“Okay.” She’s still fighting tears. This isn’t like her and isn’t about the band.
“Stop avoiding my question. What happened? Is Dan back on the scene?”
“No! He’s gone, moved somewhere else with another girl. I don’t know where, a bloody long way I hope.”
“But I haven’t seen you like this before, not for a long time. Is this because of me?” I ask.
Ruby fixes me with a curious look. “Don’t flatter yourself, Jem Jones.” I smile and she half-smiles back. “What did you want?”
“You.”
The words echo our first meeting and she recognises my lame attempt to reach out. “This time do you mean Ruby Riot or me?”
I tuck my hands into my pockets, playing over the rehearsed words. They all sound wrong but so right at the same time. “You. I miss you.”
“Well, you’ll spend plenty of time with me on tour in a couple of months.” She stands. “The guys are in the bar if you want to chat to them. I’m sure they’d love to know you came to see us.”
“I came to seeyou.”
Her hands tremble and the fought-back tears are ripping me apart. Something’s wrong. She could be lying about Dan. I scan her naked skin for signs of bruises, but nothing.
“Why? So you can screw around with my feelings again?” Ruby would’ve snapped this, but she’s Ruby Tuesday and speaks with a defeated hurt.
My mouth parches, “I didn’t mean to. I just fucked things up like everything else.”
Ruby rubs her head as she considers what to say. “You probably did the right thing; we would’ve hurt each other more than we already did.”
“You think?”
“We can’t give the whole of ourselves, so how could we avoid this happening eventually?” she says quietly.
No, Ruby is wrong, and I know this is it. I have one chance. If opening the final part of my heart to Ruby doesn’t work, I’ll know there’s no future. If there’s no chance for us, I can shovel away all the crap in my life in one day, and start again.
I meet her eyes. “I already gave you the whole of myself, Ruby, that’s why I got scared and pushed you away.”
“Stop, Jem.” The tears fill her eyes again and her voice is thick as she looks away.
I take a ragged breath and the words fall out, because if I stop them they’ll never find their way to the ears of the girl who needs to hear. “You have a part of me. You always had a part of me, Ruby.” I resist the urge to stare at my feet, instead willing her to look at me too. “I came here because I have to tell you the truth. I’ve lied to us both.”
“Jem. Please,” she says hoarsely.
I push on. “I was scared to admit what was happening. Terrified of the emptiness I’d be left with if I gave you too much and then you took everything away.”
Ruby makes a derisive sound. “So you told me to leave? How am I supposed to believe what you’re saying, Jem?”
“I threw us away because the reality scared the hell out of me.”
She turns her reddened eyes to me. “No, you threw us away because you can’t love.”
Shit. I rub my temples. Why the hell am I putting myself through this?
“You’ve come here to tell me…what?” she continues when I don’t respond. “That you care and want to try again? I don’t have anything for you, Jem, not right now because you left me empty too.”
“What do I have to say to make you understand what you mean to me?”
She shakes her head. “Just tell the truth.”
I snatch the glimmer of forgiveness and move closer; there’s a chance she’ll let me in? Hesitantly, I touch Ruby’s damp hair. “I’m lost without you. Hell, I’ve spent most of my life lost, but this time I’m fucked. All the colour in my life left because you’re not with me.” I pause and whisper, “Every song I hear makes me think of you.”