the unspoken message as he did. Not after Slash. I understood. He knew I did, because the same darkness that was now in me had infected us both. Zane, my fucking brother. We were in this shit together.
Reaching forward, I put my hand on his shoulder. “Your uncle will kill you for that.”
He shrugged. “Same as every other day.” I nodded and Zane shrugged off my hand. He nudged his head in Saffie’s direction. “Wasn’t sure you’d make it through the day without getting in the shit with me.”
I cast a glance to Saffie who had a book clutched to her chest, head down. My eyes narrowed when I saw her hands shaking. It fucking tore me apart. I knew Phebe had been homeschooling her before this. She should still be doing that. Not putting herself through this fucking torturous hell. “Then again,” Zane said. “I know my uncle made sure every teacher stressed her last name—Deyes. Suppose that made it real fucking clear where she was from and whose relation she was.” I nodded, silently thanking AK, but my priority was to get Saffie home.
“Let’s go,” I said, and saw her sigh in relief. Saffie walked between us until we reached the truck. She sat by the window and stared out as the world passed by. I couldn’t take my eyes off her.
“You pissed?” Zane asked as I approached the country roads that led us to the compound. “About the suspension from Prospect?”
“Yeah,” I agreed, but shrugged. Pissed was an understatement. “They just don’t fucking understand.” Zane nodded and I knew he really did understand. I felt his anger too, like it was connected to mine. A living, breathing fucking demon that was taking us over, possessing our soul’s day by day.
Fifteen minutes later, I pulled into the cluster of cabins where we all lived. I parked the truck. AK and Flame were sitting outside AK’s house. Viking was there too. For once he wasn’t smirking or talking about his cock. AK was serious as he spoke to Flame. My gut twisted. Something was happening. Something bad.
“What’s going on?” Zane asked, frowning at everyone’s concerned faces.
“Fuck knows,” I replied. We got out of the car. Before I’d even blinked, Saffie was rushing inside the house, Phebe opening the door and hugging her tightly before the door closed. I fucking stopped my feet from breaking into a run and rushing after her.
AK lifted his head. “How’d it go?”
“She was scared shitless,” I replied and approached them. “She shouldn’t be there. I get it’s not up to me, but she’s far from fucking ready to be in that school.” Before AK could reply, I looked to my brother and registered the black circles under his eyes. Saw his tense muscles. And when he moved his arms, I saw fresh cuts on his inner forearms.
“What’s happening?” I asked him. But Flame was staring blankly at the ground. Wasn’t sure he’d even heard me, he was that far into his head.
I looked to Vike. He didn’t crack a fucking joke, no smartass comment. Zane stood beside me, still as the fucking night. He clearly sensed something was going down as much as me. He moved closer to me. My fucking best friend having my back for whatever was about to revealed.
“Flame?” AK said, but Flame said and did fuck all in response. Instead, he just began sinking his nails into his arms. I heard him hiss when blood was drawn. My heart started fucking pounding. I hadn’t seen him like this in a while. Not since he first brought me back to the compound. I’d heard of what Flame was like before Maddie. But I’d never really seen it. I hoped to Christ I wasn’t about to see it now.
“Madds is pregnant,” AK said, and Flame’s head jerked, then he jumped to his feet. Flame’s hands shook, and he started pacing. His head twitched and he started slicing his arm over and over again with his fingernails, fucking lost inside his head. I watched his nostrils flare, his cheeks turn red. I watched him slowly lose his fucking mind. I took a deep breath. Maddie was pregnant. It was why she was acting different. It was why she’d been sick so much… and it was why Flame was regressing to who he’d been when we’d first met. I didn’t know why he was acting like this again, until…
His brother. The brother before me… the one that died.
“He isn’t handling it well,” AK said, coming close to me as Flame took himself across the clearing to be alone. I never took my fucking eyes from him, seeing his jaw clench and his eyes dart around the clearing like he was coming out of his fucking skin. “He thinks the flames are back. He thinks they’ll kill Maddie and the baby. Fuck, I think he’s losing it again.” AK ran his hand down his face. He looked exhausted.
“Didn’t go so well when this happened before,” Viking said, folding his arms across his massive chest. “Thought we were gonna lose him. Maddie saved him, of course. Now it’s Maddie who he thinks he’s gonna lose.” As I watched my brother, I felt the anger rise in me too. Not one more thing. First Slash, the fucking suspension, now Flame losing his shit again.
