19
ADDIE
“Have you spoken to Manic?”Trix asked, handing me a drink.
We were in the living room at Cassy and Cal’s ranch, and it’d been several days since I sent Manic away. It felt like weeks, months, since I’d seen him.
Leaving the cottage was the last thing I’d wanted to do, but Eves and Lila had come to my place and told me I was going with them, no arguments. So here I was.
I sipped my drink, needing the courage. “We text, but I haven’t actually spoken to him or seen him.” Every morning, I got a text saying,morning, baby. And in the evening, he’d tell me about his day and tell me good night. He didn’t ask me questions, never demanding a response, just letting me know he was there without any pressure.
I cried every time.
Eves wrapped her arm around my shoulders. “Whatever you need, you know we’re here for you. Anything at all.”
I didn’t have to tell them that my heart was broken, or that I wished I wasn’t like this, that I felt sick with guilt for hurting Manic, or that I missed him so much, it physically hurt—because they just knew.
They didn’t try to offer solutions or platitudes or judgment. They supported me unconditionally. Loved me unconditionally. I didn’t know why I could be close to them right now and not Manic. Maybe because I met them before losing Macy, before I fell back into the dark place I was now.
“I saw my therapist yesterday,” I said. “It felt good to talk things through. She helps me get everything sorted out in my head, you know?” I glanced at Lila. “Has Riff said anything about Manic? Is he okay?”
“Manic’s a big boy, Adds. I know it’s hard, but you need to focus on you,” Lila said. “He’ll be fine. He only wants what’s best for you.”
I hugged myself. “He’s not angry with me?”
“No,” Lila said. “He cares about you.”
Her words struck like a dagger to the heart, and there was no holding back my wince. “God, I miss him.”
“I know,” Cassy said, her eyes full of sympathy and understanding. “But you need to take care of you first.” If anyone could relate, it was Cassy. She’d lost her brother in a horrific car accident and had been injured herself trying to save him.
These women knew all my secrets, and I knew they’d been worried about me. “I hadn’t planned on going away with Manic. Things just snowballed from there. I never meant for any of this to happen, but I’ve never met anyone like him.”
“So he really kidnapped you?” Lila said, her soft chuckle making me smile.
“Yeah. I woke up halfway to Colorado. It was insane.” My belly flipped. “He’s kind of amazing.”
Their faces brightened.
I bit my lip and my eyes stung. “But as soon as he mentioned me wearing his property patch, everything in me seized. I have all this…god, this fear. I thought I had things under control.” I shook my head. “Noah came in to see me the other day, and a lot of feelings came rushing back, my fear of getting close to people, that I’ll lose them, too.”
“Did you talk to Manic about it?”
“Yeah.” I took another sip of my drink. “He said he’d wait for me.”
Eves took my hand. “Then he meant it.”
Oh, I knew he did. The question was, if he did come back when I was finally ready, would he want to stay? What if this happened again? Sometimes, I sunk so deep that it was hard to see a way out. “It’s a lot to lay on someone, you know?”
“So you’re holding back from him,” Trix said.
“We’ve only been together such a short time,” I said almost desperately.
“But you’ve known him for a hell of a lot longer than that. You guys have been friends all this time. Granted, you were friends who wanted to screw each other’s brains out, but I saw the way you two would get wrapped up in each other. Everyone would be partying around you, and the pair of you would be deep in conversation, totally lost in each other,” Lila said.
She was right. I’d wanted him, cared about him for a lot longer than a couple months. God, I didn’t want to live like this.
“You need to be honest with him, Adds, don’t hold back. The guy’s got broad shoulders, he can take it,” Quinn said and softened what she’d said by topping off my glass.