Exhaustion made every movement heavy. It had to be early in the night still, yet I was afraid to go back to sleep now. Alvin’s ritual had done something, and it genuinely terrified me. While I doubted I could kill Ryder, I still didn’t want to hurt him.
“Alvin needs to be stopped,” I said.
Ryder nodded. “We’ll find him, and when we do, we can exile him.”
I sat back, surprised. “Exile? Are you really willing to let him go on to hurt others?”
Ryder’s expression darkened. I remembered what he’d done before, how he’d been forced to kill his own father because no one else in his clan could step up to the task. I knew that I couldn’t ask Ryder to kill again. That was too much of a burden to put on anyone.
Yet, Alvin could not be allowed to live. Could I be the one to take his life? I didn’t know if I had it in me. I’d killed Harvey. Everything in me said that he couldn’t be allowed to live, because he would keep hurting others, and I couldn’t allow him to do that.
I wasn’t sure if I wanted that stain on my soul again. Though I could feel the cool breath of death whispering in my ear, I didn’t want to answer. I’d been given the responsibility as judge, somehow. Death waited beside me, ready to take those who didn’t deserve the air they breathed. How could I act as executioner, too?
I didn’t want either responsibility. Not for the first time, I wished I could have been a wolf just like everyone else. I wished that when I’d completed my first shift, I’d opened my eyes to wolf paws on the ground instead of my black-furred hound paws.
“Ness?” Ryder asked softly.
I shook myself, but I couldn’t escape the cold breath on the back of my neck. Death was waiting. Who would it take when it left?
Ryder? Myself? Or could I give it the soul that I wanted removed from this world once and for all?
“I know the witch can’t be trusted, but I think we should pay her another visit. Maybe if we can get her to tell us what she did, then we can have Cerri undo it.” Ryder lifted his brows hopefully.
I nodded, though I wasn’t convinced. The ritual’s arcana was still there, deep inside me. With every passing moment, it burrowed deeper and deeper. I could summon the icy arcana I’d discovered recently, but not even that was enough to hold the ritual’s magic back.
If I slept again, would the ritual’s magic overcome me? Would Cerri even be able to help?
Alvin had hurt her. He’d taken my best friend and punished her for what I’d done. I doubted she wanted to talk to me yet. The last time I saw her, she’d been catatonic. I owed her an apology, but she probably wasn’t ready.
Without thinking, I grasped at Ryder’s shirt and pulled him closer, so I could bury my face in his chest. His scent had returned, so much stronger now that he was no longer bound to Beryl. He’d told me how Beryl had tested his limits the last time she’d taken him.
Now that Ryder was no longer under the Unseelie Queen’s control, I wondered if I could have him all to myself. How many times had Beryl whisked him away right as he’d been about to tell me something? I didn’t have to worry about that anymore.
Maybe now, we could have an actual conversation.
“Let’s go back to bed.” Ryder lifted me from the counter.
Turning, he carried me back to the bedroom where he gently set me onto the bed. Ryder curled around me while my mind churned. By the time I managed to get my thoughts in order, Ryder snored beside me.
Maybe, in the morning, we could talk. Tonight, I settled in beside him and did my best to stave off sleep for as long as I could.
* * *
I bolted upright with a gasp.The bed was empty. I frantically searched the room for any sign of Ryder. Cold sweat dried into a sticky mess on my skin while my heart raced. Though I tried to calm the panic making me shake, I could barely breathe.
Where was Ryder? The rumbled sheets weren’t stained with blood. I counted that as a blessing after the night we’d had. The fact that I’d woken in the bed and not elsewhere was another good sign.
Those small details helped me get ahold of myself. I turned inward, searching for the ritual’s arcana. It was still there, dormant beneath my skin. I could push and tug at it, but that magic wasn’t going anywhere. The magic was stubborn, even more than me.
I buried my face in my hands and sighed. My spine prickled. Shooting upright, I scanned the room again. There was no one here with me, but the feeling of being watched never went away. The ritual arcana rippled in answer to something.
It felt like Alvin had put a leash on me, and I was afraid of the moment he tugged that leash. Swallowing, I threw my feet to the ground. If I put as much distance between myself and Ryder as possible, then maybe he would be safe. Alvin would stop at nothing to get control of the Lakesedge pack again, even if that meant killing Ryder.
I was a danger to everyone around me. In the kitchen, I stopped and sighed, my gaze fixed on the coffeemaker. Though the quiet morning seemed normal, I couldn’t help but worry about all that loomed over my head.
Reaching for the coffeemaker, I paused.
Behind me, the door flew open. I flinched and spun. My hound prepared herself for an assault, but it was only Ryder in the doorway. He stood tall with two paper bags in his arms. He hooked his foot around the door and closed it behind him with gentle ease while he watched me cautiously.