A beep sounds from the car making me jolt back to the present and I remember to put on my seatbelt. Fuck. If she doesn’t make it, what will I tell our son? That I killed his mother because I was so fucking selfish?
Seeing her happy with someone else made my insides twist. I wanted to make her jealous, because I could, not because I wanted her back. I do want her back though, and I’ve only just realised I can’t live without that woman.
The setting sun blinds my eyes, and I pull the visor down. The dark clouds mixed with the raging red and yellow hues match the turmoil in my mind. Life isn’t worth living if she’s not in it. All I see now is red, as if the sky is set alight. A fiery furnace of hell that I must face without her.
My dry throat feels like I’ve swallowed a cactus. Prickling tears coat the lump that, no matter how hard I swallow, just will not budge.
I’ve never been one for prayers, but please, God, let her be all right. I’ll do anything. Just let her be all right.
Entering the hospital, I follow the signs for the ICU. The smell of disinfectant catches in my nose, causing a shiver down my spine. The last time I was here was with Rachel and Jax. A cold numbness creeps over my skin, causing the hairs to prickle on my neck.
Walking into the waiting area, I choke up when I see Justin sitting on the plastic seating with his hands together as if in prayer.
I stand in front of him. “Can I see her?”
He looks up at me and rubs his hands on his work jeans. “Her parents have just gone in. They’re only letting two in at a time.”
I take a seat opposite him. My hand shakes as I run it through my hair, pulling the strands off my face. “Where’s the car?” I don’t even care about the fucking car. I don’t even know why I asked that?
“It’s a write-off.” He points to her bag and a plastic carrier bag at the side. “They emptied the car. Here’s all her belongings. I’ve taken the key for her house so I can get her some things and bring them to the hospital tomorrow.”
“I can sort that out. I have a key.”
He nods, pressing his lips together, looking around the waiting room at anything but me. “Where’s Caleb?”
I clear my throat. “My Mum has him.” Another long pause. The air is thick between us. My mouth contorts as the taste of disinfectant lodges in the back of my throat. “What about Cassie and Cairen?”
“Sam, her sister, has them.”
Her mum, Sue, enters the small room holding on to her dad, John. I haven’t seen them in years, but they haven’t changed much, just older. She dabs a tissue under her eyes and sniffles. “You can see her now, Justin.”
I stand and step in front of Justin. “If anyone’s going to see her, it’s me.”
Her mum’s teary eyes meet mine. She gasps and grips her husband’s arm. “You’ve got a nerve showing your face here. Get out. You’re not welcome here.” Her usual fierce voice waivers, matching the wobble in her stance as she yells at me.
Justin stands. “Sue, he’s Caleb’s dad. He has a right to be here.” Is this dude actually sticking up for me?
“Being a sperm donor doesn’t make him a father.” She scowls at me as though I chose this.
My body tenses, holding back every muscle to stay calm. “That’s not fair, and you know it.”
“You don’t care about her. All you do is cause her grief. It’s your fault she’s in here.” She wails and leans on Steph’s dad.
“Sue, he wasn’t driving the car. We don’t know what happened,” John, her dad, says.
If they knew the truth, they’d never let me near her again. I let out a long breath and rub my eyes.
John comforts Sue as she breaks down in tears.
A nurse comes over to us. “Visiting is closing in around thirty minutes. Only partners or next of kin allowed.”
“Let’s get home, Sue. The hospital will call if there’s any change. Nothing we can do here.” John guides her out, nodding at Justin as he passes the nurse.
“Can I go in next?” I ask Justin.
“I’m sorry sir, only immediate family allowed,” the nurse says.
“I am family.” I glance at Justin, hoping he won’t contradict me.