CAL
What the fuck is wrong with me? Fuck, I’ve messed things up good and proper now. She’s never gonna talk to me again. All this because I arranged a date with some bird. I didn’t even want to fucking go out. I just wanted to make her jealous, and it’s backfired.
I creep up the stairs to check on Caleb, who’s fast asleep in his cot. As I walk by her bedroom door, I hear her whimpers. I think about going in but don’t know what to say or do.Sorry would be a start. Steph’s voice in my head, she’s right, but the words aren’t gonna cut it this time.
My stomach feels like it’s been through a laundry cycle on a high-speed spin, and my heart’s shrivelled as if starved of love. I make my way downstairs and settle on the couch, staring at the ceiling. The last thing I want to do is hurt her.
I do love her, but every time I look at her, resentment bubbles under the surface. All the hours I’ve missed with my boy haunt me. I can’t get past it. It’s going to always be this thing between us. It’s not entirely her fault—I know that—but if she’d told my mum about him, things would have been very different. I’ve done plenty of shit in the past and lord knows she’s forgiven me for it. How or why I’ll never know. I want to forgive her and move on, I really do.
* * *
A whistle jolts me awake,and I pull a cushion over my face, hoping I can get ten more minutes of shut-eye. I turn onto my side and fuck, my back is stiff. I don’t know how many more nights of sleeping on Steph’s sofa I can take.Don’t worry, I think that was your last night.The memories of the evening come flooding back like a dream or nightmare.
There’s a rustling coming from the kitchen. I force myself up and stretch my arms up with a yawn. I’ve no idea what happened to my shirt, but I have my jeans on. With a tight chest, I step into the kitchen, ready to face the music and grovel.
Steph is dressed for work in a pencil skirt and cream blouse. Her hair is curled, and she’s done her makeup like she’s made an effort, though no amount of makeup can conceal the bags under her eyes. I wouldn’t be surprised if she hasn’t slept all night. I know I haven’t. She stands near the sink with a coffee in one hand and a slice of toast in the other. Her eyes move down my body, narrowing as they return to my face.
“Steph, I’m—“
“I want you gone while I’m at work. Pack up all your shit and go.”
“But I—”
She holds a hand up, cutting me off. “You can take Caleb. I’ll collect him from your mother’s after work, and I can drop him off again each morning. You can have him in the day, and I’ll have him in the evening. That way, we don’t see each other.”
Have things become that bad that we can’t even see each other? “Steph, it doesn’t have to be this way.”
Her bottom lip quivers, and she pulls it between her teeth. “I have to go. I can’t keep doing this with you. It’s just too hard. I know you feel nothing for me, but as the mother of your child, please respect my wishes. That’s all I ask.” She throws the remaining coffee in the sink and tosses the crust from her toast in the bin. “Caleb’s asleep still. There’s milk in the freezer. Take what you need.”
“I’m sorry, Steph.”
“Save it. I just want you out of my house.” She walks past me, collecting her bag from the hall, and then the door shuts. I bang the back of my head against the wall in frustration. How the fuck can I mess things up so badly? More importantly, how the fuck can I put this right?
* * *
“Hello,my darling. Have you come to see your nanny?” Mum’s eyes are drawn to Caleb in my arms as I walk into her living room.
Caleb babbles to his nanny, waving his arms around. Drool dribbles from his mouth as he smiles and gurgles at her. Mum takes him from me along with the dinosaur teddy and truck under my arm.
“I’ll be sleeping here until I go back to Australia. I think it’s for the best.”Steph kicked you out, you mean.
“Does that mean I get to spend all day with my gorgeous grandson?” She carries him through to the kitchen and sits him in the highchair she bought for when he visits. “Have you had lunch?”
“Not yet. Can you watch him while I get the rest of my stuff from the car?”
“Of course. Have you got some dinner for him?”
“Yeah, I’ll grab it.”
“Dad, is Caleb here?” Livvie shouts, running down the stairs.
“Hey, lollipop. Nanny has him in the kitchen.”
Bethy follows bounding down the stairs after Livvie runs past me, and Bethy launches herself from the middle of the stairs into my arms. “Daddy.”
“Hey, boo.” I kiss her cheek, and she squeezes me tight, giving me the boost of energy I need to get through the day.
“Can I sleep at your friend’s house tonight?”