I couldn’t lose him. He couldn’t fucking breakdown. Madds wouldn’t be hurt. She was pregnant. I thought most pregnancies went okay. I didn’t fucking know. But then my heart dropped to the ground just imagining if she did get hurt, if something happened to her and the baby. What the fuck would happen to Flame then? To us? I couldn’t lose Maddie too. I’d already lost one mama. I needed Maddie in my fucking life.
“He can’t have more stress,” AK said and looked at me. In a second, the flame of rage sparked inside me.
I curled my lip, smirking, but I was anything but amused. “Me,” I said to AK, then nodded my head. “I’m the fucking stress.” I laughed in AK’s face. “Message received, AK. Come on, Zane,” I said, and backed away. “Let’s get the fuck outta here.”
“He ain’t going nowhere,” AK said. “This fucker is going in the house, then I’m taking him to his aunts.”
“What? Why? I’m staying here!” Zane shouted.
“Think again,” AK said. “You think the school didn’t call?”
Zane glanced at me, fucking fury in his eyes and stormed inside AK’s cabin, slamming the door behind him. Turning, I went into the cabin and into my room. I paced from wall to wall, the wooden floor creaking under my feet. I glanced out of my window and saw Flame staring down at his arms, blood trickling along his ruined, tattooed skin. His face was blank, like my brother wasn’t even here on this damn, fucked up planet anymore. A deep sense of dread traveled along my veins. I couldn’t fucking take it. I couldn’t take any more of this shit. I felt like I was coming out of my skin, the anger a feral wolf that was trying to rip free. I never fucking let it out. I knew I’d never come back from it if I did.
Reaching under my bed, I took out the unopened bottle of Jack I’d stolen from the clubhouse, my smokes and gun, and left through the back door before disappearing into the trees.
Slumping down in front a wide tree trunk, I opened the cap of the bottle and began to drink. I drank and drank, smoked smoke after smoke, until my lungs were raw and the forest before me started to blur. With every mouthful of liquor, the memories from the day Slash died had started to fade from my mind. Ultra HD technicolor gave way to grainy black and white. But the fucking ghosts didn’t disappear. No, those fuckers never faded. They never left me alone—fucking Reapers at my shoulder.
I blinked into the dark forest. Night had fallen as quickly as the Jack had slid so easily down my throat. One by one I saw them coming out. I saw the men I’d killed on the day Slash had died, walking toward me, blood seeping from their chests, heads
and legs—whichever part of them I’d hit as I’d fired bullet after bullet into their mortal bodies, ripping them apart and robbing them of life.
“Die,” I hissed, my words slurred, even to my ears. But they kept coming. Next were the hoard of Mexicans Smiler and I had killed most recently, shuffling toward me, their insides bared, faces sunken and sallow, death eating at them like a greedy parasite.
And then I saw him. I fucking saw Slash, head wounded, blood spattering his face and body. His eyes never left mine. My fucking chest cracked at seeing my best friend like this. He moved to sit beside me, studying the men still coming my way. My hands were shaking feeling him so close. I tried to tell myself that none of these people were real, that Slash was buried, already across the River Styx with Hades. But I felt his ice-cold breath on my cheek. I heard him wheezing, struggling for the breath that would to bring him back to life. “Kill them,” he whispered into my ear. The world tilted to the side as he spoke. I was so fucking drunk. So, fucking over everything, I no longer cared.
I coughed hard. My lungs were blackened and fucked with the amount of smoke I was pushing inside them. Every day I drank and smoked. Every day I fucking lost another piece of my mind. I was convinced that by now there was little left to lose. I was quickly following Smiler into the abyss.
Nothing helped. Nothing blocked out the ghosts.
Suddenly, Saffie’s face flashed into my fucked up mind. To her sat near me under the bleachers at school. Next to her, the anger fell away like the ash from the end of my cigarette. Next to her, in her tight jeans and sweater, everything was fucking comfortably numb. But no sooner had her face filled my mind, than it disappeared.
“Kill them, Ash,” Slash’s graveled voice ordered, his bloodied index finger pointing at the men closing in. “Kill the fuckers that killed me.” He paused, inhaled a crackled, stuttering breath. He smiled; his teeth painted with stale red blood. “You need to avenge me, Ash. Never stop until all of them are dead. Kill them in my name… you owe me, Ash. This should have been you.”