He nods before turning back around to go sit down. I head up to Dr. Lyce, and she holds her door open for me.
When I walk in, I immediately want to walk out of her minimally decorated office the second I lay eyes on that couch numerous people have probably sat on, spilling the darkest, shittier inner workings of their minds.
But it’s too late now.
I sit down on the couch, and as Dr. Lyce takes her seat, I wipe my palms.
“It’s Alana, by the way,” I inform her as she gets situated.
She glances at me over her glasses, surprise on her face for only a moment before she acclimates.
“Well, Alana, it’s nice to meet you,” she says in that reassuring therapist voice. “First, I want to say I’m relieved you made it back unharmed and that your baby is okay. I know that was a difficult ordeal.”
“It wasn’t anything less than the usual shit Megan gets herself in,” I tell her honestly.
“Why do you say that?” she asks, her eyebrow raised.
“That’s just the kind of thing Megan’s good at. She’s always getting herself into shit like that.”
“It sounds like you blame Megan for what happened,” she points out.
“I do,” I confirm, matter of factly. “That’s all she’s ever done.”
“What’s your relationship like with Megan?” she prods.
“We don’t have one,” I say with a shrug. “But I’m sure from your sessions with her, I know you’re already well aware I’m the problem child out of the three of us.”
“I don’t have any preconceived notions about you, Alana,” she reassures me. “I’ve only heard of you from a biased source that doesn’t quite know you. I take nothing of what I’ve heard from your counterparts and let it dictate our sessions, so you can let go of any worries about what I might have heard already. I want to hear from you. This is our first time meeting, and I’d like to make sure you get back to a good place after what you’ve been through, if you’re okay with that.”
Already, my head is spinning. I wasn’t expecting that. Therapists like to say they don’t judge their patients, but I don’t believe that shit for one second. They’re human, after all. Of course, they’re going to be critical, even if it is just in secret. It’s not like I give a shit about what she thinks about me, but I know she has her own opinions formed by now. But at least this time, I have a dog in this fight. It doesn’t sound like she’s on anyone’s side or likes one of us more than the other. I didn’t think I’d want to start talking so soon, but this is a chance to get all this shit off my chest, to explain it all to someone who also knows Megan that doesn’t see me as the bad guy.
“Where do you want me to start?” I ask her.
“How about why you’re here to see me today,” she suggests.
“Well, Veronica made the appointment, and then Cal convinced me to come.”
“But he didn’t make you.”
“Of course, he didn’t. I’m an adult.” I tell her, irritated.
“You came when you didn’thaveto,” she points out. “Is there anything that’s been on your mind that you want to discuss? Anything about your time in Cancun? About your relationship with Megan and Veronica? Your early childhood?”
I scrunch my nose up at her. I don’t want to talk about any of that. Still, all of it needs to be laid out in the open, especially if I’m going to achieve anything in the short time before the baby comes.
“I need to get Megan and Veronica to come to some kind of understanding with me,” I start. “Being trapped in Cancun made me realize we can’t be as divided as we are, not when we’re about to have a kid. We’ve already wasted so much time, and now there’s only a little while left before we’re supposed to push this baby out. I don’t want to bring it into this world with how dysfunctional we are at the moment. I haven’t really tuned in to any of the sessions Megan and Veronica have come to. Veronica wouldn’t shut the hell up about integration.”
The astonishment that crosses her face this time doesn’t leave so quickly.
“You and Veronica communicate?” She questions me.
“Only recently. She wouldn’t stop talking in Cancun.”
“How was it having her talk to you?”
I bite down on my back teeth because I don’t want to admit it. But this is all for the baby.
“I hated it at first, but then I got used to her, and she turned out to be helpful to an extent.”