The surge of adrenaline whenever the Messenger notification would pop up was proof that, deep down, this was much more to me than just a friendly message chain.
I wasn’t expecting this to happen.
I lived for her messages—fucking addicted to talking to her.
And I was hiding in order to do it. There was no place I preferred being lately other than holed up in my room or in the bathroom talking to Jade.
If there was nothing wrong with it, why would I have to hide it whenever Nicole was home? Sometimes, I’d pretend to have to run an errand just so I could message Jade from my car in peace.
I knew it was wrong, but I’d managed to convince myself that it wasn’t cheating, since there was nothing sexual involved. Emotional, maybe, but not sexual. Aside from that first night when I stupidly admitted my physical attraction to her, we’d kept things pretty platonic. I vowed that wouldn’t change; I still maintained that I didn’t want to ever get involved with Chelsea’s sister. The distance between Jade and me was the blessing in all of this. She would always be in New York, and it was looking more and more likely that I was on the west coast to stay.
She and I really did just talk. We’d talk about our days, life goals, her past relationships. We talked about her mother. A lot. Her sisters. My brother. We talked about our nephew—we’d argue about whether he looked more like my side or hers. We’d discuss theater stuff, compare how things were managed in each of our shows. We could have talked shop all day long. We’d occasionally discuss politics, and sometimes that would result in little arguments, which I fucking loved. I loved fighting with her.
Sometimes, we’d talk about serious stuff, and other times, we’d just rehash what we’d eaten on a particular day. All of this, and I hadn’t even heard her voice. It didn’t matter. I loved communicating with her this way. What started as one quick message as a result of my curiosity had seriously turned into an unexpected friendship. Jade was nothing like you would assume based on her looks and occupation. She was down-to-earth, self-deprecating, and funny as hell. So funny.
For a very long time, I really did think that I was meant to be with Nicole. Now, I was confused. Even in the early days of my relationship with her, our conversations never ran as deeply as the ones I’d had in the short time I’d been chatting with Jade. It was hard not to compare them. I really needed to figure out what was going to happen with my girlfriend. It was getting to the shit or get off the pot level.
Nicole had made it very clear to me that she wanted to get married. She was constantly dropping hints. She and I had invested a lot of time into our relationship. That alone made me want to make it work. What was the point of the past two years if we were just going to give up now? And I didn’t want to hurt her. It seemed a heck of a lot easier to just continue doing what we were doing. But then Damien’s question from last Christmas would constantly come back to haunt me. Would I die for Nicole? I still couldn’t answer a yes to that question with absolute certainty.
Add to that, my current dilemma—the fact that it was getting harder to keep thoughts of Jade at bay—and I was one confused motherfucker. Especially since acting on things with Jade wouldn’t be an option. So, why would I change anything about my life if I couldn’t really be with her?
On this particular night, it had actually been a couple of days since I’d last heard from Jade. I guess we were taking an unofficial break from communicating. Maybe that was for the best.
I was grateful that Nicole and I were headed to Damien and Chelsea’s for dinner tonight. It would help take my mind off things. I just needed a mental break from worrying about my relationship. My brother, his wife, Little D, and the dogs would be a great distraction.
Nicole walked into the bathroom as I was spraying on some cologne. “Ready to go?”
“Yeah.” I looked her up and down. “You look nice.”
“Thanks, babe.” She smiled.
Nicole was wearing a cute little dress and had her hair down. She had gorgeous, long, dark hair—the polar opposite of Jade.
Why am I thinking about Jade again?
“Are we bringing something?” she asked.
“Yeah. I’ll stop on the way and get some beer.”
She leaned against the doorway. “It’ll be nice to see Little D.”
“Yeah. He’s getting big fast.”
She crossed her arms. “Everything okay with you?”
I looked at her through the mirror. “Yeah. Why do you ask?”
“You’ve just been a little quiet lately. Is something up?”