“I want you to fuckin’ hold me!”
We both froze, me looking at him, him looking at me, and neither of us moved.
He took a breath, and I knew, just knew, he was going to lie to me or make light of his words or try and defuse the tension by any means necessary, and I didn’t want that. I couldn’t have that anymore. There was only up from here, from where we were.
I charged around the counter, turned his barstool, and wrapped him in my arms. Tight.
I tucked his head under my chin and didn’t let him move. Not that he tried to. He inhaled a long shaky breath and then dissolved into tears. He sobbed for what felt like an hour, and I held on, rubbed his back and pressed him against me, loving the contact, feeling suddenly like I could fly.
As always, it felt right. Right to be holding him, right to have him lean on me, and right to have him with me.
I was an idiot. I had to tell him that he belonged with me even though I was clueless about how that would work. It didn’t feel sexual, so what did that mean? But the alternative was that he’d be out in the world, walking around, and someone else would see him and think,Yeah, I want him.
I couldn’t lose him in my life, like he was now. At this time, in this moment, he was mine to lose.
“Cel,” I said when the racking sobs became weeping and then sniffling. “Can I go get some tissues so you can blow your nose?”
He nodded, and I gently eased free. I had a box in the kitchen, so I was back in seconds, pulling them for him and then watching as he blew and then wiped and then did the whole thing all over again. Once I had everything thrown away, I took in the sight of his red nose and swollen eyes. He had never looked more adorable.
“Oh, Cel,” I murmured, and leaned in and hugged him again before kissing his forehead, then his nose, and saw the surprise on his face and heard his breath catch before I lifted his chin and kissed his mouth.
It was fast, I didn’t linger, and I noticed he didn’t kiss me back.
“You don’t wanna kiss me?” I asked, straightening up and squinting at him, terrified I’d made a mistake.
“For heaven’s sake, Eli, I’ve wanted to kiss you since the moment we met, but you’re freaking me out right now because I’m worried that you’re feeling sorry for me and planning to give me your body to try and make me feel better.”
After a moment, I said, “My body?” He groaned and tried to turn away, but I caught his face in my hands and stared into his truly beautiful eyes. “I have something to say, and the timing is shit with the day you’ve had, but I think you should know.”
Quick inhale of breath as he girded himself for whatever I was going to say.
“I want us, when this is all over…to date.”
Clearly that was not what he was expecting from the look I got along with the narrowed eyes. Letting my hands fall off him, still holding his gaze, I waited.
“I’m sorry, what?”
“I want us to date. I want us to see each other, exclusively, because I don’t want you to date anyone else.”
He nodded. “Why not?”
“Why not, yeah, you’ll date me, or why don’t I want you to date anyone else?”
“The second one.”
“I don’t want you to date anyone else because you’re supposed to be with me.”
“Definebe with you.”
“You’re being very logical right now, and it’s freaking me out a little.”
“Well,” he said, taking a breath, “I’m about to have a nervous breakdown if we don’t keep talking, so…answer the question.”
“Why would you be having a—”
“For you, this is a new development, right? The whole wanting-me-in-your-life thing is a recent epiphany.”
“It is,” I confessed.