"I can tell youre thinking too much," Avi says, appearing beside me again.
He lies on the ground, his body next to mine. I have to remind myself not to think about Avi and focus on the gun.
"Im afraid of the recoil. "
"Youre lying down, so you wont feel so much of it. Line up your target," he tells me.
I line up the paper that seems way too far away for me to hit with a bullet less than the width of my pinky finger. "Done. "
He places his fingers over mine. Theyre strong and soft and I wish my body wouldnt tingle with excitement from him being near me. Im so afraid that Ill never be able to fully get over him.
"Ready?"
I squeeze my eyes shut and control my breathing. Unfortunately, my pulse is racing. But thats because Avis body is pressed up against mine. His strong hands on mine remind me of the times he touched me intimately. I try and put those thoughts out of my mind as I say, "Ready. "
"Exhale. Hold it. . . " His finger presses on mine and the rifle fires. The recoil definitely pushes my shoulder back, but not as hard or as bad as I feared.
"You okay?"
I pick up my head, now just a few inches away from Avis. "Oh. My. God. That was awesome!
"Just a few minutes ago you said you werent a gun person. "
"Im not. You know, when theyre used for aggression or war. But just shooting a target is so cool. "
Avi scratches his temple as if he isnt quite sure how to say what hes about to say. "Umm. . . I hate to break the news to you, but you didnt actually hit your target. You hit Jessicas. Her bullet went left of her target and ended up in the haystacks. "
I lean back and watch as Jessica brags about hitting her target. She analyzes her precision with the range binoculars as if shes a sharpshooter.
"Oh. Maybe this time I shouldnt shut my eyes when I pull the trigger. "
"Thatd probably help your aim. " I can see him trying to hide his laugh with a cough.
Avi watches as I aim again. I control my breathing and shoot.
"Did I hit it?"
He smiles at me. "No. It went low. You overcompen-sated for the recoil too much by lowering the barrel. Try again. "
I keep firing until my magazine is empty. I hit the target a bunch of times. I still think guns are dangerous and scary. But in a controlled environment like this, its not so bad.
After we shoot two more magazines full of live ammunition, and Ive finally learned to hit the target consistently, were taught how to clean and care for our weapon. Because were just trainees and not real, full-time Israeli soldiers, we have to hand in our magazines. Unless were on the range, our issued rifles wont be anywhere near live ammo.
"Keep your rifle in your possession at all times unless instructed otherwise," Ronit tells us. "And watch your weapon closely. Liron or I might sneak up on you and take it in the middle of the night. If you dont wake up and we end up with your weapon, youll have to do pushups come morning. Whether you keep it under your pillow or next to you in bed is up to you. "
I grip my Ml6. I feel the smooth barrel and ridged handgrip. Not my first choice in sleeping partners, thats for sure. But since I have to sleep with it, I might as well give it a name.
George II.
"You shoot that rifle like a warrior woman, Amy," Nathan says. "I think Avi has rubbed off on you. "
I dont feel like a warrior woman in the evening, after showers and Im sitting on my bed wondering how Im going to sleep with George II. The cold, hard black metal with traces of grease doesnt match my pink pillow.
Checking out how the other girls are sleeping with their guns, I notice most of them are placing them under their pillows. If I want a crick in my neck in the morning, putting the rifle under my pillow would be a great idea.
I dont want a sore neck in the morning.
Since I slide my arm under my pillow to sleep every night (its hereditary; my dad does it, too), I figure George II will be better off if I sleep hugging him. I pull the covers up and lie on my pillow. Pulling George II closer, I hug him tight.
If Avi could see me now, hugging a black rifle tight enough so that Liron or Ronit cant steal it away from me in the middle of the night, hed probably be proud.
I just wish it was Avi I was hugging instead of a big piece of metal. If only I could hug Avi tight enough so no girl could steal him away from me, Id be happy.
Unfortunately, life doesnt work that way.
Chapter 20
When your mom told you life isnt fair, she wasnt kidding.
The next day were off to the obstacle course again. Avi isnt with us, so were without a team leader. Liron said Sergeant B-S called him into his office, and nobody has seen him since.
Determined to master the monkey bars, I take a deep breath when its my turn and swing my body from one bar to the next. My team cheers me on. . . even Tori, who has lost a tiny bit of her edge. Weve fallen behind because of me, but when I finish the monkey bars without help and everyone claps for me, I catch a genuine smile on Toris face as she congratulates me.
We still lose the race to Lirons team, but not by much. I think our team has finally become a cohesive unit, bolstered and strengthened by each other. When we all give high fives to each other, I catch sight of Avi standing next to Sergeant B-S. They both have very serious expressions on their faces.
Avi tells us we did a good job, then pulls me aside.
"If youre gonna tell me I should have gone up that rope by myself, I just couldnt," I tell him. "Next time Ill try. I promise. "
"Its not about the rope, Amy. "
Hes definitely concerned about something. "Whats wrong?"
Its your safta.
My grandma? I swallow hard, thinking the worst. She has cancer, but I thought she was doing okay. Was I wrong? "Is. . . is she okay?" I hardly get the words out because theres a lump in my throat.
