11
Ruby
The days slidethrough my fingers as I try to catch time and slow it down. I’m not ready to face Dan yet. Ruby Riot is rehearsing several nights a week now, up from the one Sunday afternoon session. Dan only knows about Sundays, the day he comes with me. He works some evenings and I match the extra rehearsals to those; that way Dan doesn’t know I’m going and we don’t argue about it. Jax is pissed off with me at rehearsals because the anxiety over whether Dan will find out affects my performance.
What can I do? Dan said no more gigs after dickhead Jax decided to touch me in front of him, so what choice do I have? I have to take the risk and do this behind Dan’s back even though I’m terrified he’ll find out. He won’t. Dan’s work timetable is rigid and he spends more time there than at home anyway. Jem will give up on us if we don’t maintain extra commitment. Then the band would hate me. And if I lost Ruby Riot, I’ve lost everything.
Our rehearsal space is a room above a pub in Box Hill, a popular place for small student bands and where I met the Ruby Riot boys a little over a year ago. The band was the three of them back then, and Jax lead singer. After the gig, he hit on one of my friends and invited her back to the guys’ house. Because we didn’t know them and I wanted to make sure Cathy would be okay, I went too.
This was back when Dan wasn’t as bad as now, his controlling behaviour insidious. He’d allow me out alone in the evenings without an argument, although he’d come up with spurious reasons for me to stay home with him. No threats, just careful manipulation. Only when I became involved with Ruby Riot did things take an ugly turn.
That night, Jax picked up his guitar and turned on the charms for not just Cathy but the other girls. He’s a good-looking guy and had already sweet-talked Cathy, so add in the guitar playing and he had a circle of admirers. Jax’s swagger amused me so I picked up the spare in the corner of the lounge and outplayed him. Instead of being annoyed, Jax switched his attention from Cathy to me, which pissed her off. I informed him I had a boyfriend and Jax told me he didn’t care because I wasn’t his type of girl. With that out of the way, we spent the next two hours straight talking about music.
Jax calls fate they already named themselves Ruby Riot, and in walks a Ruby who completed the band. I laughed, flattered. We arranged for me to meet up at their rehearsal the following Saturday.
That evening, someone opened a window in my life and fresh air rushed in. I gave up music shortly after I moved in with Dan; I didn’t have time to rehearse with the guys from school anymore and they replaced me.
Before Dan, music was my sanctuary but he pushed me away from that side of who I am, slowly, until so many days passed I forgot about playing. I switched off the essential part of myself, to be who Dan told me I should be. After one evening with Jax and the twins, the buried Ruby reappeared, a new reminder that this girl from the past is who I am.
Time ran away and I was late home.
That was the first night Dan moved from verbal abuse to physical.
A week later, when I met the guys, the bruises had faded but the yellow marks on my arms were there. So was Dan. He agreed to come and check out the band and told me if he approved I could go ahead. I’d never performed in front of Dan, or anybody for a lot of years, but I did what I always do—closed my eyes and tuned into the sound around, tuning out everything but the music rippling through my body. I see sound like colour. When I’m playing, I’m on another plane, one where I visualise the interaction of the bars and notes, the procession of colour melding into a rainbow of melodies.
Dan disappeared downstairs to the bar after half an hour, muttering about how shit I was but he was alone in his opinion. The three other people in the room told me I’m talented—Ruby Riot wanted me and the possibility I’m worth something flipped a page on a new book in my life. Now I can fill those pages or tear them out.
“Ruby, what the fuck?” Jax shoves me, dragging me to the here and now. Rehearsals. Time’s short. Need to get home. “You missed the intro again.”
“Sorry,” I mutter.
“Get in the right headspace; Jem is coming today.”
Nate taps the drums in a quiet rhythm while Will matches the bass as they tune out the inevitable flare up about to happen between us.
“Jem?”Shit.He’ll ask about the tour. He’ll want an answer.
“Yeah, the guy putting himself out for us. Remember?”
I scuff my boot along the scratched wooden stage. “Yeah. Forgot.”
“I’m guessing you haven’t told Dan you’re going away?”
I chew a nail and refuse to meet his eyes. “Soon. I have to pick the right moment to ask.”
“For fuck’s sake! Not ask him, bloodytellhim!” Jax rips the strap from around his neck and props the guitar against the speaker, storming across the room. I stride after and catch up to him in the narrow hallway to the stairs.
“Jax!”
“What is with you? Why can’t you get away from him?” he snaps, face lined by anger. “You’re stronger than this! Just leave!”
His words knock my breath. I thought he understood. “I can’t.”
“Bullshit! You don’t want to!”
“You think I enjoy him treating me like he does?”
“I don’t know? Do you? Why else would you stay?”