I understood where she was coming from. She and Donna felt the same way. And if I were in their shoes and they were with someone like Jake, I might give them the same advice.
But they weren’t in my shoes.
And Jake wasn’t theirs.
“I wish I never fell for my grumpy boss with a chip on his shoulder,” I muttered. “My heart wants to stay with him, but my brain is telling me that there might be someone out there who’s easier to be with. Less maintenance.”
Ainsley pursed her lips. “Easier doesn’t necessarily mean better.”
“Pick a lane,” I groaned.
She smiled sympathetically. “You’re a smart girl, Gabi. I don’t want to tell you what to do. Only you can decide. I think, no matter what, you need to talk to him. You need to put it all out there. Then you can look at all the pieces with a bit more subjectivity and really get a look at the full picture. If it’s not a picture you want to be in? Then it’s time to call it. But if you can’t see your life without him in it? Well, maybe that’s all you need to know. I just…” She trailed off.
“What? Say it. I can handle it.”
She looked at me like she was afraid I might lash out. “I just worry that he’s not a good person, Gabi. I know you say he is, but all this behavior suggests otherwise. He hurts you over and over again. Do you know what that’s called?”
I kept my mouth shut.
“Abuse,” she said.
The word made me flinch.
“I know it’s hard to hear,” she continued, “but let’s not leave our blinders on and pretend. Repeated harmful behaviors at your expense are abusive. I want you to have your eyes wide open when you make your decision. It’s not acceptable. It’s dangerous.”
“I know.”
“Do you?”
“Yes,” I said, my tone sharp again. “I understand why you’re saying that. It’s crossed my mind, too. But it’s not who he is. He’s unlearning all of this. He has reasons why he does the things he does.”
“Reasons and justifications don’t change anything, Gabi.”
I looked down at the pavement at my feet. Embarrassment colored my cheeks. From the outside looking in, things might look abusive. I could see that from her perspective. But from mine, I knew he wasn’t an abusive person. He was an angry, damaged, healing person. He was putting in the work. His words hurt, but his explosive reactions were situational.
Fuck. I was justifying it.
I raked my fingers through my hair and sighed. “This is such a mess.”
“Maybe I’m being extreme,” Ainsley offered, trying to soften the blow.
“I needed to hear it. And I need to talk to him and tell him, too.”
“Do you need someone to go with you?”
I shook my head. He would never hurt me. Besides, none of our fights had ever actually been about me. They were always about him, his shortcomings, and his failures. This last one was about me letting him down. I knew that was how he saw it. He thought I’d betrayed him. He lashed out because I did to him what he trusted me to never do.
He was protecting himself.
It was still shitty, but I could understand it.
“I need more time, that’s all,” I said.
“The world and Jake will be waiting for you when you’re ready. Take as much time as you need.”
I gave her a thin smile. “Thank you for being here for me. It means a lot. I’m glad my stupid brother is marrying you.”
She laughed. “I’m glad he is, too.”