“What’s that,” he asks. His chest is heaving. Looking at him so vulnerable, I wonder whether those butterflies have turned into a flock of crazed birds. I know my chest is filled with them, they taunt me, pecking at my happiness with their unforgivingbeaks.
“Your happiness. Your heart. Our happiness as a family. That is why I am fighting for all of us. This isn’t just about you. It’s about Bryce and Max too. When we all came together something magical happened. Four lost souls brought together by fate, serendipity. I don’t know. Whatever the hell it was, our love together began to heal us. No matter what Bryce and Max say, I know that if you don’t come back, then this won’t last.” My heart feels like a goddamn mountain of rock filling my chest at the confession. I didn’t want to believe it, but I know that eventually love wouldn’t be enough to keep us all together. “I love you all, and I will not let you go without a goddamn fight.” Now I am the one who is breathingheavily.
“I can’t give you my happiness, because I don’t feel it. I can’t give you my heart, because I’ve never given it to anyone. And family? Max and Bryce are my family, that’s what I know.” He turns to walk away, but I grab him again. That light touch is like a physical blow, and he stumbles away from me. He stops, shaking with more than just rage. He shakes with fear, not fear of me, but what I represent. Love is frightening when you have come from a place that never hadit.
“NO!” he shouts, rounding onme.
I am immovable. I do not flinch. “I thought you were tougher than this? Scratch that. I know you are fucking tougher than this, Hudson. Your mother took something precious from you every time she laid a hand on you, beat you. She took what everyone else takes for granted, your ability to give and receive love, but you got it back, with me, withusas afamily. Don’t fucking walk away from that.” I am seething with anger, frustration, with my own damn fear. I hadn’t expected it to get so heated, so soon. This is not how I’d played out our eveningtogether.
Hudson breathes heavily through his nose, fists clenched, body rigid, fighting an internal battle that wages war inside. The emotion of this conversation is like all the months we’ve spent together wrapped up in one moment. But I know he’s strong enough, he just has to take a step, one step towards me and our future. I can’t go to him, this has to be hisdecision.
We glare at each other for what seems like eternity, until eventually Hudson rocks on his bare feet. His right foot lifts, and for a wonderful moment happiness fills my heart in the belief that he is willing to take a chance. Then my blood turns to acid, and the frantic birds inside my ribcage turn to stone and drop to the pit of my stomach as Hudson spins on his feet and walksaway.