“Can I see him tomorrow?”
“Sure. I’m free in the evening. Come round to the house if you like.”
“Fuck. I can’t tomorrow. Liv’s got tickets to watch her old dance school perform. I can’t ask mum to take them. She’s been a little under the weather lately.”
“All right.”
I don’t want to leave it another day before I see him again. “I can take him tomorrow day.”
“I’m helping out a friend. It’s her son’s first birthday party. Besides, he may not settle with you. You need to get to know each other.”
I ball my fists every time she says that. “I’m his dad, for fuck’s sake.”
Caleb cries again. He’s getting ratty, just like me.
“I’m going to get going. I’ll see you in a few days.”
I take Caleb from her. He stops crying and pulls on my hair as he studies my face. “I’ll see you soon, little dude.” I strap him in his pushchair and round the kids up.
* * *
“How was the show?”Mum asks the girls as we walk into the house.
“Nanny, it was great. You would have liked it.”
Mum strokes Livvie’s cheek. “I know, darling. I’ll come next time when I’m not all bunged up with cold.”
“Are you feeling any better, Mum?”
“A little. My headache’s gone.”
“Can we stay up and watch telly, Dad?” Bethy asks.
I glance at my watch. “All right, get your pyjamas on and clean your teeth, though.” I pat Bethy’s bottom as she follows Livvie out of the room.
It’s not too late. Maybe I can still drive over to Steph’s. “Mum, will you watch the girls?”
“Of course, you don’t even need to ask.”
I snatch the car keys from the side before bolting out the door into the setting sun. The crisp air prickles my skin, but a warmth spreads through me at the thought of seeing my boy again.
The thirty-minute drive to her house seems to take forever. I can’t stop thinking of all the things I’ve missed. All his firsts. I was there for every single fucking thing with my girls from the pregnancy test, the scans, the first time Priya felt them kick in her belly, not to mention their birth. Steph’s taken all that away from me.
My throat prickles as I remember Jax. I spent all day putting furniture together. A wardrobe, cot, changing table, bookcase. We decorated his room with jungle animals in greens and blues.
The day after Rachel gave birth, and we came home empty-handed, I packed it all away. Neither of us wanted the reminder. We gave it all to a local children’s charity, all except a few items that Rachel wanted to keep in a box with his scan pictures.
Seeing Caleb has resurfaced old memories that I thought I’d dealt with, but the pain never went away. It was just hidden. Does the emptyness ever go away?
I pull up on Steph’s driveway. Her new home is different from her previous mansion. She’s slumming it in comparison. I glance in the rearview mirror and see my eyes are bloodshot, but I really don’t give a fuck.
Before knocking on her door, I take in a few deep breaths.
There’s no answer, but her car’s here, so she must be in. I knock again, harder this time, and a light flicks on in the hallway.
The door opens slowly. “Cal.” She runs a hand over her messy hair and tightens the ponytail. “I wasn’t expecting you. Everything all right?”
“Can I come in?”