STEPH
Now the birthday celebrations are over, I take the pregnancy test out of my bag when everyone goes to lunch. Nobody asks me to go to the pub anymore, as I usually say no and eat a sandwich at my desk while I read Cal’s journal.
Walking to the toilets with my bag on my shoulder, my stomach flips like I have triplets in there jumping on a trampoline. I lock myself in a cubicle and hang my bag on the back of the door. I still can’t decide how I feel about it and what I want the result to be.
It would be much easier to not have to keep my betrayal a secret and carry on as I am on this treadmill that I can’t seem to get off. But each time I think of being with Cal and carrying his child, my stomach flutters and my heart feels like it’s going to burst like a party popper full of confetti.
I haven’t stopped thinking about the possibility all weekend. I imagine calling him. He’d get on the first plane and come home to me. We will make things work somehow.
After peeing on the test, I place it on top of the loo roll holder and sit on top of the seat, waiting for it to change. My chest tightens, and my leg won’t stop shaking. I shouldn’t be doing this alone. Cal should be here with me, although the last time we did this left a lot to be desired.
I almost daren’t look at the small window. Even if I’m positive, I need to book a scan and get a date of conception. The scan can calculate the baby’s growth and give me an exact date. I can’t have Cal flying halfway around the world to find out it’s Justin’s.
The thought of it being Justin’s makes me heave. I don’t want anymore ties to him than I already have.
A faint line appears on the test. With my fuzzy brain, I double check the stick, is it one line, two, or a cross? It’s been so long since I did one of these things, I can’t even remember what I’m looking for.
One line equals not pregnant and two lines equals pregnant.
A second faint line appears. The lines blur to spots in my vision and I lean back on the toilet as everything goes dizzy.
Dread claws at my throat, making it difficult to breathe. My shoulders curl inwards and I hold my throat, then my hand moves to my stomach.
I hug myself, knowing there’s the miracle of life inside me. Taking deep, controlled breaths, I stand and take the stick to the sink. The lines grow darker with every passing second, and there’s no doubt I’m pregnant.
The door bursts open, making me jump. “Steph?”
My head snaps to the side as Kelly walks in.
“Are you all right? You look as if you’ve seen a ghost.”
With a trembling hand, I show her the stick.
Her hands cover her face as she forms an O with her mouth. “Did you plan this?”
I huff. “No.” Heat swathes my skin and the toilets close in on me. “I need some air.”
“Come on, let’s sit down.” She holds the door open, and I float back to my desk, still dazed.
Plopping down in my chair, Kelly sits next to me. “Do you want me to cover for you? Take the rest of the day off. Go home to Justin.”
“No. Please don’t tell anyone yet. I need to sort things out.”
“My lips are sealed.” She moves her fingers over mouth, zipping them shut.
“I need to make an appointment with the midwife. Have you heard from Cal since he moved to Australia?”
“No, have you?”
I shake my head. “I think he’s blocked me. Would you call him?”
“What, now? Isn’t it around midnight now over there?”
“I just want to know if it’s me he’s blocked, or if he’s changed his number. If it rings, I know it’s me. I just need to know why.”
She pulls her phone out and taps the green icon next to his name. “There’s a flat tone. Nothing.”
I let out a breath, happy that he hasn’t blocked me. “Do you know how I can contact him?”