She pulls her cardigan together, covering the stain on her top and stands to the side, allowing me to enter. Her hallway is smaller than mine in my old apartment. I stumble over a small shoe and a school bag that’s dumped at the side.
Walking into her living room, it’s simple but homely. She fluffs a cushion and waves her hand for me to sit. There's a glass of red on the coffee table and a half empty bottle along with a book. “Can I get you a drink or anything?”
I shake my head, dragging a hand over my face. She spins on her heel, but I catch her wrist, her breath hitches and her green eyes latch onto mine.
“Is he in bed? I want to see him.” I was hoping I’d get to give him a bottle or tuck him in.
“He’s at Justin’s tonight.”
“What? You wouldn’t let me spend time alone with my son, but you let Jumped-up fucking Justin have him overnight?” My fist clenches, thinking of him with golden balls. I stand and pull my keys from my pocket as I walk towards the door.
“Where are you going?”
“To get my son.”
“Cal, it’s late. You can see him tomorrow.”
“You’ve already stolen five months from me. I won’t give up any more time. Don’t ask me to.” I swing open her front door.
“Wait. Please.” She slips on her pumps in the small hallway. My chest grows tighter with every passing second my boy’s withhim.
I get into Mum’s Peugeot. My leg shakes waiting for her to lock her door. Could she go any more fucking slower?
She slips into the passenger seat, and I press on the accelerator before she buckles up. Speeding off the drive. I can’t get there quick enough. The sooner I get Caleb, the better. I can’t think straight knowing he’s with him.
“What the fuck is he doing at Justin’s, anyway?”
“He came to pick the kids up and I wasn’t feeling too well. He offered to have him for the night as he’s off work tomorrow. Gives me a break.”
“If anyone should have him for the night, it’s me. I’m his fucking dad.” I glance at her, taking my eyes off the darkening road for a second.
“Well, you haven’t been here, Cal. Justin helps me out sometimes. How do you think it’s been for me? Alone.”
I take the corner too fast, accelerating with clenched fists wrapped around the steering wheel. “How the fuck do you think it’s been for me, Steph? Don’t you think this has destroyed me?”
“I’m sorry. I never meant to hurt anyone, least of all you, but Justin’s been there for me.”
“If boy fucking wonder is so perfect, why the hell did you keep turning up at my door? Did you even mean all that shit you wrote in that book?”
“You know I did.”
* * *
The leather creaksunder me as I shift in the seat. My chest burns thinking that he would hold on to Justin’s finger and look upon him as his daddy with those big brown eyes.
It should have been me rubbing her back after a long day, running her a bath, holding her hair back when she had morning sickness. It should have been my hands on her belly, not his. I slam my palm against the leather on the steering wheel.
Steph flinches. “Let’s go home, Cal. It’s late. You can stay the night and we can stay up and talk like we used to.”
Talking’s the last thing I want to do. The whole time I was pining for her, and she was playing happy fucking families with my son. The one woman I love most has betrayed me in the worst possible way.
“I don’t want to talk. All I want to do is hold my boy.”
The brakes screech as I pull up outside her old house. “I take it he still lives here?”
She nods with a blotchy face, sniffling on her cardigan sleeve. “Please, Cal. He’ll be asleep now.” She wipes her eye, smearing the black streaks on her face across her cheek. “You don’t even have a car seat.”
“So? We’ll get golden balls car seat. I can see it from here in his fucking Mercedes. He won’t be needing it again.”