"Your father called. She was taken to the hospital last night and he thinks you should go there. Just in case. "
"Just in case oduhati"
He shrugs. "I dont know. "
"What exactly did he say?"
"Sergeant Ben-Shimon gave me a forty-eight hour leave and use of a car. Come on, we can talk about it on the way. "
I say my goodbyes to everyone in my unit. Even though Avi and I are abandoning them, Sergeant B-S says hell take over as team leader for the next forty-eight hours until Avi comes back. My farewell is filled with tears, because Im not coming back. And while I hated being here, I loved it too.
It takes me less than a half hour to pack up. Avi accompanies me to the bittan and doesnt leave my side the entire time. In the car, were finally alone--without military restrictions or rules.
"So what did my dad say?" I ask.
"He said not to panic until they know more. He just wanted you with the family in case its something serious. "
"What if shes dying?"
"Dont start thinking the worst. "
"Thats like telling my dog Mutt not to smell crotches. "
He looks sideways at me as he drives. "Is that why you think the worst of me?"
"You kissed Liron more than once. I didnt make it up. "
"I admitted to kissing Liron. When you kissed Nathan, I heard you out and we got past it. Why wont you hear me out?"
I might as well tell him the truth. "Because Im afraid. "
"Of the truth?"
Of course. The truth hurts most of the time. I have a history of pushing people away in an effort to avoid the truth. "Yeah," I tell him. "Im afraid of the truth. I think of you being attracted to someone else, and I feel sick. And when I visualize you kissing someone else, the pain is just too great. I thought you, of all people, would never disappoint me. "
I look out the window, trying to avoid looking right at Avi. Admitting how much his betrayal has affected me makes me vulnerable.
"Ive been waiting for some hint that you want to fight for us. "
"Im done fight
ing," I say.
"Im not. "
"Its an occupational hazard for you. Youre a soldier, trained to fight. "
"So what do you want, Amy? You want to be enemies? Friends?"
"Friends sounds good. You know, what we are without the dating part. That way, I have no expectations. " Maybe Noah has it right. . . no expectations means you dont get hurt.
Avi takes a deep breath. "If just being friends is what you want, Ill give you that. But when youre ready to fight for more, let me know. Because nothing is as intense as when were together. Admit it. "
"I admit it. But who says intense is best?"
"Me. And you, if youd just open your eyes long enough to realize we might not be the most perfect couple, but were better together than apart. Truth is, Im afraid of losing you," he blurts out. "I know this probably isnt the best time to bring it up, but we dont have many chances to be alone. Nathan isnt the one--you know that. Sure, he talks a lot. Each word out of me is a struggle sometimes. But you and I. . . Amy. . . " He hesitates, and I can just feel him trying to get the right words out to express his feelings. For a guy who hardly ever talks in public, expressing emotion out loud is harder than shooting a flea a hundred meters away. "Were just right. "
The problem is, I dont think my heart can handle another Avi breakup. Im programmed to be emotional; I cant help it. For better or worse, my attitude and "drama queen-ness" defines who I am. Avi, on the other hand, is emotionally and drama-challenged. And although I came on this boot camp program in order to see him, maybe it was Gods way of hinting that were just too different.
"Im always going to be afraid a smarter girl or a prettier girl is going to lure you away from me. Listen, I dont blame you for being attracted to Liron. Shes beautiful, she can scale walls, climb ropes, and she carries a rifle. If I liked girls, Id go for her too. "
"Just hear me out, okay?"
My resolve is weakening fast. I have the childish urge to cover my ears with my palms and sing la, la, la, la, la, la so I dont hear what happened between Avi and Liron. But I guess I cant hide from the truth forever.
"Okay, Avi. Tell me why you kissed Liron. "
Chapter 21
Sometimes the truth hurts. . . but you cant let it consume your life.
Everyone can take lessons in life from the Israelis.
Were driving north toward Tiberias. Every time I look out the window, I see Israelis doing the same things we do back home. I see kids playing on playgrounds, teens playing soccer, and people eating at restaurants. I wonder why Israelis dont act like theyre living in a war zone. How can they be so strong-willed? How can they know the truth --that some of the countries surrounding them would like nothing better than to destroy their country--and still live carefree lives?
I brace myself for the truth of what happened between Avi and Liron. Listen, Im half Israeli myself. I can act like an Israeli and tackle any obstacle that comes my way. At least I think I can.
"Now probably isnt the best time to talk about it, with your safia in the hospital, but we might not get another chance. "
"At least itll get my mind off of wondering whats wrong with her. Go ahead, Avi. I need to know. "
"Survival training was a total mind game," he tells me. "Lack of sleep, being blindfolded and finding out what it was like to be captured by terrorists, watching actual footage of Jews being brutally murdered just because they were Jewish or Israeli. Some of the bodies were so mutilated you wondered if they were killed by humans or beasts. You question your faith in God, because why would He let those things happen? You end up puking your guts out. You get so sad that every guy, no matter how tough, breaks down and cries like a baby. Then anger and a craving for revenge replaces the sorrow. Fury seeps from every pore of your body. I was so exhausted there were times I had no clue if my thoughts were my own, and at times I was so enraged I wanted to rush out and kill every terrorist single-handedly. "