I looked out the window as I waited for the car to pull away. Ariel stood at the front door with her arms crossed over her chest. She watched me with a stoic expression, my final words not leaving any kind of mark. I surveyed the windows of the tower, wondering what Crewe was thinking at that very moment. I treasured the final view of my home before I was pulled away forever, returning to my mediocre and passionless life.
When the car pulled away, I covered my face and gave in to the grief that burned inside of my heart. The driver didn’t glance at me over his shoulder. He didn’t ask me any questions either. He left me to cry to myself in peace, letting me express emotions that I couldn’t express in words.
I didn’t just lose the love of my life.
I lost my reason to live.
19
Crewe
I was numb.
Absolutely numb.
Whenever I was angry, I reached for the scotch. But I didn’t do that today. Whenever I was pissed, I shoved my fist through a wall. That didn’t happen either.
What I felt in that moment was different from anything else I’d ever experienced.
The first thing I did was sit down on the balcony. It was freezing cold outside and windy, but I needed the temperature to cool myself off. I rested my fingers against my chin and tried to understand what just happened.
She left me.
She didn’t want me anymore, so she packed her things and took off.
I thought we were happy.
I thought she loved me.
A part of me still thought those things. There had been instances when she behaved strangely, but I assumed she was simply in a peculiar mood. I didn’t think it reflected on me or her happiness in our relationship.
Maybe if I’d paid more attention, I would have noticed.
I sat there for hours until it was pitch black outside. I didn’t bother turning on the lights or having dinner. I allowed the shadows to surround me and steal my soul. I almost felt indifferent, but I knew that wasn’t the case. I knew I was in such distress my body didn’t know how to cope with the pain.
I was going to ask her to marry me.
But she wanted to break up instead.
How would I internalize that? How would I accept that? It was hard for me to take her back to begin with. She fought for me, even moved here for me, and then she just changed her mind?
It didn’t add up.
I made love to her last night, and everything seemed normal. She was drenched for me, and when she said she loved me, I could see the passion in her eyes. If you told me then that was my last night with her, I wouldn’t have believed you.
But that didn’t stop it from being true.
I didn’t know what to do with myself. I’d given up alcoholism, my biggest habit. I’d given up my asshole attitude too. All my bad characteristics had been locked away so my good features could shine through. Without her with me, there was no reason to be a good man. There was no reason to be happy.
There was no reason for anything.
I didn’t hear the knock at my door, just Dunbar’s approach from the living room. “Sir?”
I didn’t turn around. Even if he had a gun pointed at me, I still wouldn’t turn around. “I’m listening.”
“I just picked up the ring. What would you like me to do with it?”
If it hadn’t belonged to my mother, I would have told him to throw it away. “Leave it on the table. Tell the rest of the staff not to disturb me.”
Dunbar was smart to not ask any questions. “Yes, sir.” He shut the door and disappeared.
There were only two women I’d ever intended to marry, and both of them left me without a backward glance. Not only was I wealthy and smart, but I was handsome and gentle. I had a lot of good qualities when I allowed them to shine through.
But neither of them seemed to care.
I needed to have children to pass down my lineage. If not, I would have stopped giving a fuck.
But I couldn’t picture myself with anyone, letting alone being a husband. All I could think of was the woman I’d fallen madly in love with. She played me like a fool, not once, but twice.
Ariel had been right.
Why didn’t I listen to her?
I stared into the darkness and tightened my hand into a fist, the kind that pierced my skin and made my knuckles turn white. “Fuck her.”
Ariel walked into my office. “I just got off the phone with—”
“You can reach me by email today. I’m not taking any personal visits.” I didn’t look up from my laptop, not interested in seeing a human face other than my own for the foreseeable future.