“Baby, can you remember, we would share a beanbag and you would read to me? I used to stay in at playtime to listen to your stories. I was a better person when I was with you because I loved you.”
My fingers stroke her arm just how she likes. “Let me love you again. Come back to me, Steph. I’m begging you, baby. Come back to me.” My voice waivers as I drop my head against her arm, holding her hand in mine.
“I don’t wanna do life without you.” My shoulders shake as the emotion takes hold, and I let myself cry for the first time.
A chair scrapes along the floor. I turn around to Justin in his work clothes, clearing his throat. “I didn’t mean to interrupt. How’s she doing?”
“No change.” I wipe my nose on my sleeve and run a hand over my face. Justin probably knows I’ve been sitting here sobbing like a chick, but I couldn’t give a fuck.
He places a hand on my shoulder. “You should go home, take some time off. Spend time with your boy. I’ve finished work for the day now. I can stay with her until Sue and John arrive.”
“I want to be here if she wakes up. I need to be here.”
“Mate, at least have a shower.”
I lift my arm and know he’s right. “Will you call me if there’s any change?”
“Sure. Caleb must miss the both of you terribly. Bring him with you tomorrow. Having him close might help her wake up. The doctors said there’s no brain damage, so we just need to pray she wakes up soon.”
“I’ll do that. Thanks, pal.” I rub my hands over my face and stand to give her another peck on the lips before I go.
Justin places his hand on my shoulder again. “I’m glad she has you. I know we haven’t always got on, but I can see how much you care for her.”
I huff inwardly. If he knew the truth. The truth. Thinking about it brings the acid up from my stomach and coats the lump in my throat.
“Look, I’m no saint. But you’re right about one thing. I care about her. I fucking love her with everything I have, and I’ll spend the rest of my life showing her, if she’ll let me.”
* * *
Grey clouds billowabove the church spire. Though even with the threat of thunder, everything is peaceful, like the calm before the storm. There’s a stillness as if we’re in the eye of the tornado, and everything around me whirls into oblivion.
Entering the church, you could hear a pin drop. The eerie quietness deafens me. I walk down the aisle. All eyes are on me. I swallow, pushing down the prickling lump that’s taken up residence in my throat. Caleb cries out. His screams pierce my ears, making my blood curdle. I bounce him in my arms. “Shh, shh. Daddy’s here.” But it’s not me he wants. It’s her.
A small ray of light pours through the stained glass window, shining down on the white open casket. The shiny gloss surface and silver handles remind me of Jax’s funeral. Red roses surround her auburn hair as she lays peacefully still. I’d asked for her to wear her red dress and red lipstick. That’s how I remember her. How I’ll always remember my girl, my woman.
“Mammam,” Caleb cries out, opening his hands to her. His body stiffens in my arms as he tries to get to his mother. The organ plays, though all I hear is a ringing in my ears, and Caleb’s screams.
“Mummy’s sleeping, mate.” A tear drips from my lashes. Mum strokes my arm and takes Caleb from me with saddened eyes. Without Caleb in my arms to give me strength, I lean on the casket to hold myself up. A loose strand of hair covers her painted rosy cheek, and I sweep it back with my fingers. Her icy cold skin sends a chill down my spine.
“Baby, you’re so cold.” Another tear drips on her face as I lean over and take her hands in mine. “I’ll warm you up.”
Dean places his hand on my back. “Mate, come and sit down, yeah?”
“No, she’s too cold. I need to keep her warm.” I interlace our fingers, clasping us together.
“Mate,” Dean whispers. “Everyone’s watching.”
I turn to the congregation, taking pity on me, but I couldn’t give a fuck. “My Steph needs me.”
“Mate. Come and hold your son. He needs you.” Dean takes my hand, separating our fingers.
I let go. The emptiness grows inside me, making me numb. The chill from her body spreads through every cell as if slowly turning my heart to stone. Stepping back, I stumble, but Dean holds me up, guiding me to the pew next to Mum.
The service is a blur. The vicar said some nice things about her, and so did Justin, but nobody knew her like I did. She was mine, and I wasn’t there for her when she needed me. Our last words haunt my day and the emptiness of her haunts my night.
Before I know it, I’m in Dean’s car with Mum and Caleb, stepping out at the cemetery. Rain beats down on the windshield, and Mum holds an umbrella over her and Caleb. I welcome the rain, holding my head to the heavens, feeling it on my face. A crack of white light flashes through a dark cloud, and I almost wish it will strike me down so I can be with her.
Caleb’s cries jolt me back to reality. I have to live for him. Our son and my girls. I have to go on and be the best dad I can be. I couldn’t be there for her, but I can do this. Another crack in the sky mimics Caleb’s piercing screams. I’d hold him, but I can barely hold myself together.