Crouching in front of me, she balanced herself by placing both hands on my thighs.
The contact made a shudder wrack my body. My eyes remained dry, but it didn’t mean everything else cried, begged, screamed that this wasn’t happening.
“It’s okay.” She sighed gently. “The thought is more terrifying than the action.” Tucking a lock of dark hair that’d escaped my ear, she added, “Sex is fine…isn’t it? I mean, you’ve enjoyed it with the partners you’ve chosen in the past?”
I risked looking into her uncomplicated gaze. I still didn’t trust her. After all, she loved Sully, even if she didn’t lust after him. She might be an award-winning actress with her kindness and attempt at friendship. But she urged me silently to answer her, expecting honesty.
“Yes…” I licked my lips, lubricating my dry throat. “Sex with my boyfriend was pleasant.”
She smiled, crinkling her eyes. “Just pleasant?”
I wanted some space, but I allowed her to stay balanced with her fingers digging into my legs. “What else is there?”
Stupid question.
Very stupid.
Jealousy’s eyebrows shot up. “What else is there? To sex?” She swooned backward, landing in a fluff of lemon dress. “If you have to ask that, then you haven’t experienced what it can be.”
Shifting so I sat on my knees, I revealed, “Sully’s already given me the elixir. He used it as a punishment on the day I arrived. The pleasure that awful stuff gave me was the most intense I’d ever felt before. But it also caused so, so much pain. If that’s what it’s like sleeping with a man while on that stuff…then…well—” I shrugged helplessly. “I’m terrified.”
She nodded in sympathy. “You will be sore, I guarantee that. You’ll be exhausted for days afterward. But, Jinx…while you’re in Euphoria, none of that will matter.” Her voice lowered with truth. “Honestly, the best piece of advice I can give you is…let go. Forget how you came to be here. Forget your friends, your life, your home. Forget even who you are. Just take my hand, come with me, and allow yourself to experience something no one else gets to in their entire life.”
“No one? What about the men who—”
“Men who pay hundreds of thousands of dollars to worship us?” Her eyes glowed with past conquests and her own experience. “They won’t hurt you…not in a violent way. They will give you their hearts while you are theirs. They will fall in love with you when you’re in their arms. You will forever be incomparable for the rest of their godforsaken lives because they only get to taste ambrosia…but you, us, the goddesses on this island, we are that ambrosia. It’s not the elixir. It’s not Euphoria. It’s us who makes this place burst with magic.”
I climbed to my feet, rubbing my arms and needing to walk on shaky legs. “It’s still against my will.”
She stood too, her eyes following me as I paced. “Isn’t all work against your will?”
I stopped, glaring at her. “Going reluctantly to an office building compared to sleeping with a man are two completely different things.”
“I suppose.” She held out her palms. “But…the same too.”
“I’m not arguing with you about the morality of employment versus slavery. Besides, plenty of people do work they love. Work that isn’t against their will.”
“Fair enough.” She padded toward the door. The door she’d left open, revealing the sandy path and journey I had to take whether I wanted to or not. “Enough talking. I’ll show you why you don’t need to be afraid.”
When I didn’t uproot myself, she murmured, “Come. I’ll be the one to guide you through getting ready.”
“There’s a process?”
“Yes. There are rules and techniques and a system that has to be followed.”
“And if I refuse to leave this villa?” I crossed my arms, doing my best to be strong and brave—to be a female gladiator who would rip out the throats of any who touched her, but really, I was an imposter. A scared girl who’d been brought up with the ideals that her body was her temple and only those invited were allowed to enter.
“Then Sullivan would have to collect you himself.” Her voice lowered. “And he wouldn’t be as kind as I.”
Drifting toward her, I asked despite myself, “Why does everyone idolize him? No one tries to kill him for what he’s made us. No one tries to run away.”
“Some do…in the beginning.” She shrugged. “But Euphoria changes them.”
“I don’t want to be changed.”
She came toward me, her eyes flashing. “Are you sure? Are you so sure you’re the person you’re meant to be with the limited life lessons you’ve learned already? Are you so sure you don’t want to grow and evolve and experiment?” She leaned in until her body heat tangled with mine. “Are you so sure that you’re not afraid because secretly, deep down…you want to let go? You want to know what it’s like to be that raw, angry, wild little creature that society has forced us to tame?”